July 12th, 2025
I made this website six days ago, and I still don't know what to add here. It be like that I guess. I'm thinking this can be used for updates whenever I have any, and whatever those might look like.
August 3rd, 2025
Wow, it's been a minute.
Last Wednesday, I came back in the wee hours of the morning from an amazing music festival held in one of the remotest parts of the United States, the very northwestern corner of Montana. That was my first time in that state (let alone region), my first time recreationally roadtripping for multiple days and hours, my first time camping outdoors and my first time seeing mountains in person. I haven't even been back for a full week, and my friends and I are already plotting to return next year. Although, without camping outdoors. The festival was an absolute blast and I'm glad I went, but camping was an extremely miserable experience that I really don't want to repeat. The people I roadtripped with, whom I met at another music festival on the opposite side of the country, are now my best buddies. I didn't know them very well prior to this. We've spoken dozens of times, but only over chat. But this roadtrip went extremely well, with only a few minor hiccups here and there. An otherwise fantastic experience that couldn't have gone any better.
But less than a week later, I still feel tired. I don't think I've cleared my sleep deficit completely just yet, and I'm lucky I didn't come back with pneumonia or some other sickness. I supposed there's something to be said about where our love for music takes us and what it makes us go through. I know I said I was going to use this website for a music collection catalogue, but for over the past month I've been doing something else this entire time: writing.
I used to write a lot when I was younger and still in grade school, and for the life of me I can't remember why I stopped. I've found so much joy in writing now that I've been given a brand new outlook on life. I have something to look forward to when I turn my laptop on, and for once it isn't social media. Maybe it's because I haven't shared what I've been writing, and I'm still building the website as well as the structure for how I want the webpages for the chapters to look. But fok, this shit is awesome. I wish I had done this sooner! I am somewhat hesitant to start sharing what I've written with the broader public (read: the Internet as a whole), but I figured I would cross that bridge when I get to it. I've been a huge fan of fanfictions for well over a decade, and one of my absolute favorites from the Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom is being re-written as we speak(!!!!!). You can imagine how stoked I was when I got the email about the rewrite from AO3, loooong after I had forgotten about my account. Now I stop whatever I'm doing to read the new chapter once I get the email that it's been posted.
But as if I wasn't busy enough with this particular creative pursuit, some of my close friends have been subtly nudging me in a different direction: learning how to play music. Music has always been a MASSIVE part of my life, and I consider it my first love. My one and only foray into learning an instrument was the flute when I was in elementary school, 20 years ago at this point. I've quite literally forgotten that period of my life; I can't remember what I learned back then and I absolutely do not remember the vast majority of the people I went to school with. So it goes without saying that I don't remember what grade I was in when I attempted to learn the flute (but I want to say 3rd grade), nor do I remember why I even tried to learn this particular instrument in the first place. But I do remember participating in a parade that went around the entire school building, and I was part of the marching band. I was with the other flute players who were playing their instruments flawlessly, while I blew into mine tunelessly. I didn't even know how or where to press my fingers into the flute's openings. One kid in the formation behind me even tried to get me to play something on the spot before the parade started, which of course I didn't do.
So I marched wordlessly with the others, hoping no one would hear or notice that I wasn't really playing this flute to the song (I can still hear in my head) that we were supposed to be playing. VERY much less call attention to my lack of skill. This happened lifetimes ago, I'm confident that at some point in my life, I will forget this completely. I've already forgotten most of my childhood memories from that state. Including who my classmates were, which makes for a jarring experience whenever someone from my hometown sends me a friend request on Facebook and starts messaging me. Even worse when it becomes clear that they know me and remember me from a time that no longer exists in my memories, and I have to make things awkward by telling them that I don't know or remember who they are. But enough with that tangent, all of that to say this will be my first time in two decades learning how to play an instrument, which sounds insane to say out loud, much less type. I've always loved how string instruments sound, and I still remember the pink guitar necklace I got from Claire's that I wore religiously in my adolescence. Looking back, perhaps that had been a foreshadowing.
One of the few things I remember in school was being accused of copying the people around me. I guess this is why I'm hesitant to share whatever it is I'm doing, because I don't want people to accuse me of the same thing and I don't know what my reaction would be if that ended up happening. This might also be why I stopped writing, because I started around the same time someone else did and they threw a bitch fit. (Another thing I remember from my grade school years, being surrounded by god-awful kids and not knowing why everyone was acting like an asshole or a bitch). But I've been listening to music for so long, I'm terrified of ripping off a melody I heard somewhere without even knowing or realizing it. This past weekend I shared this concern with a friend, who told me that everything has basically already been done and everyone else is just copying off each other at this point. Which reminded me of the popular saying that every metal riff in existence is just a Black Sabbath riff played slower (RIP OZZY). I don't feel so worried about this now, but I'm still going to spend the next two weeks looking for guitar and bass guitar kits online in my spare time. I don't want to buy anything just yet, because I'm leaving for Greece on the 16th of this month and won't be back until the 29th.
OK I typed out WAY more than I thought I would, I don't know why I rambled that much. But if you read up to here, thanks a ton! See you next time.
-T.L.S.
August 15th, 2025
Update time.
