July 12th, 2025
I made this website six days ago, and I still don't know what to add here. It be like that I guess. I'm thinking this can be used for updates whenever I have any, and whatever those might look like.
August 3rd, 2025
Wow, it's been a minute.
Last Wednesday, I came back in the wee hours of the morning from an amazing music festival held in one of the remotest parts of the United States, the very northwestern corner of Montana. That was my first time in that state (let alone region), my first time recreationally roadtripping for multiple days and hours, my first time camping outdoors and my first time seeing mountains in person. I haven't even been back for a full week, and my friends and I are already plotting to return next year. Although, without camping outdoors. The festival was an absolute blast and I'm glad I went, but camping was an extremely miserable experience that I really don't want to repeat. The people I roadtripped with, whom I met at another music festival on the opposite side of the country, are now my best buddies. I didn't know them very well prior to this. We've spoken dozens of times, but only over chat. But this roadtrip went extremely well, with only a few minor hiccups here and there. An otherwise fantastic experience that couldn't have gone any better.
But less than a week later, I still feel tired. I don't think I've cleared my sleep deficit completely just yet, and I'm lucky I didn't come back with pneumonia or some other sickness. I supposed there's something to be said about where our love for music takes us and what it makes us go through. I know I said I was going to use this website for a music collection catalogue, but for over the past month I've been doing something else this entire time: writing.
I used to write a lot when I was younger and still in grade school, and for the life of me I can't remember why I stopped. I've found so much joy in writing now that I've been given a brand new outlook on life. I have something to look forward to when I turn my laptop on, and for once it isn't social media. Maybe it's because I haven't shared what I've been writing, and I'm still building the website as well as the structure for how I want the webpages for the chapters to look. But fok, this shit is awesome. I wish I had done this sooner! I am somewhat hesitant to start sharing what I've written with the broader public (read: the Internet as a whole), but I figured I would cross that bridge when I get to it. I've been a huge fan of fanfictions for well over a decade, and one of my absolute favorites from the Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom is being re-written as we speak(!!!!!). You can imagine how stoked I was when I got the email about the rewrite from AO3, loooong after I had forgotten about my account. Now I stop whatever I'm doing to read the new chapter once I get the email that it's been posted.
But as if I wasn't busy enough with this particular creative pursuit, some of my close friends have been subtly nudging me in a different direction: learning how to play music. Music has always been a MASSIVE part of my life, and I consider it my first love. My one and only foray into learning an instrument was the flute when I was in elementary school, 20 years ago at this point. I've quite literally forgotten that period of my life; I can't remember what I learned back then and I absolutely do not remember the vast majority of the people I went to school with. So it goes without saying that I don't remember what grade I was in when I attempted to learn the flute (but I want to say 3rd grade), nor do I remember why I even tried to learn this particular instrument in the first place. But I do remember participating in a parade that went around the entire school building, and I was part of the marching band. I was with the other flute players who were playing their instruments flawlessly, while I blew into mine tunelessly. I didn't even know how or where to press my fingers into the flute's openings. One kid in the formation behind me even tried to get me to play something on the spot before the parade started, which of course I didn't do.
So I marched wordlessly with the others, hoping no one would hear or notice that I wasn't really playing this flute to the song (I can still hear in my head) that we were supposed to be playing. VERY much less call attention to my lack of skill. This happened lifetimes ago, I'm confident that at some point in my life, I will forget this completely. I've already forgotten most of my childhood memories from that state. Including who my classmates were, which makes for a jarring experience whenever someone from my hometown sends me a friend request on Facebook and starts messaging me. Even worse when it becomes clear that they know me and remember me from a time that no longer exists in my memories, and I have to make things awkward by telling them that I don't know or remember who they are. But enough with that tangent, all of that to say this will be my first time in two decades learning how to play an instrument, which sounds insane to say out loud, much less type. I've always loved how string instruments sound, and I still remember the pink guitar necklace I got from Claire's that I wore religiously in my adolescence. Looking back, perhaps that had been a foreshadowing.
One of the few things I remember in school was being accused of copying the people around me. I guess this is why I'm hesitant to share whatever it is I'm doing, because I don't want people to accuse me of the same thing and I don't know what my reaction would be if that ended up happening. This might also be why I stopped writing, because I started around the same time someone else did and they threw a bitch fit. (Another thing I remember from my grade school years, being surrounded by god-awful kids and not knowing why everyone was acting like an asshole or a bitch). But I've been listening to music for so long, I'm terrified of ripping off a melody I heard somewhere without even knowing or realizing it. This past weekend I shared this concern with a friend, who told me that everything has basically already been done and everyone else is just copying off each other at this point. Which reminded me of the popular saying that every metal riff in existence is just a Black Sabbath riff played slower (RIP OZZY). I don't feel so worried about this now, but I'm still going to spend the next two weeks looking for guitar and bass guitar kits online in my spare time. I don't want to buy anything just yet, because I'm leaving for Greece on the 16th of this month and won't be back until the 29th.
OK I typed out WAY more than I thought I would, I don't know why I rambled that much. But if you read up to here, thanks a ton! See you next time.
-T.L.S.
August 15th, 2025
Update time.
This coming Sunday is the start of a nearly two week-long vacation in Greece. I leave tomorrow morning and I'll get there Sunday afternoon. It'll be my second time in Greece, but the first time I'll be spending more than 10 days there. I'm excited to be back, excited to eat healthier food and spend a few days on the beach (which I didn't get to do last year), along with more sight-seeing than I was able to do last year. But I'm starting to get nervous. And I'm realizing this nervousness is normal. I felt this way before I went to Montana last month, and I'm pretty sure I felt this way before I went to Baltimore earlier this year and last year as well. I still feel this way before I drive to a concert in the city, even if it's a venue I've been to dozens of times. Apparently it has a name too, "pre-travel anxiety". I'll have moments the day before I leave where I think to myself, "maybe I should cancel the trip", or "I don't think I want to go anymore." I vividly remember thinking this last month just before I left for Montana. But I ended up having a blast there, and I'm so ready to go back. I'm sure this trip, albeit much longer, will be no different. Aside from that, I learned yesterday (technically Wednesday, but the email was sitting in my spam folder until I saw it a day after it was sent) that I'm gonna be getting a pretty nice work bonus within the next month. The company I work for applied to be a part of this bonus initiative led by the Department of Human Services, but this was back in December of last year, and they said they'd keep us in the know along with us not needing to apply for anything ourselves. I think we all forgot about it haha. It's a one-time payment, but it'll be a lot (most of what my paycheck usually looks like). Which means those guitar and bass guitar kits I was looking at a few weeks ago will be in my hands sooner than I realize. I have one kit of each sitting in my wishlist on Shein, along with some pedals, and so far everything is still available. Plus they have really good prices and reviews for starting equipment. I probably could have ordered them after I got back from Montana, but I want time to spend opening and using them before leaving again. All things considered, I'm very excited to see what comes from this!