This coming Sunday is the start of a nearly two week-long vacation in Greece. I leave tomorrow morning and I'll get there Sunday afternoon. It'll be my second time in Greece, but the first time I'll be spending more than 10 days there. I'm excited to be back, excited to eat healthier food and spend a few days on the beach (which I didn't get to do last year), along with more sight-seeing than I was able to do last year. But I'm starting to get nervous. And I'm realizing this nervousness is normal. I felt this way before I went to Montana last month, and I'm pretty sure I felt this way before I went to Baltimore earlier this year and last year as well. I still feel this way before I drive to a concert in the city, even if it's a venue I've been to dozens of times. Apparently it has a name too, "pre-travel anxiety". I'll have moments the day before I leave where I think to myself, "maybe I should cancel the trip", or "I don't think I want to go anymore." I vividly remember thinking this last month just before I left for Montana. But I ended up having a blast there, and I'm so ready to go back. I'm sure this trip, albeit much longer, will be no different. Aside from that, I learned yesterday (technically Wednesday, but the email was sitting in my spam folder until I saw it a day after it was sent) that I'm gonna be getting a pretty nice work bonus within the next month. The company I work for applied to be a part of this bonus initiative led by the Department of Human Services, but this was back in December of last year, and they said they'd keep us in the know along with us not needing to apply for anything ourselves. I think we all forgot about it haha. It's a one-time payment, but it'll be a lot (most of what my paycheck usually looks like). Which means those guitar and bass guitar kits I was looking at a few weeks ago will be in my hands sooner than I realize. I have one kit of each sitting in my wishlist on Shein, along with some pedals, and so far everything is still available. Plus they have really good prices and reviews for starting equipment. I probably could have ordered them after I got back from Montana, but I want time to spend opening and using them before leaving again. All things considered, I'm very excited to see what comes from this!
But wow, the past two weeks really flew by. I still remember when I typed out that post on August 3rd, four days after I came back from Montana. I'm still reliving moments from that trip, and my friends and I are still serious about going back next year. But when I went to Greece last year, things were a bit of a mess. I didn't sleep at all on the flight over the ocean on the way there, and my partner (whom I was there to see and visit for the first time) lived in an apartment building built in the 1940s with no air conditioning. Climbing four flights of stairs with a heavy suitcase and carry-on backpack, just to get to an apartment that was warmer inside than it was outside on no sleep at all, did a severe number on me. My mind was beyond fried. I started crying and didn't stop for several hours, until it was time for bed. (My partner, a loving puppy dog of a man, was also all over me as soon as we saw each other. And as someone who had been celibate their entire life, and completely unaccustomed to sustained affectionate physical contact, that added to the overwhelm I was feeling. Worse was when we tried to be intimate, as sex has always been painful for me. Not to mention I'm deathly afraid of getting pregnant despite having been on birth control for over 6 years now). My partner lived on the 4th floor, which was the very top, and although there was an elevator, only one person had access to it and whoever it was didn't share that access with the other tenants. I still remember lugging my suitcase down four flights of stairs by myself when it was time to go, and my arm was sore for the remainder of that week after I came back to the U.S. My partner was at work when it was time for me to leave, and his roommate at the time, a mutual friend I had been Facebook friends with for a decade at that point, had come home from work just before I left and almost immediately went to bed. I was still getting ready when they got back, and when I told them I was going to be leaving soon, they apologized and said they would be sleeping during that time. They didn't offer to help me with my luggage (which was only one suitcase), nor did they see me off. I don't remember them saying anything else after that before going to their room. They didn't even say goodbye. That was the last time I saw them, and honestly, I still don't know how I feel about this.
All in all, there were certain aspects of my first trip last year that were deeply miserable, all of which were related to the brutal summer heat. A couple of days after I got there, my partner was telling one of his best friends who was visiting from the UK that his apartment got so hot in the summer that when he leaves the building and goes outside, he genuinely feels cold. He even told me that one year it was so hot, they had mosquitoes up until November. Since I'm someone who learns from mistakes and lack of knowledge, this time I booked an Airbnb for us two months in advance. A nice studio apartment in a good part of the city with AIR CONDITIONING!!!! Among other amenities that are clutch for a long stay, like a washing machine and a dryer in unit! Even my partner was surprised that the place we booked still had availability. He'd been working a contract position since February of this year, and his last day was a few days ago. Which means this will be a vacation for him as well. He video called me last week to show me the listings he had found for a bunch of beach house apartments in Halkidiki, and he wanted me to pick the one I liked the most. And after I did, he booked it for us for around three days next week. I remember we were so bummed about not being able to go to the beach last year, so this is sure to be a relaxing and rewarding experience for us both. He told me the other day that with the time we'll have, we can literally do anything we want. I for one am looking forward to chilling indoors for a few days, watching movies and YouTube videos, ordering or cooking food and just relaxing in general. With how hard we work, we both deserve it.
Lately, I've been reflecting on the last things I do before a long trip - my last shower in my bathroom, my last night sleeping in my bedroom in almost total silence, the last meal I'll have at the kitchen counter. It gets me emotional sometimes and it almost feels morbid, but I think it makes me appreciate what I have a lot more. In the meantime, I have everything packed. All the clothing I want to wear, the shoes, the gifts, the toiletries and beach necessities. It doesn't feel like I've packed enough, especially clothing. But having a washing machine and dryer in our Airbnb means I won't need to worry about running out of clean clothes to wear. My partner has a Brita filtered water pitcher in his apartment, and yesterday I asked if we should bring it with us since I didn't think our Airbnb had one. He said we'd take inventory once we get to the Airbnb on Sunday and he will get whatever we need himself, while I stay in the apartment and rest if I need to. Works for me! Now all that's left for me to do is free my room of clutter and garbage to the best of my ability, get my airport outfit and carry-on bags ready for tomorrow, and hope for the best. My nervousness grows the closer it gets to tomorrow, but I keep telling myself that just as the time passed quickly after I came back from Montana, so too will the time pass before it's time for me to come back to the U.S. As much as I deeply resent this country, everything it's done and everything it stands for, it's the only home I have and I'll miss parts of it while I'm gone. Although right now, the only thing I can tell I'll miss outside of my family and friends will be writing (which is still going well!). Besides, spending two weeks with my lovely partner will be memories I cherish for as long as I live. I just hope I'm not a crying mess at the airport again when it's time for me to leave, like I was last year.
Posting updates here is really nice and honestly refreshing, I'll be sure to post another once I've returned! Catch you later.
-T.L.S.
August 29th, 2025
I came back last night just before midnight, from the longest vacation I've ever taken. My partner and I spent a few days in a beach village called Afitos, in what is considered the third peninsula of Greece, Halkidiki. The weather was perfect, the beach was gorgeous, the water was so crystal clear and the food was outstanding. The bra and shirt I wore this afternoon were unusually snug, so I know I gained at least some weight. I had the time of my life there, and as I foreshadowed in my last update, these are memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. (Also as I foreshadowed, I was once again a crying mess at the airport)
But the vacation had its downsides, one of which left me newly single. My partner and I decided to split, for a couple of reasons. This may be TMI, but he's a very sexual person and I, for lack of better phrasing, feel sexually dead most of the time. I think this is mostly chalked up to my birth control killing my sex drive most of the year, but another part of it happened 15 years ago, when I was 14. I briefly dated someone my freshman year of high school, who wanted to finger me so that I could know what sex was like. I didn't know what foreplay was back then, and he didn't either. It turned out to be a painfully traumatic experience that I'm 100% sure ruined penetration for me forever. I can still remember going back home extremely sore down there, and the stinging sensation every time I peed. My partner and I tried having sex when I first visited last year and it never happened, because I tensed up and started crying whenever I was touched down there. We tried again this year with lube and a lidocaine gel I bought beforehand, and it still didn't happen. But this time, he was really frustrated.
He wanted to cum in my mouth at our Airbnb, a few days before we went to Afitos. And I made the mistake of being too blunt and telling him it would be gross for me. I made the additional mistake of suggesting that he relieve himself in the bathroom. After some back and forth, he eventually agreed. But he stormed off and took his phone with him. He came back a few minutes later, looked at me, didn't say anything, and scrolled on his phone with his back facing me before falling asleep. He wasn't completely cold to me for the rest of the day, but he limited his physical interactions with me. He wouldn't hug me or kiss me whereas he was all over me as soon as I got there. A couple of the days I was there he left to help friends with things and to get his beach supplies from his apartment, leaving me alone in the Airbnb. And it was honestly nice having the apartment to myself for a while. It gave me time to think about things I will admit to later here. It also gave me time to reflect, and I've realized certain aspects of this trip will stay with me for as long as I live. But it all came to a breaking point when we got to Afitos.
I remember the bus ride there, he had been somewhat distant like he had been before we left. He was mostly on his phone, watching things. Occasionally he would show me something, after I tried to keep him engaged. I remember asking him what he wanted to do when we got to the beach apartment we rented, and he bluntly said "ehh mainly sex" without hesitation. I tried to brace myself for what was going to happen later, but I wasn't prepared for his reaction. He lubed me up and tried to finger me but I was way too tense and squirmy, I was panicking every time he touched me there. He said "it's literally my little finger" and I replied "it doesn't feel good", and he immediately withdrew his finger. I heard him take two deep, heavy breaths and I knew he was upset. I squeezed my eyes shut as more tears came out, knowing that if I opened them to look at him, the look that was on his face was going to haunt me forever. I managed a very small, broken "I'm sorry", and I heard him storm off to the bathroom and furiously wash his hands. He came back and said "whatever, I give up", put his shorts back on and flopped on the bed next to me, grabbing his phone in the process. My partner was never abusive to me in any capacity, and I knew he would never hurt me. But I didn't even want to move when this happened. I kept thinking "this is all my fault" over and over again, and wanting to disappear into the ceiling above me. Even now, a part of me feels that I helped ruin things between us.