But wow, the past two weeks really flew by. I still remember when I typed out that post on August 3rd, four days after I came back from Montana. I'm still reliving moments from that trip, and my friends and I are still serious about going back next year. But when I went to Greece last year, things were a bit of a mess. I didn't sleep at all on the flight over the ocean on the way there, and my partner (whom I was there to see and visit for the first time) lived in an apartment building built in the 1940s with no air conditioning. Climbing four flights of stairs with a heavy suitcase and carry-on backpack, just to get to an apartment that was warmer inside than it was outside on no sleep at all, did a severe number on me. My mind was beyond fried. I started crying and didn't stop for several hours, until it was time for bed. (My partner, a loving puppy dog of a man, was also all over me as soon as we saw each other. And as someone who had been celibate their entire life, and completely unaccustomed to sustained affectionate physical contact, that added to the overwhelm I was feeling. Worse was when we tried to be intimate, as sex has always been painful for me. Not to mention I'm deathly afraid of getting pregnant despite having been on birth control for over 6 years now). My partner lived on the 4th floor, which was the very top, and although there was an elevator, only one person had access to it and whoever it was didn't share that access with the other tenants. I still remember lugging my suitcase down four flights of stairs by myself when it was time to go, and my arm was sore for the remainder of that week after I came back to the U.S. My partner was at work when it was time for me to leave, and his roommate at the time, a mutual friend I had been Facebook friends with for a decade at that point, had come home from work just before I left and almost immediately went to bed. I was still getting ready when they got back, and when I told them I was going to be leaving soon, they apologized and said they would be sleeping during that time. They didn't offer to help me with my luggage (which was only one suitcase), nor did they see me off. I don't remember them saying anything else after that before going to their room. They didn't even say goodbye. That was the last time I saw them, and honestly, I still don't know how I feel about this.
All in all, there were certain aspects of my first trip last year that were deeply miserable, all of which were related to the brutal summer heat. A couple of days after I got there, my partner was telling one of his best friends who was visiting from the UK that his apartment got so hot in the summer that when he leaves the building and goes outside, he genuinely feels cold. He even told me that one year it was so hot, they had mosquitoes up until November. Since I'm someone who learns from mistakes and lack of knowledge, this time I booked an Airbnb for us two months in advance. A nice studio apartment in a good part of the city with AIR CONDITIONING!!!! Among other amenities that are clutch for a long stay, like a washing machine and a dryer in unit! Even my partner was surprised that the place we booked still had availability. He'd been working a contract position since February of this year, and his last day was a few days ago. Which means this will be a vacation for him as well. He video called me last week to show me the listings he had found for a bunch of beach house apartments in Halkidiki, and he wanted me to pick the one I liked the most. And after I did, he booked it for us for around three days next week. I remember we were so bummed about not being able to go to the beach last year, so this is sure to be a relaxing and rewarding experience for us both. He told me the other day that with the time we'll have, we can literally do anything we want. I for one am looking forward to chilling indoors for a few days, watching movies and YouTube videos, ordering or cooking food and just relaxing in general. With how hard we work, we both deserve it.
Lately, I've been reflecting on the last things I do before a long trip - my last shower in my bathroom, my last night sleeping in my bedroom in almost total silence, the last meal I'll have at the kitchen counter. It gets me emotional sometimes and it almost feels morbid, but I think it makes me appreciate what I have a lot more. In the meantime, I have everything packed. All the clothing I want to wear, the shoes, the gifts, the toiletries and beach necessities. It doesn't feel like I've packed enough, especially clothing. But having a washing machine and dryer in our Airbnb means I won't need to worry about running out of clean clothes to wear. My partner has a Brita filtered water pitcher in his apartment, and yesterday I asked if we should bring it with us since I didn't think our Airbnb had one. He said we'd take inventory once we get to the Airbnb on Sunday and he will get whatever we need himself, while I stay in the apartment and rest if I need to. Works for me! Now all that's left for me to do is free my room of clutter and garbage to the best of my ability, get my airport outfit and carry-on bags ready for tomorrow, and hope for the best. My nervousness grows the closer it gets to tomorrow, but I keep telling myself that just as the time passed quickly after I came back from Montana, so too will the time pass before it's time for me to come back to the U.S. As much as I deeply resent this country, everything it's done and everything it stands for, it's the only home I have and I'll miss parts of it while I'm gone. Although right now, the only thing I can tell I'll miss outside of my family and friends will be writing (which is still going well!). Besides, spending two weeks with my lovely partner will be memories I cherish for as long as I live. I just hope I'm not a crying mess at the airport again when it's time for me to leave, like I was last year.
Posting updates here is really nice and honestly refreshing, I'll be sure to post another once I've returned! Catch you later.
-T.L.S.
August 29th, 2025
I came back last night just before midnight, from the longest vacation I've ever taken. My partner and I spent a few days in a beach village called Afitos, in what is considered the third peninsula of Greece, Halkidiki. The weather was perfect, the beach was gorgeous, the water was so crystal clear and the food was outstanding. The bra and shirt I wore this afternoon were unusually snug, so I know I gained at least some weight. I had the time of my life there, and as I foreshadowed in my last update, these are memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. (Also as I foreshadowed, I was once again a crying mess at the airport)
But the vacation had its downsides, one of which left me newly single. My partner and I decided to split, for a couple of reasons. This may be TMI, but he's a very sexual person and I, for lack of better phrasing, feel sexually dead most of the time. I think this is mostly chalked up to my birth control killing my sex drive most of the year, but another part of it happened 15 years ago, when I was 14. I briefly dated someone my freshman year of high school, who wanted to finger me so that I could know what sex was like. I didn't know what foreplay was back then, and he didn't either. It turned out to be a painfully traumatic experience that I'm 100% sure ruined penetration for me forever. I can still remember going back home extremely sore down there, and the stinging sensation every time I peed. My partner and I tried having sex when I first visited last year and it never happened, because I tensed up and started crying whenever I was touched down there. We tried again this year with lube and a lidocaine gel I bought beforehand, and it still didn't happen. But this time, he was really frustrated.
He wanted to cum in my mouth at our Airbnb, a few days before we went to Afitos. And I made the mistake of being too blunt and telling him it would be gross for me. I made the additional mistake of suggesting that he relieve himself in the bathroom. After some back and forth, he eventually agreed. But he stormed off and took his phone with him. He came back a few minutes later, looked at me, didn't say anything, and scrolled on his phone with his back facing me before falling asleep. He wasn't completely cold to me for the rest of the day, but he limited his physical interactions with me. He wouldn't hug me or kiss me whereas he was all over me as soon as I got there. A couple of the days I was there he left to help friends with things and to get his beach supplies from his apartment, leaving me alone in the Airbnb. And it was honestly nice having the apartment to myself for a while. It gave me time to think about things I will admit to later here. It also gave me time to reflect, and I've realized certain aspects of this trip will stay with me for as long as I live. But it all came to a breaking point when we got to Afitos.
I remember the bus ride there, he had been somewhat distant like he had been before we left. I remember asking him what he wanted to do when we got to the beach apartment we rented, and he bluntly said "ehh mainly sex" without hesitation. I tried to brace myself for what was going to happen later, but I wasn't prepared for his reaction. He lubed me up and tried to finger me but I was way too tense and squirmy, I was panicking every time he touched me there. He said "it's literally my little finger" and I replied "it doesn't feel good", and he immediately withdrew his finger. I heard him take two deep, heavy breaths and I knew he was upset. I squeezed my eyes shut as more tears came out, knowing that if I opened them to look at him, the look that was on his face was going to haunt me forever. I managed a very small, broken "I'm sorry", and I heard him storm off to the bathroom and furiously wash his hands. He came back and said "whatever, I give up", put his shorts back on and flopped on the bed next to me, grabbing his phone in the process. My partner was never abusive to me in any capacity, and I knew he would never hurt me. But I didn't even want to move when this happened. I kept thinking "this is all my fault" over and over again, and wanting to disappear into the ceiling above me. Even now, a part of me feels that I helped ruin things between us.
Lying naked and exposed while your partner is upset with you is a profoundly uncomfortable experience that I never want to repeat or revisit again. After a while he got up to look at me and said "wear something" with no emotion in his voice. So I made the awkward walk to the bathroom where I left my clean clothes. I'm pretty sure I dissociated in the process, since I barely remember walking across the bed to where the bathroom was. My getting dressed started a hard conversation, where, among other things, he admitted that when I told him to go to the bathroom to relieve himself a few days ago, he was able to finish by thinking about his ex. And he said "it made me think, 'damn, I miss my ex'". His ex broke up with him very abruptly last year, and he still hasn't recovered from it. He also said I made him feel humiliated when I said it was going to be gross when he came in my mouth. I spent a considerable amount of time thinking I was an abject sexual failure. It didn't help that my partner was insistent that the amount of sexual trauma I have can only be found in people who had been sexually assaulted at a young age, which I never was. Neither was his insistence that women in general have no problem touching themselves to masturbate even at a young age, something I also have not done.
Despite the difficulty of the conversation, it turned out really well in the end. So well that I was able to confess something to him that I've been in denial of for many, many, many years - my sexual attraction to men is weaker than my sexual attraction to women. I'm almost immediately sexually attracted to women as opposed to men, despite my never having been in a romantic relationship with a woman. I'm terrified of the ramifications of what this means for me in the long run in terms of my sexuality, something I've struggled with all my life. I do have some attraction to men, but I think the trauma I experienced when I was 14 prevents my body from fully reacting to said attraction. At least with women, there doesn't have to be penetration. But belonging to an immigrant family with members who are opposed to anything LGBTQ+, and living in a country that is becoming increasingly anti-LGBTQ+ means I will never be in a safe place to explore this side of myself. But my partner, wonderful that he is, understood this completely. And we made the decision there and then that we were going to enjoy the time we have left and end our relationship once I leave. I agreed, though I was heartbroken to do so.
I realize I wasn't the only one who made mistakes. On my last night in Greece, he apologized for how he acted in Afitos. He had this projection in his mind that when I came, "we were going to have the best sex of our lives" and it not happening really disappointed him. He hadn't been sexually active with anyone else since my visit last year, and I distinctly remember him telling me he was "thirsty" when he mentioned this to me the morning I left. But I ended up unintentionally making him feel humiliated, and he made me feel like a freak of nature. When I tried to apologize for how I reacted, he told me I had nothing to be sorry for. Part of me still feels like a failure, but another part of me recognizes the boon for what it is. With some men having sex as a dealbreaker in relationships, this significantly increases the likelihood that I will remain single for as long as I live. I wasn't planning on telling him, but I eventually did when he prompted me to say whatever was on my mind. I don't want to date anyone else again. I've heard enough horror stories from my friends about the dating scene to never set foot there ever.
I was a mess that night, and I was sad when I left the morning of the 28th, but a day after coming back I feel much better. I was sure he hated me on some level for sexually frustrating him, but now I'm convinced that's not the case. I know he loves me on some level still, but he doesn't have major romantic feelings for me like he did for his ex. But it doesn't feel like we've broken up because we're still so close. I didn't tell him this, but I snooped in one of the notebooks he brought with him to our Airbnb and found an entry he wrote with a handful of names. Some were crossed out, like the name of his ex, but others were written in English, like mine. The entry read "the people who had the biggest impact on my life". I didn't think I had that much of an impact at all, but when I pressed him, he told me I was there for him when his ex of five years broke up with him. I still remember how he cried and how devastated he was, and I didn't want to make him hurt like that again.
We couldn't stop talking about how nice our vacation was, how much fun we had, how relaxing it was, and how we both want to do it again next year if things work out. No prior commitments, no work, lots of free time to explore and do things around the city. I think he still loves me enough to want to see me as often as he can, and he even wants me to bring my mom at some point. I'm not opposed to going back either. I didn't feel unsafe or afraid while I was in the city, I saw so many black and brown faces that it made me feel welcome even, and everyone we encountered was nice and friendly. All things considered, I'm glad everything worked out the way it did. I do miss my ex partner, and I would love to see him again. But I'm going to hold out until things work out. I also still feel like a failure, and I feel like I ruined things between us. But I'm hoping it's a feeling that comes and goes.
Okay, all done yapping for now. I'll catch y'all in another update.
-T.L.S.
September 1st, 2025
This is getting harder.
I spent all of today feeling like a massive failure and that I ruined things between my ex and I.
It started last night, when I saw a reel on Facebook. It was one of those POV videos that has a hyper-specific scenario that a niche group of people have experienced. This one happened to be someone neurodivergent/on the autism spectrum accidentally offending people with their bluntness. And I immediately thought of what happened when my ex wanted to cum in my mouth. I remembered when I told him it would be gross. And I remembered his reaction when he finally agreed to finish in the bathroom. I sent him that reel, with the message "I did this to you :(" afterwards. There's an 8 hour time difference between the US and Greece, so he saw the message this morning. And he heart-reacted both the reel and the message I sent.