Lying naked and exposed while your partner is upset with you is a profoundly uncomfortable experience that I never want to repeat or revisit again. After a while he got up to look at me and said "wear something" with no emotion in his voice. So I made the awkward walk to the bathroom where I left my clean clothes. I'm pretty sure I dissociated in the process, since I barely remember walking across the bed to where the bathroom was. My getting dressed started a hard conversation, where, among other things, he admitted that when I told him to go to the bathroom to relieve himself a few days ago, he was able to finish by thinking about his ex. And he said "it made me think, 'damn, I miss my ex'". His ex broke up with him very abruptly last year, and he still hasn't recovered from it. He also said I made him feel humiliated when I said it was going to be gross when he came in my mouth. I spent a considerable amount of time thinking I was an abject sexual failure. It didn't help that my partner was insistent that the amount of sexual trauma I have can only be found in people who had been sexually assaulted at a young age, which I never was. Neither was his insistence that women in general have no problem touching themselves to masturbate even at a young age, something I also have not done.
Despite the difficulty of the conversation, it turned out really well in the end. So well that I was able to confess something to him that I've been in denial of for many, many, many years - my sexual attraction to men is weaker than my sexual attraction to women. I'm almost immediately sexually attracted to women as opposed to men, despite my never having been in a romantic relationship with a woman. I'm terrified of the ramifications of what this means for me in the long run in terms of my sexuality, something I've struggled with all my life. I do have some attraction to men, but I think the trauma I experienced when I was 14 prevents my body from fully reacting to said attraction. At least with women, there doesn't have to be penetration. But belonging to an immigrant family with members who are opposed to anything LGBTQ+, and living in a country that is becoming increasingly anti-LGBTQ+ means I will never be in a safe place to explore this side of myself. But my partner, wonderful that he is, understood this completely. And we made the decision there and then that we were going to enjoy the time we have left and end our relationship once I leave. I agreed, though I was heartbroken to do so.
I realize I wasn't the only one who made mistakes. On my last night in Greece, he apologized for how he acted in Afitos. He had this projection in his mind that when I came, "we were going to have the best sex of our lives" and it not happening really disappointed him. He hadn't been sexually active with anyone else since my visit last year, and I distinctly remember him telling me he was "thirsty" when he mentioned this to me the morning I left. But I ended up unintentionally making him feel humiliated, and he made me feel like a freak of nature. When I tried to apologize for how I reacted, he told me I had nothing to be sorry for. Part of me still feels like a failure, but another part of me recognizes the boon for what it is. With some men having sex as a dealbreaker in relationships, this significantly increases the likelihood that I will remain single for as long as I live. I wasn't planning on telling him, but I eventually did when he prompted me to say whatever was on my mind. I don't want to date anyone else again. I've heard enough horror stories from my friends about the dating scene to never set foot there ever.
I was a mess that night, and I was sad when I left the morning of the 28th, but a day after coming back I feel much better. I was sure he hated me on some level for sexually frustrating him, but now I'm convinced that's not the case. I know he loves me on some level still, but he doesn't have major romantic feelings for me like he did for his ex. But it doesn't feel like we've broken up because we're still so close. I didn't tell him this, but I snooped in one of the notebooks he brought with him to our Airbnb and found an entry he wrote with a handful of names. Some were crossed out, like the name of his ex, but others were written in English, like mine. The entry read "the people who had the biggest impact on my life". I didn't think I had that much of an impact at all, but when I pressed him, he told me I was there for him when his ex of five years broke up with him. I still remember how he cried and how devastated he was, and I didn't want to make him hurt like that again.
We couldn't stop talking about how nice our vacation was, how much fun we had, how relaxing it was, and how we both want to do it again next year if things work out. No prior commitments, no work, lots of free time to explore and do things around the city. I think he still loves me enough to want to see me as often as he can, and he even wants me to bring my mom at some point. I'm not opposed to going back either. I didn't feel unsafe or afraid while I was in the city, I saw so many black and brown faces that it made me feel welcome even, and everyone we encountered was nice and friendly. All things considered, I'm glad everything worked out the way it did. I do miss my ex partner, and I would love to see him again. But I'm going to hold out until things work out. I also still feel like a failure, and I feel like I ruined things between us. But I'm hoping it's a feeling that comes and goes.
Okay, all done yapping for now. I'll catch y'all in another update.
-T.L.S.
September 1st, 2025
This is getting harder.
I spent all of today feeling like a massive failure and that I ruined things between my ex and I.
It started last night, when I saw a reel on Facebook. It was one of those POV videos that has a hyper-specific scenario that a niche group of people have experienced. This one happened to be someone neurodivergent/on the autism spectrum accidentally offending people with their bluntness. And I immediately thought of what happened when my ex wanted to cum in my mouth. I remembered when I told him it would be gross. And I remembered his reaction when he finally agreed to finish in the bathroom. I sent him that reel, with the message "I did this to you :(" afterwards. There's an 8 hour time difference between the US and Greece, so he saw the message this morning. And he heart-reacted both the reel and the message I sent.
It's times like these that I realize what a colossal mistake social media was. Making those of us with severe social anxiety overanalyze signals and images and fucking colors of all things, it's insanity. Not to mention the unfiltered access to shitty people on a near-daily basis. I don't blame those I knew who left years ago and never returned. I also don't blame those who are leaving now, announcing that they're getting rid of all their socials and never coming back. I really shouldn't have spent so much of my life on it, it rewired my mind in the worst way possible. But making friends in person was astronomically difficult for me growing up. I wouldn't have met many of the amazing friends I have today without it. I wouldn't have met the ex I'm talking about now without it.