It's times like these that I realize what a colossal mistake social media was. Making those of us with severe social anxiety overanalyze signals and images and fucking colors of all things, it's insanity. Not to mention the unfiltered access to shitty people on a near-daily basis. I don't blame those I knew who left years ago and never returned. I also don't blame those who are leaving now, announcing that they're getting rid of all their socials and never coming back. I really shouldn't have spent so much of my life on it, it rewired my mind in the worst way possible. But making friends in person was astronomically difficult for me growing up. I wouldn't have met many of the amazing friends I have today without it. I wouldn't have met the ex I'm talking about now without it.
He didn't respond with anything else, other than a couple of funny videos a few hours later. But that one interaction ruined my day. He agreed with what I said and with the video. The damage had been done, on both sides. And I felt terrible. I started re-living the moments I'll never forget from my time in Greece. The bad ones, at least. The part where he told me he finished in the bathroom by thinking of his ex. And how it made him realize how much he missed his ex. And I felt like a moron. What was wrong with me? Why did I do that? I haven't shared with my ex how this has affected me yet, but I probably will at some point. And then he'll ask me why I didn't tell him sooner. He was always encouraging me to speak my mind and share how I feel verbally whenever we video called, instead of sending him walls of text hours later while he was asleep. He wasn't complaining, but I think he thought speaking would be easier for me. Since I trust him and can be open with him about anything. But it wasn't. It still isn't.
We haven't video called since before I flew there. We met one of his friends and his new boyfriend for dinner one night, at a taverna called The Red Bicycle. And my ex was telling them, as he pointed to me, that I single-handedly saved his career by video calling him every morning as his wake up call to get ready for work. I wonder if we'll ever do that again, especially now that he'll be starting a new job soon. I have a sinking suspicion that it won't happen. What would we even talk about? He only video called me to see me and hear my voice, but there's no telling how he feels about that now. Especially since he doesn't video call any of his other friends as much as he video called me.
I've begun telling close friends about the breakup, which is making this even harder. Having to relive the things that were said, the uncomfortable experiences, is very triggering. But they've been offering insightful advice and opinions, and it's been helping me feel better. I'm hoping this feeling is temporary and I don't spend the rest of the week feeling this way. One of the friends I told is opening for a band this Friday that went on hiatus following one of their members' diagnosis with cancer. This will be their first show in five years, and this comeback was made possible by said member beating cancer.
Navigating the end of the best and longest relationship I've ever been in (3 years) is proving to have its ups and downs. That's to be expected, I guess. I just need to keep up appearances with my mother. She doesn't know our relationship is over, and I don't want her to know. We had been dating long enough that she kept asking when he was coming to the US to visit them, and even joking about marriage. My ex and his ex didn't talk about marriage themselves, so I don't think he was interested in that. But my mother is naive to the mass deportations, detainments, and arrests of foreign nationals in this shithole country. Even people visiting with valid visas are getting disappeared by ICE. My ex didn't want to visit on that principle (among other things, like not being able to afford a ticket and pride refusing him to accept one bought for him), and I didn't want him to either. I won't risk his life or well-being over it. There are much better places to go. Yet another reminder of why I don't share things with her. They make for awkward and uncomfortable conversations later, and more often than not I feel stupid when I talk to her.
(P.S. Writing has been very slow lately, I've been stalling big time. I'll try and pick up the pace this week.)
-T.L.S.
September 13th, 2025
Good Lord, what a year it's been.
Only, it hasn't been a year. It's been a few days at best.
A conservative political commentator in the US was assassinated quite literally in broad daylight three days ago, and the vibes in the country have been INSANE ever since. My friends and many others are calling this the "American years of lead", referencing the time period in Italy where political assassinations and terrorism were widespread throughout the countryside. Now because I long since purged my socials of people who knew me from grade school, and people naturally saw themselves out when I started posting things they didn't like, I fared better than my other friends. Over the past few days, I've seen them tally and point out precisely how many people unfriended them over their reactions to the assassination. The discourse surrounding the public murder have made me remember what I mentioned a couple of updates ago, how social media gives us unfiltered access to shitty people. And there's no way to prevent it without exposing ourselves to that shittiness in the first place. I feel for my friends who lost people they were close with over this, the death of someone who didn't know them and wouldn't have cared if they had died to the gun violence he justified. One such friend lives in rural Wisconsin, and because she mocked Kirk's death, she no longer has contact with either of her parents.
I used to feel scared living in this country, where the violence we imported overseas became normalized through microtransactions of it. Mass homelessness, police brutality, lack of healthcare, mass shootings in all public places imaginable. Now I feel a rift in my consciousness, a void telling me that this violence is not only going to get worse, it'll be part of our daily lives. That we need to get used to it as the price we pay for ignoring the imperialism done in our name abroad. For material conditions deteriorating to the point where this type of violence is happening in the first place. And I couldn't help but imagine how much worse this is going to be if this happens to someone else more powerful than Kirk. I had an outing with friends that I felt was far too short. But when I got there, we talked about the assassination and the discourse that happened in the aftermath. It was a good conversation, it lifted the heaviness I had been feeling over the past couple days. But as a general update, I had a therapy session the day before the murder and it went great! I've been feeling much better since I came back from Europe last month, and I've begun looking into sex therapists in my area. I'm not sure what will come of it, but it wouldn't hurt to try.
In other news, I bought a guitar kit and a bass guitar kit on Shein. Both were extremely cheap for starter equipment, under $100 for each kit. My guitar is white, bass guitar is a micro-bass with a wood finish. It's absolutely gorgeous. I still remember the first bass guitar I looked at, an Ibanez GSRM20b mikro-bass with a dark walnut finish that I found on eBay. It was the most beautiful instrument I had ever seen. And it was the first micro-bass I had ever seen! The smaller scale appealed to me, being short and skinny myself. I felt that a regular-scale bass would look and feel like I was holding a sniper rifle. But it was under $200 for a brand name, which was insane to me. I never got it, instead finding out that Shein had dozens of guitars and bass guitars for sale at a fraction of the price, among many other instruments. Each kit came with allen wrenches for removing the bridges to change the strings, extremely flimsy picks, and equally flimsy cases for both. The guitar kit came with an amp, which I have since learned can only be used for the guitar and not the bass due to differing frequency levels. Writing is going slow, and I've barely looked at my guitar and bass guitar since I got them a couple weeks ago. I'm starting to feel slightly overwhelmed, like I've begun too many side projects and hobbies at the same time and I'm being pulled in too many directions. I think it would be better for me to focus on one thing for a while, and then take a break from it by starting another. I don't have an amp for my bass, and my ex told me not to use the guitar amp for the bass as it won't be able to handle the input (or something to that effect).
Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to a concert out of town. I bought the ticket back in March, and nearly forgot about the show altogether until I found it while cleaning my room. Then on Monday I'm getting my covid-19 and flu shots on the same day, and I'm not looking forward to my arm being dead weight after a few hours. But it's a small price to pay for being protected by covid, which would be much more painful than the temporary arm pain.