He didn't respond with anything else, other than a couple of funny videos a few hours later. But that one interaction ruined my day. He agreed with what I said and with the video. The damage had been done, on both sides. And I felt terrible. I started re-living the moments I'll never forget from my time in Greece. The bad ones, at least. The part where he told me he finished in the bathroom by thinking of his ex. And how it made him realize how much he missed his ex. And I felt like a moron. What was wrong with me? Why did I do that? I haven't shared with my ex how this has affected me yet, but I probably will at some point. And then he'll ask me why I didn't tell him sooner. He was always encouraging me to speak my mind and share how I feel verbally whenever we video called, instead of sending him walls of text hours later while he was asleep. He wasn't complaining, but I think he thought speaking would be easier for me. Since I trust him and can be open with him about anything. But it wasn't. It still isn't.
We haven't video called since before I flew there. We met one of his friends and his new boyfriend for dinner one night, at a taverna called The Red Bicycle. And my ex was telling them, as he pointed to me, that I single-handedly saved his career by video calling him every morning as his wake up call to get ready for work. I wonder if we'll ever do that again, especially now that he'll be starting a new job soon. I have a sinking suspicion that it won't happen. What would we even talk about? He only video called me to see me and hear my voice, but there's no telling how he feels about that now. Especially since he doesn't video call any of his other friends as much as he video called me.
I've begun telling close friends about the breakup, which is making this even harder. Having to relive the things that were said, the uncomfortable experiences, is very triggering. But they've been offering insightful advice and opinions, and it's been helping me feel better. I'm hoping this feeling is temporary and I don't spend the rest of the week feeling this way. One of the friends I told is opening for a band this Friday that went on hiatus following one of their members' diagnosis with cancer. This will be their first show in five years, and this comeback was made possible by said member beating cancer.
Navigating the end of the best and longest relationship I've ever been in (3 years) is proving to have its ups and downs. That's to be expected, I guess. I just need to keep up appearances with my mother. She doesn't know our relationship is over, and I don't want her to know. We had been dating long enough that she kept asking when he was coming to the US to visit them, and even joking about marriage. My ex and his ex didn't talk about marriage themselves, so I don't think he was interested in that. But my mother is naive to the mass deportations, detainments, and arrests of foreign nationals in this shithole country. Even people visiting with valid visas are getting disappeared by ICE. My ex didn't want to visit on that principle (among other things, like not being able to afford a ticket and pride refusing him to accept one bought for him), and I didn't want him to either. I won't risk his life or well-being over it. There are much better places to go. Yet another reminder of why I don't share things with her. They make for awkward and uncomfortable conversations later, and more often than not I feel stupid when I talk to her.
(P.S. Writing has been very slow lately, I've been stalling big time. I'll try and pick up the pace this week.)
-T.L.S.
September 13th, 2025
Good Lord, what a year it's been.
Only, it hasn't been a year. It's been a few days at best.
A conservative political commentator in the US was assassinated quite literally in broad daylight three days ago, and the vibes in the country have been INSANE ever since. My friends and many others are calling this the "American years of lead", referencing the time period in Italy where political assassinations and terrorism were widespread throughout the countryside. Now because I long since purged my socials of people who knew me from grade school, and people naturally saw themselves out when I started posting things they didn't like, I fared better than my other friends. Over the past few days, I've seen them tally and point out precisely how many people unfriended them over their reactions to the assassination. The discourse surrounding the public murder have made me remember what I mentioned a couple of updates ago, how social media gives us unfiltered access to shitty people. And there's no way to prevent it without exposing ourselves to that shittiness in the first place. I feel for my friends who lost people they were close with over this, the death of someone who didn't know them and wouldn't have cared if they had died to the gun violence he justified. One such friend lives in rural Wisconsin, and because she mocked Kirk's death, she no longer has contact with either of her parents.
I used to feel scared living in this country, where the violence we imported overseas became normalized through microtransactions of it. Mass homelessness, police brutality, lack of healthcare, mass shootings in all public places imaginable. Now I feel a rift in my consciousness, a void telling me that this violence is not only going to get worse, it'll be part of our daily lives. That we need to get used to it as the price we pay for ignoring the imperialism done in our name abroad. For material conditions deteriorating to the point where this type of violence is happening in the first place. And I couldn't help but imagine how much worse this is going to be if this happens to someone else more powerful than Kirk. I had an outing with friends that I felt was far too short. But when I got there, we talked about the assassination and the discourse that happened in the aftermath. It was a good conversation, it lifted the heaviness I had been feeling over the past couple days. But as a general update, I had a therapy session the day before the murder and it went great! I've been feeling much better since I came back from Europe last month, and I've begun looking into sex therapists in my area. I'm not sure what will come of it, but it wouldn't hurt to try.