It's getting late, and I may add to this later, but for now take care and see you in the next update!
-T.L.S.
October 12th, 2025
It's been a month since my last update, and everything has been going good so far. I'm enjoying life as much as I can for someone living in the Imperial core, a dying empire and not in a country experiencing an active genocide or war.
But I had an outing with friends yesterday, and for the first time, I lied to them in person.
My friends are awesome, don't get me wrong. I was invited to this horror book author event at a brewery in a city outside the capital, and when I got there I saw that another friend of ours was also there. After we walked around at the event, we got a table at the brewery and had a drink. One of my friends brought three decks of Magic The Gathering cards, and him trying to teach us how to play with one of the decks when we already had drinks in us was a fun experience. The friend who invited us to the brewery saw another event that she wanted to check out in the northern part of the capital, and we decided to go since we had time before the event ended. But after we played a round of Magic we were getting hungry, so we went to a fast-food place across the street to sit down and have a bite to eat. When we all got our food and we started eating, my friend looked to me and asked how my partner and I were doing. I hadn't told her we broke up, and I didn't want to make things awkward, so I told her we were still doing fine. I tried to deflect and ask about her and her partner, but I don't remember what she said. I just remember what happened next - she asked if we had "done it".
I knew what she was referring to, but I thought I would be playful and ask her what she was talking about. She specified "sex", and that was when I lied and told her that we had. She cheered for me and our other friend sarcastically congratulated me. She asked me if it was fun and I said yes, and thankfully the conversation went to her and her partner afterwards. But I felt weird. Lying isn't something I do to my friends, but I felt put on the spot and didn't want to make things awkward. I just hope nothing comes out of it, and I'm thinking too much about something they probably no longer remember at this point. For what it's worth, the rest of the night was great. We ate, went to the event (which had all but ended by the time we got there), had some more drinks, chilled for an hour and we all left for home. I spent today washing the clothes I wore last night, because the last event we went to had fire pits outside that we sat in front of. We all reeked of bonfire smoke by the time we were leaving. The event had free caramel apples and s'mores, but by the time we got there at 8 PM the s'mores were gone and the ingredients for caramel apples were gone too. All that was left was a crate full of small apples. My friends took one each and ate them, and I stuffed a bunch in my bag since they were free, something they laughed at.
Things between my ex partner and I have been amazing, sometimes it feels like we're still together even though I know we're not. But it's really nice knowing he still cares about me to keep in touch with me and ask how I'm doing among other life updates.
There haven't been many other developments. Other than I'm now strongly considering visiting Ireland sometime next year, and I've recently begun reconnecting with someone I've known on Facebook since 2012. The same day that I had my outing with friends in the previous update, I posted an IG story wearing a specific band shirt. It was an album that came out in 1995, a limited edition design of a shirt I bought at the extreme metal festival I've started going to every year. My friend responded and said he hadn't heard that album in so long, and how he used to listen to it a lot back in 2014. I told him I heard it live back in May during the festival and wept, and he was shocked. Not just because they played it live, but according to him, "you were in Baltimore and I missed that ??" He's been living in Baltimore for the past year and I had no idea. The messages we've been exchanging have been friendly but it feels like there's a flirty undercurrent to them. He told me earlier today that there was no way we haven't hung out in person despite the crazy messaging we did back in 2016 and earlier. I vaguely knew what he was talking about but decided to refresh my memory by looking through my old messages with him on Facebook and uhhh.... this dude was really into me LMAO. I remembered some of the messages, but not all of them. We were also cooking each other with roasts, I have no idea where that came from. I spent about 20 minutes in my room cackling to myself like a madwoman. I don't know where this will go but I guess I'll find out next May!
As for Ireland, I've always wanted to visit. But I've seen lots of videos from people of all walks of life, including African Americans, saying it was the friendliest place they had ever visited. And considering they've been staunchly pro-Palestine from the very beginning, it feels like a place I would feel safe visiting while wearing one of my kuffiyehs. I've since watched travel vlogs of Ireland of every city from Dublin to Cork to Galway and Killarney. I'm avoiding northern Ireland as its British controlled, and being a brown person anywhere affiliated with Britain isn't a good idea right now. Vehement anti-immigration sentiments have been sweeping through the country since I was visiting my ex in Greece back in August. Thankfully, it hasn't reached Ireland and considering who they just elected as president, it will likely never take root.
Anyway, fall is here. I've always slept better in colder weather. And I'm turning 30 in less than three months now. But time means literally nothing when you stopped aging after 2014 LMAO. Catch you later.
-T.L.S.
December 1st, 2025
Wow, I checked here a few days ago and saw that I haven't updated in two weeks. I was opening this webpage up every day and night a few months ago!! Insanity. Anyway. An update is long overdue.
Life's been pretty chill so far. I had a dissociative episode that kinda wrecked me a few weeks ago, but it coincided with a therapist session and now it feels like it never happened. I barely remember it to be honest. But I went through some old paperwork I found while cleaning, including college assignments and even high school notes written by my high school ex. The memories made me spiral into an almost fugue state, it was awful. Writing has all but halted and so has guitar/bass playing. I'm a slow learner, and I feel discouraged knowing I can't play as well as my friends. I think I'm one of those people who learns better with someone in front of them. So far I've managed to tune my guitar to (what I believe to be) C-standard, but as far as learning tabs and how to play in general, that's barely been happening at all. But I did buy a bluetooth amp for both bass and guitar. It has a speaker built-in with a headphone jack, so I can play without making a lot of noise. 5 hours of play on a full charge, which seems really cool. It's described as being great for practice, nothing about recording anything. Likely means if I want to record music, I'll need to invest in more equipment. We'll see. My friends are eager to hear something I come up with, but I don't feel pressured, which is nice and understandable. We're all living in late-stage capitalism, a dying and crumbling empire no less. I've come up with a name for my project, first demo/album/EP whatever and I've been building a track list for it over the past few days. Lyrics will be another story, I'm thinking of doing some improv once I'm decent enough on guitars and bass and hearing what that sounds like. Sometimes I feel like a madwoman, I'll get a random melody in my head that I haven't heard before. I even used to have dreams where I was playing a unique tune/melody on guitar, which I unfortunately never remembered once I woke up. Since it still happens, I now race for my HD audio recording app on my phone and hum the melody to hopefully learn to play later. I might be getting too ahead of myself and a little too ambitious, but I think planning ahead is part of the process. My friends are very supportive and some of my local friends even want to record and play music together. It's good to know I'm not alone!
I'm also still talking to my friend from my previous update. My memory is so shot that I forgot we actually met in person last year, October 2024. He's a musician, in multiple bands and projects. One of them performed in my city last October, and I wouldn't have known had one of my buddies not mentioned it in passing a month prior. I remember meeting him in person for the first time, he was grinning from ear to ear when I walked up to his merch table. He looked happy that I was there, but didn't seem too excited. I tried to play myself cool as a result, but internally I was thrilled. I first met him on Facebook back in 2012 when he had just started a band, now he he was performing across the country. He's one of the longest internet friendships I have. We were extremely thirsty for each other back in 2017, and I wasn't sure how he would react to seeing me in person, even though I told him in advance that I was going to be there (to which he seemed happy but not super excited). I very briefly spoke to him when I got there, he waved at me the moment he saw me. I didn't stay as long as I wanted after the show was done. I distinctly remember wanting to hug him as he was on stage, but settling for a STRONG handshake when I realized there was a line of people behind me waiting to talk to him. We didn't speak much after that, but I would see his posts on Instagram every so often. Most of his posts and stories are nature-themed, scenic shots from where he lived at the time. Every so often there would be a selfie or two. I thought he was cute even back then, but he's only gotten more attractive as we've gotten older. And as it turns out, there's been a lingering attraction between the both of us that laid dormant for the better part of 8 years.
I haven't had a crush on someone in... I don't even know how long. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about anyone, maybe grade school when I felt that I liked someone only for them to reject me for not being attractive enough. I was called ugly too many times growing up, and I internalized that. I'm almost 30 and still skeptical whenever someone in public finds me attractive now. I'm even excited whenever he messages me, to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone else but him. Too bad he doesn't check his DMs as often. Considering his popularity, I imagine they're constantly a warzone. I'm trying to act natural and be cool, but it's genuinely hard to think sometimes. I've also been reflecting on why my feelings for him are this intense and they weren't for my ex. My friend Alex tells me that different people have different chemistry, and this is probably true. My ex and I met 3 years ago and began dating almost immediately (I don't even know when our anniversary was, because he decided at some point he was dating me). But as much as I hate to admit it, our age gap lingered in the back of my mind sometimes. I was four years older than him. He was born in 2000!!! It didn't bother him, so I never let it get to me. And lately I've been thinking that maybe my ex and I were too neurodivergent for each other. He had full-blown autism, stimmed and everything. He never had an episode that I saw, but he's told me about previous episodes. There were times he would say something too bluntly to me and I acted like I wasn't affected by it. Like the time I repeated a phrase that was common in his culture and language, and he told me I said it "in a weird way". Or when he accused me of "not wanting to meet new people" when I told him I wanted to stay in our Airbnb one night instead of going out with him and his old coworkers, people whom in retrospect I likely would have never seen again. And I still haven't forgotten how he said it felt like he was with his 7-year-old cousin that he was trying to rape. Even though my ex apologized for how he acted that day, that brings me to something else I've been reflecting on.
It was a Herculean effort for my ex to turn me on. Nothing he did made me feel good. Even the times we tried doing things over video chat that included touching myself. And that translated into real life. I even found it difficult to flirt with him, in person and online. I don't know how else to describe it other than it just... didn't feel right for me. He was good looking, and I was physically attracted to him. But I had no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. On the other hand, my friend turns me on. A LOT. We started explicitly flirting a few weeks before my period started, so I was on the verge of ovulating and feeling feral. It's been three weeks since my period, and I am STILL getting turned on by him. I'm finding myself daydreaming about his body, his voice, about us having sex and it really gets me going. I've woken up wet and throbbing more times than I can count. I've even started stroking myself!!!!! Experimentally, but it feels so good. Flirting with him is so natural too. And I have to imagine that this is because of our history. It's not so different compared to what we did in 2017 (although a LOT more explicit), but we also talked normally in the beginning and after. We built a friendship that remains to this day. Next year will be 14 years that I've known him, which is insane. Knowing he's just as into me as I am into him is no doubt influencing how I feel. Alex jokingly referred to it as "DLC bonus lust activated". On some level, it feels like we're getting to know each other all over again. We didn't always keep in touch after 2017 - I graduated high school in 2014 and started college immediately afterwards; and in 2017 I was in the thick of my undergrad. I'm learning now that at the same time, he was in the thick of recording music. LOTS of music. And although he hasn't shared a lot about himself and what he's been up to recently, I have the very distinct impression that he's gone through a lot over the past several years. I know the feeling, all too well. He grew up in the US, lived south of the border for 2 years, lived abroad in Europe for about a year, then came back to the US last year. He's made some near-drastic changes to his appearance since I've known him, several times. He's alluded to people who follow him on social media instinctually knowing whenever something is going on with him, due to his popularity. And I could have sworn he was seeing someone when we met in 2024, but nothing he's said or posted recently indicates he's seeing anyone now. And with how many music projects he has that are concurrently active, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have time for dating or a love life. It isn't something we talked about though, at least not yet. Who knows if that conversation will ever come up either. He's so insanely busy with music and everything music-related, that I probably hear from him every few weeks if I'm lucky, and that's mostly on the weekends.
I could go on all day about his music too. The entire language he came up with for one of his more popular projects, the collection count of some of these albums on Bandcamp is in the thousands. Such detailed, complex, layered music he must have spent years cultivating to perfection. But I feel that I've yapped enough about him lol. Suffice to say, I hold him in very high regard. And not just because he's been my friend for nearly 14 years. He's ridiculously creative, driven, passionate, ambitious, the list goes on. He's funny, sensual and seemingly tireless too! He's such an inspiration. I can't wait to see him next year. I at least hope to see him next year, with how busy he is with his music. I feel like I'm going insane sometimes, I picture us hanging out at parties with all of our friends and being all lovey-dovey with each other. Me sitting in his lap, him stroking my legs and hips, treating me like a drum kit with how much he loves drumming. I don't even feel guilty for not feeling this level of excitement for my ex. Is it wrong? Even if he didn't love me that much to begin with? I may have spoiled the relationship for myself when I found out he didn't have romantic feelings for me last year, but that's a story for another time.
All of this has inspired me to kick myself into high gear and make something for myself! As far as writing goes, I'm taking a break for now. I don't know when I'll resume, but I made a page for the next chapter and I have it more or less mapped out in my head. I just don't feel like transcribing it to text at the moment haha. Until next time.
-T.L.S.
January 7th, 2026
We are a whole week into the new year, and I was feeling so fucking broken.
Today started out like any other, I woke up early to get some things done and went back to sleep. I woke up again a few hours later to the news that an ICE agent had murdered a woman in Minneapolis this morning, shooting her in the face multiple times as she tried getting away from them. A cold-blooded execution in broad daylight. As if the city hadn't been through enough with the murder of George Floyd and its track history of other unarmed murders by police, the ICE agents already in the city agitating things by harassing and arresting our neighbors. As if things weren't bad enough here and abroad.