In other news, I bought a guitar kit and a bass guitar kit on Shein. Both were extremely cheap for starter equipment, under $100 for each kit. My guitar is white, bass guitar is a micro-bass with a wood finish. It's absolutely gorgeous. I still remember the first bass guitar I looked at, an Ibanez GSRM20b mikro-bass with a dark walnut finish that I found on eBay. It was the most beautiful instrument I had ever seen. And it was the first micro-bass I had ever seen! The smaller scale appealed to me, being short and skinny myself. I felt that a regular-scale bass would look and feel like I was holding a sniper rifle. But it was under $200 for a brand name, which was insane to me. I never got it, instead finding out that Shein had dozens of guitars and bass guitars for sale at a fraction of the price, among many other instruments. Each kit came with allen wrenches for removing the bridges to change the strings, extremely flimsy picks, and equally flimsy cases for both. The guitar kit came with an amp, which I have since learned can only be used for the guitar and not the bass due to differing frequency levels. Writing is going slow, and I've barely looked at my guitar and bass guitar since I got them a couple weeks ago. I'm starting to feel slightly overwhelmed, like I've begun too many side projects and hobbies at the same time and I'm being pulled in too many directions. I think it would be better for me to focus on one thing for a while, and then take a break from it by starting another. I don't have an amp for my bass, and my ex told me not to use the guitar amp for the bass as it won't be able to handle the input (or something to that effect).
Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to a concert out of town. I bought the ticket back in March, and nearly forgot about the show altogether until I found it while cleaning my room. Then on Monday I'm getting my covid-19 and flu shots on the same day, and I'm not looking forward to my arm being dead weight after a few hours. But it's a small price to pay for being protected by covid, which would be much more painful than the temporary arm pain.
It's getting late, and I may add to this later, but for now take care and see you in the next update!
-T.L.S.
October 12th, 2025
It's been a month since my last update, and everything has been going good so far. I'm enjoying life as much as I can for someone living in the Imperial core, a dying empire and not in a country experiencing an active genocide or war.
But I had an outing with friends yesterday, and for the first time, I lied to them in person.
My friends are awesome, don't get me wrong. I was invited to this horror book author event at a brewery in a city outside the capital, and when I got there I saw that another friend of ours was also there. After we walked around at the event, we got a table at the brewery and had a drink. One of my friends brought three decks of Magic The Gathering cards, and him trying to teach us how to play with one of the decks when we already had drinks in us was a fun experience. The friend who invited us to the brewery saw another event that she wanted to check out in the northern part of the capital, and we decided to go since we had time before the event ended. But after we played a round of Magic we were getting hungry, so we went to a fast-food place across the street to sit down and have a bite to eat. When we all got our food and we started eating, my friend looked to me and asked how my partner and I were doing. I hadn't told her we broke up, and I didn't want to make things awkward, so I told her we were still doing fine. I tried to deflect and ask about her and her partner, but I don't remember what she said. I just remember what happened next - she asked if we had "done it".
I knew what she was referring to, but I thought I would be playful and ask her what she was talking about. She specified "sex", and that was when I lied and told her that we had. She cheered for me and our other friend sarcastically congratulated me. She asked me if it was fun and I said yes, and thankfully the conversation went to her and her partner afterwards. But I felt weird. Lying isn't something I do to my friends, but I felt put on the spot and didn't want to make things awkward. I just hope nothing comes out of it, and I'm thinking too much about something they probably no longer remember at this point. For what it's worth, the rest of the night was great. We ate, went to the event (which had all but ended by the time we got there), had some more drinks, chilled for an hour and we all left for home. I spent today washing the clothes I wore last night, because the last event we went to had fire pits outside that we sat in front of. We all reeked of bonfire smoke by the time we were leaving. The event had free caramel apples and s'mores, but by the time we got there at 8 PM the s'mores were gone and the ingredients for caramel apples were gone too. All that was left was a crate full of small apples. My friends took one each and ate them, and I stuffed a bunch in my bag since they were free, something they laughed at.
Things between my ex partner and I have been amazing, sometimes it feels like we're still together even though I know we're not. But it's really nice knowing he still cares about me to keep in touch with me and ask how I'm doing among other life updates.
There haven't been many other developments. Other than I'm now strongly considering visiting Ireland sometime next year, and I've recently begun reconnecting with someone I've known on Facebook since 2012. The same day that I had my outing with friends in the previous update, I posted an IG story wearing a specific band shirt. It was an album that came out in 1995, a limited edition design of a shirt I bought at the extreme metal festival I've started going to every year. My friend responded and said he hadn't heard that album in so long, and how he used to listen to it a lot back in 2014. I told him I heard it live back in May during the festival and wept, and he was shocked. Not just because they played it live, but according to him, "you were in my city and I missed that ??" He's been living on the east coast for the past year and I had no idea. The messages we've been exchanging have been friendly but it feels like there's a flirty undercurrent to them. He told me earlier today that there was no way we haven't hung out in person despite the crazy messaging we did back in 2016 and earlier. I vaguely knew what he was talking about but decided to refresh my memory by looking through my old messages with him on Facebook and uhhh.... this dude was really into me LMAO. I remembered some of the messages, but not all of them. We were also cooking each other with roasts, I have no idea where that came from. I spent about 20 minutes in my room cackling to myself like a madwoman. I don't know where this will go but I guess I'll find out next May!