The federal government was so quick to put out a statement. They knew there were eye-witnesses. They knew people were recording them. They knew how bad it looked, and they've been doing everything they can to spread the lies faster than social media can spread the evidence. Even slandering the victim and her wife. Virtually no one is buying it. State leadership openly called out the lies on national television, even as the federal government attempted to paint a picture of the victim that didn't exist, even before they removed her body from her car.
I was hurting so badly from this. I'd lost count of all the deep breaths I took today, how many times I came close to bursting into tears, screaming and crying. It took everything in me to power through the chores I still had to do before I leave tomorrow morning. I was in a fugue state for much of the day, caught between feverishly checking and doomscrolling every app I use for the latest updates, and picking away at the tasks I still needed to complete. Deep clean my room. Deep clean my bathroom. Pack remaining essentials. Download necessary apps.
The vigil for the victim drew thousands of people to the city. Many of my friends went. It was a flashback of the vigil and memorial for George Floyd, nearly 6 years ago now. It's been estimated that over 10,000 people showed up. There were so many people, the community accounts I follow couldn't livestream or even upload anything in the moment because the cellular data network was reaching critical constraints. It comforts me knowing that so many people showed up and out, even in other states. The solidarity was seen and felt.
I felt the weight of the murder's ramifications settle on me like a blanket, heavy on my shoulders. The sense of nothing getting better. Things getting worse, more people getting hurt or killed. I looked back at a previous update I made in September, after Kirk was assassinated. How I had a foreboding feeling that things would get worse afterwards. It felt ominous, reading my words from 3 months ago, not knowing what was to come. But then I listened to some of my favorite music, and I spent an hour in a Discord call with close friends, and I felt immensely better afterwards. It felt so good knowing I wasn't alone in what I was feeling. I got the rest of my things done, and I'm all set for tomorrow. Which, speaking of...
I'm flying to Richmond, VA tomorrow for a music festival. It will coincide with a milestone birthday, as I turn 30 this coming Saturday while the festival is happening. My friends really want to celebrate with me, both of them are going and at first tickets were sold out. Then 50 more were released for the individual days, and I snagged the ones I wanted for Friday and Saturday. I almost didn't. I thought it was too last minute of a plan to work out. But then I realized I would be spending yet another birthday at home with no one surrounding me but family, a milestone birthday no less. And I didn't want to live that reality anymore. Once I locked in, my friend rearranged everything to fit me into her plans, and managed to snag a new Airbnb that was cheaper than the one she got that had room for us both.
She even gave me birthday gifts last Friday. A book, an intricate turtle made out of what looks like brass or maybe pyrite, and a triangular chainmail necklace she later revealed that she made herself. And something else that had yet to be delivered to her house. I was floored. I hadn't received birthday gifts from friends in... close to a decade now. College was the last time. And I cut ties with the people from those memories. I haven't seen or heard from them in years. I hope it stays that way. My heart still feels heavy, and I feel a little anxious about this weekend, but I'm hoping it's full of healing and love and laughter and friendship.
As far as other updates go, nothing drastic or new has happened. I got a new phone, with the best camera quality I've seen in years. It debuted in 2024 but it was brand new when I bought it, it's so sleek and sharp. I took an insane number of selfies with it the other day that I hope to debut on my birthday. Also hoping to send the rest to crush at some point. That's also still a thing, although I feel the intensity of it has been dimming somewhat. I probably won't hear from him until maybe later next week, or later in the month. He's currently touring the West coast, he left almost a week ago now. He's touring on both of his music projects, and it's insane how he has the energy to perform double duty every night, especially since he's been on tour almost every day since last week.
He apparently only checks his messages once a month. I miss the days when we were talking every day or every few days. I hope to return to that, but with how busy and popular he's becoming, that likely won't be happening again, at least not anytime soon. He has a live lineup with him that performs the songs for both of his bands, people he met in Baltimore. I see him tagged in their pictures and IG stories every so often, I see them include him in activities. I intend to ask him this myself when I see him in person next month, but I hope they're good to him. I hope they keep him safe, they care about him, they have his best interests at heart. I hope the people he's surrounded by people who are good to him, people who genuinely want him around and aren't taking advantage of him.
We were both lonely kids on the internet for a really long time. He's come such a long way, it's been incredibly heartwarming to witness the love he receives for all of his music, all over the world. I want to tell him that, especially in person. I left him a Facebook message, in our old Facebook chat. But this was new year's day and he hasn't seen it yet. He wasn't lying about not checking his messages LMAO but sooner or later he's going to find out I'm coming to his city next month to see him perform live. I can't wait.
Until then, it's really late. I needed to go to bed an hour ago, I need to be up by 7 AM and leave the house by 8:20 AM. Thankfully I have everything else packed. It'll just be light work once I do wake up. I'll post another update maybe later in the month, or next month. Until then.
-T.L.S.
January 15th, 2026
Another update.
I left for Richmond, VA a week ago today and came back a year older. I had the best birthday of my life so far, and I was so beyond glad I decided to go. Unfortunately, I came back home to find my state a warzone, much worse than when I left last week.
ICE has invaded every part of the capital cities. They're abducting anyone and everyone, regardless of ethnicity. People are being taken at the gas station, cars abandoned at the pump, nozzle still in the gas tank. One man was unconscious when he was taken earlier yesterday, many believed he was dead from how lifeless his body was when they carted him away. Another woman was seen being escorted into a port-a-potty by an ICE agent, a scenario every woman knows uncomfortably well. They have now shot two more people, non-fatally. Another night of protests, clashes, confrontations. This time they managed to run ICE agents off, forcing them to abandon their vehicles. Important documents and belongings were retrieved and seized. Yet again I am reminded of what I posted back in September, about the violence we're experiencing in this country getting worse. How it felt like an omen, a foreshadowing. I couldn't have seen this coming, but then again, none of us could. I remember when ICE were spotted here and there in the cities and suburbs. It was nothing like the invasion we're witnessing now. They will be done with us at some point, eventually. But that means they will move on to another city next. An outcome none of us are looking forward to, especially considering we will have to heal from the damage being done to us now.
Businesses, restaurants, schools and other places have been closing indefinitely left and right. Families are sheltering in place, refusing to leave out of fear of never returning. Community organizations are running fundraisers and grocery delivery services for them, efforts I want to help in. ICE is facing resistance in every corner of the cities. Loud, pervasive reminders that we hate them and they are not welcome here. It reminded me that for all of the perceived support of them on social media, no one has come out publicly to defend or support them. It shows that the people who do support them are either bots, or don't live in the state. A leaked email from two days ago reports that they will even be infiltrating the airport for the next 3 weeks. Both terminals, and the jet bridges. Checking documents of people flying in and flying out. Two of my best friends flew out to Vietnam, a few days ago. They're due back some time this month, and I've been tweaking with anxiety over their return. I immediately told them about the invasion spreading to the airport, offered to pick them up if need be. I don't remember when exactly they get back, but I'm worried they won't see my message until they've already landed. Both are children of immigrants. Both have been terrified of what's been happening in the state. One of them told me they wouldn't be messaging much while they're traveling.