As for Ireland, I've always wanted to visit. But I've seen lots of videos from people of all walks of life, including African Americans, saying it was the friendliest place they had ever visited. And considering they've been staunchly pro-Palestine from the very beginning, it feels like a place I would feel safe visiting while wearing one of my kuffiyehs. I've since watched travel vlogs of Ireland of every city from Dublin to Cork to Galway and Killarney. I'm avoiding northern Ireland as its British controlled, and being a brown person anywhere affiliated with Britain isn't a good idea right now. Vehement anti-immigration sentiments have been sweeping through the country since I was visiting my ex in Greece back in August. Thankfully, it hasn't reached Ireland and considering who they just elected as president, it will likely never take root.
Anyway, fall is here. I've always slept better in colder weather. And I'm turning 30 in less than three months now. But time means literally nothing when you stopped aging after 2014 LMAO. Catch you later.
-T.L.S.
December 1st, 2025
Wow, I checked here a few days ago and saw that I haven't updated in two weeks. I was opening this webpage up every day and night a few months ago!! Insanity. Anyway. An update is long overdue.
Life's been pretty chill so far. I had a dissociative episode that kinda wrecked me a few weeks ago, but it coincided with a therapist session and now it feels like it never happened. I barely remember it to be honest. But I went through some old paperwork I found while cleaning, including college assignments and even high school notes written by my high school ex. The memories made me spiral into an almost fugue state, it was awful. Writing has all but halted and so has guitar/bass playing. I'm a slow learner, and I feel discouraged knowing I can't play as well as my friends. I think I'm one of those people who learns better with someone in front of them. So far I've managed to tune my guitar to (what I believe to be) C-standard, but as far as learning tabs and how to play in general, that's barely been happening at all. But I did buy a bluetooth amp for both bass and guitar. It has a speaker built-in with a headphone jack, so I can play without making a lot of noise. 5 hours of play on a full charge, which seems really cool. It's described as being great for practice, nothing about recording anything. Likely means if I want to record music, I'll need to invest in more equipment. We'll see. My friends are eager to hear something I come up with, but I don't feel pressured, which is nice and understandable. We're all living in late-stage capitalism, a dying and crumbling empire no less. I've come up with a name for my project, first demo/album/EP whatever and I've been building a track list for it over the past few days. Lyrics will be another story, I'm thinking of doing some improv once I'm decent enough on guitars and bass and hearing what that sounds like. Sometimes I feel like a madwoman, I'll get a random melody in my head that I haven't heard before. I even used to have dreams where I was playing a unique tune/melody on guitar, which I unfortunately never remembered once I woke up. Since it still happens, I now race for my HD audio recording app on my phone and hum the melody to hopefully learn to play later. I might be getting too ahead of myself and a little too ambitious, but I think planning ahead is part of the process. My friends are very supportive and some of my local friends even want to record and play music together. It's good to know I'm not alone!
I'm also still talking to my friend from my previous update. My memory is so shot that I forgot we actually met in person last year, October 2024. He's a musician, in multiple bands and projects. One of them performed in my city last October, and I wouldn't have known had one of my buddies not mentioned it in passing a month prior. I remember meeting him in person for the first time, he was grinning from ear to ear when I walked up to his merch table. He looked happy that I was there, but didn't seem too excited. I tried to play myself cool as a result, but internally I was thrilled. I first met him on Facebook back in 2012 when he had just started a band, now he he was performing across the country. He's one of the longest internet friendships I have. We were extremely thirsty for each other back in 2017, and I wasn't sure how he would react to seeing me in person, even though I told him in advance that I was going to be there (to which he seemed happy but not super excited). I very briefly spoke to him when I got there, he waved at me the moment he saw me. I didn't stay as long as I wanted after the show was done. I distinctly remember wanting to hug him as he was on stage, but settling for a STRONG handshake when I realized there was a line of people behind me waiting to talk to him. We didn't speak much after that, but I would see his posts on Instagram every so often. Most of his posts and stories are nature-themed, scenic shots from where he lived at the time. Every so often there would be a selfie or two. I thought he was cute even back then, but he's only gotten more attractive as we've gotten older. And as it turns out, there's been a lingering attraction between the both of us that laid dormant for the better part of 8 years.
I haven't had a crush on someone in... I don't even know how long. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about anyone, maybe grade school when I felt that I liked someone only for them to reject me for not being attractive enough. I was called ugly too many times growing up, and I internalized that. I'm almost 30 and still skeptical whenever someone in public finds me attractive now. I'm even excited whenever he messages me, to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone else but him. Too bad he doesn't check his DMs as often. Considering his popularity, I imagine they're constantly a warzone. I'm trying to act natural and be cool, but it's genuinely hard to think sometimes. I've also been reflecting on why my feelings for him are this intense and they weren't for my ex. My friend Alex tells me that different people have different chemistry, and this is probably true. My ex and I met 3 years ago and began dating almost immediately (I don't even know when our anniversary was, because he decided at some point he was dating me). But as much as I hate to admit it, our age gap lingered in the back of my mind sometimes. I was four years older than him. He was born in 2000!!! It didn't bother him, so I never let it get to me. And lately I've been thinking that maybe my ex and I were too neurodivergent for each other. He had full-blown autism, stimmed and everything. He never had an episode that I saw, but he's told me about previous episodes. There were times he would say something too bluntly to me and I acted like I wasn't affected by it. Like the time I repeated a phrase that was common in his culture and language, and he told me I said it "in a weird way". Or when he accused me of "not wanting to meet new people" when I told him I wanted to stay in our Airbnb one night instead of going out with him and his old coworkers, people whom in retrospect I likely would have never seen again. And I still haven't forgotten how he said it felt like he was with his 7-year-old cousin that he was trying to rape. Even though my ex apologized for how he acted that day, that brings me to something else I've been reflecting on.