It almost feels remiss to talk about the weekend I had in Richmond. But this is the best way I can document my life outside of Meta and the AI bullshit they insist on forcing onto the rest of us, a separation from which I need to make happen sooner rather than later. My birthday weekend was amazing. I met so many cool people, made new friends. My friends were so happy to see me and celebrate with me, and I'm so happy my best friend convinced me to go with her and her boyfriend. And I was fed so much alcohol that I was wired the whole weekend. I probably could have stayed up all Saturday night, but needed to catch my flight home first thing in the morning. I also got free merch and a signed setlist from a band I'm really starting to like, Evoken. I paid for one shirt that I was told was rare, was given another shirt for free maybe an hour later, and at the end of their set (which was around 2:30 AM), was given more merch they had on their table. They might have been eager to get rid of some stuff so they could leave sooner, but I snagged two magnets of their logo, what appeared to be the last iron-on patch of their logo, two of their guitar picks, and some stickers.
I remember the days I spent my birthday alone, surrounded by family who wondered why I wasn't with friends I didn't have. That's been every birthday I've had since moving up here, honestly. I went through high school in both states as a ghost, barely made any friends. It's a wonder people still recognize me from that time. The last friend I reconnected with from high school up here ended up blocking me everywhere for no reason. She was kind and sweet, caring. I thought she was a good friend, despite her having frequent moments of flakiness. But almost two years ago, when she invited me to do lunch the following week and left me on read when I asked if she had a place in mind, I never messaged her again to remind her. It wasn't the first time this had happened, and I realized in that moment that she was likely always waiting for me to remind her of our plans so she would have an excuse ready to bail. After a year passed where we hadn't seen or spoken to each other, I decided to unfollow/unfriend her everywhere we were connected. It didn't feel like we were friends anymore. She clearly noticed at some point, because she took it a step further and blocked me everywhere. I wasn't hurt, but confused. I didn't do anything, but it was a stark reminder of how difficult friendships have been for me for so long. Maybe there was behavior there that I shouldn't have let slide, maybe I should have set firmer boundaries.
In any case, it feels like this has become the start of a new tradition, where I travel somewhere to spend my birthday with friends. The festival we went to was on a hiatus, likely due to winter being unpredictable even on the southeast coast. This was a comeback several years in the making. One of the cofounders and organizers of the fest shook my hand and was really stoked to hear I flew all the way from the midwest to attend. And I've since learned that it's being held in the same city again next year, although a few days after my birthday. The main organizer was telling my best friend and I that he already had a handful of bands ready to announce for next year. One of my best friends who was there last weekend, Frank, lives a 3 hour drive from the area. We've loosely decided that for my birthday next year, I'll fly to his city and spend it there, then we'll carpool to Richmond for the festival. He's 100% down, provided he's still living in Baltimore next year. Provided this country hasn't burnt itself to the ground or imploded next year. But thinking of next year is reminding me that I need to make arrangements for upcoming travel this year. I just realized that I'll be traveling every month for the first three months of this year!!! I never thought something like this would happen 10 years ago, being a permanent shut-in and terminally online with little to no in-person friends.
I don't think I mentioned this previously, but the crush is performing the east coast next month, with one of his bands that's more up my alley. Not to say I don't like all of his music, I just have favorites and this project is one of them haha. It was something of an impulse buy, after one of my best friends convinced me to come. Crush performed this band last summer in three places and my city wasn't among them. This is my chance to see him, at least before May. I'm hoping to get there a few days before, the show I'm attending is the second to last of this tour but he has a nearly two week gap between the previous show and this one, maybe we'll have time to spend together. I've been leaving messages that I'll be there next month, but he is AWFUL at checking his DMs so he might not see until later this month. He opened my messages twice while he was on tour, but with how busy he was I wouldn't be surprised if he forgot or just didn't see them at all. He doesn't just check his DMs once a month either, he's just not online a whole lot either. I don't even know if he's back home from touring the west coast either, as the last show was on the 11th. I had a chat with Frank about how I've been feeling for him and his lack of response, I felt much better afterwards. I felt normal. I'm also glad he happens to live in the same city as the show, so I'll have someone to hang out with in case crush ends up being unavailable.
Then in March, I will be returning to Greece. This time for my first international music festival. My best friend convinced me to go and I booked the tickets for the fest that were still available. She and I have tentatively planned to go to Greece a week before the festival starts to explore the country and do touristy things. I thought about visiting my ex while there, but we might not have time. Part of me is also worried about what my mom would think of all the traveling I'll been doing. After being forced out of her position for no reason last summer by terrible leadership, she's been unemployed since last summer. I feel that I have to live my life while I still can, before this society and this country completely collapses in on itself. She hasn't nagged me about what I want to do with my life in a while, and I feel that being unemployed for so long despite countless applications and a few interivews, along with this country going into the ground has left her extremely dejected. She mildly told me to "pace myself" when I told her I would be traveling again next month, but she doesn't know about the Greece trip yet. Maybe now she's a bit more lax about things since I've turned 30, although there's still a lot she worries about and for good reason. I think if she took the advice she gave me about positive thoughts, she would feel better.
Our world is in such a chaotic state. Many in my age group/generation are adopting a lifestyle of what headlines call "unwise financial decisions" (read: expensive purchases of varying kinds), and they say this is due to us having no hopes or prospects for a future in the country. So in a way, we're enjoying the moment while we can. They conveniently neglect to mention how the country in question is crumbling before our eyes. Astronomically high housing prices none of us will ever be able to afford. Unattainable post-secondary education, much of which collaborates with a genocidal apartheid entity that has infected west Asia. For profit healthcare that has forced people to ration life-saving medicine, a number of whom have died. Viscerally horrific racism, homophobia, sexism, misogyny, and all sorts of hatred deeply dividing people around us. It's hard to have hope, given the surroundings. I almost want to do the same thing, but having money saved up and continuing to save up makes me feel cushioned and secure. It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would that I'm 30 and still living with family, knowing how mindblowingly expensive housing has become. Supporting my family makes me feel good. It's going to suck living through the fall of the American empire, but it will be for the greater good in the end.
Wow, I ranted a lot in this entry. I started working on this a few days ago and have been editing it all week. But now I'm finally done. Lots of craziness happening here has me preoccupied, but I'll keep myself safe as best I can. Until next time,
-T.L.S.