It was a Herculean effort for my ex to turn me on. Nothing he did made me feel good. Even the times we tried doing things over video chat that included touching myself. And that translated into real life. I even found it difficult to flirt with him, in person and online. I don't know how else to describe it other than it just... didn't feel right for me. He was good looking, and I was physically attracted to him. But I had no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. On the other hand, my friend turns me on. A LOT. We started explicitly flirting a few weeks before my period started, so I was on the verge of ovulating and feeling feral. It's been three weeks since my period, and I am STILL getting turned on by him. I'm finding myself daydreaming about his body, his voice, about us having sex and it really gets me going. I've woken up wet and throbbing more times than I can count. I've even started stroking myself!!!!! Experimentally, but it feels so good. Flirting with him is so natural too. And I have to imagine that this is because of our history. It's not so different compared to what we did in 2017 (although a LOT more explicit), but we also talked normally in the beginning and after. We built a friendship that remains to this day. Next year will be 14 years that I've known him, which is insane. Knowing he's just as into me as I am into him is no doubt influencing how I feel. Alex jokingly referred to it as "DLC bonus lust activated". On some level, it feels like we're getting to know each other all over again. We didn't always keep in touch after 2017 - I graduated high school in 2014 and started college immediately afterwards; and in 2017 I was in the thick of my undergrad. I'm learning now that at the same time, he was in the thick of recording music. LOTS of music. And although he hasn't shared a lot about himself and what he's been up to recently, I have the very distinct impression that he's gone through a lot over the past several years. I know the feeling, all too well. He grew up in the US, lived south of the border for 2 years, lived abroad in Europe for about a year, then came back to the US last year. He's made some near-drastic changes to his appearance since I've known him, several times. He's alluded to people who follow him on social media instinctually knowing whenever something is going on with him, due to his popularity. And I could have sworn he was seeing someone when we met in 2024, but nothing he's said or posted recently indicates he's seeing anyone now. And with how many music projects he has that are concurrently active, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have time for dating or a love life. It isn't something we talked about though, at least not yet. Who knows if that conversation will ever come up either. He's so insanely busy with music and everything music-related, that I probably hear from him every few weeks if I'm lucky, and that's mostly on the weekends.
I could go on all day about his music too. The entire language he came up with for one of his more popular projects, the collection count of some of these albums on Bandcamp is in the thousands. Such detailed, complex, layered music he must have spent years cultivating to perfection. But I feel that I've yapped enough about him lol. Suffice to say, I hold him in very high regard. And not just because he's been my friend for nearly 14 years. He's ridiculously creative, driven, passionate, ambitious, the list goes on. He's funny, sensual and seemingly tireless too! He's such an inspiration. I can't wait to see him next year. I at least hope to see him next year, with how busy he is with his music. I feel like I'm going insane sometimes, I picture us hanging out at parties with all of our friends and being all lovey-dovey with each other. Me sitting in his lap, him stroking my legs and hips, treating me like a drum kit with how much he loves drumming. I don't even feel guilty for not feeling this level of excitement for my ex. Is it wrong? Even if he didn't love me that much to begin with? I may have spoiled the relationship for myself when I found out he didn't have romantic feelings for me last year, but that's a story for another time.
All of this has inspired me to kick myself into high gear and make something for myself! As far as writing goes, I'm taking a break for now. I don't know when I'll resume, but I made a page for the next chapter and I have it more or less mapped out in my head. I just don't feel like transcribing it to text at the moment haha. Until next time.
-T.L.S.
January 7th, 2026
We are a whole week into the new year, and I was feeling so fucking broken.
Today started out like any other, I woke up early to get some things done and went back to sleep. I woke up again a few hours later to the news that an ICE agent had murdered a woman in the capital city this morning, shooting her in the face multiple times as she tried getting away from them. A cold-blooded execution in broad daylight. As if the city hadn't been through enough with the murder of George Floyd and its track history of other unarmed murders by police, the ICE agents already in the city agitating things by harassing and arresting our neighbors. As if things weren't bad enough here and abroad.
The federal government was so quick to put out a statement. They knew there were eye-witnesses. They knew people were recording them. They knew how bad it looked, and they've been doing everything they can to spread the lies faster than social media can spread the evidence. Even slandering the victim and her wife. Virtually no one is buying it. State leadership openly called out the lies on national television, even as the federal government attempted to paint a picture of the victim that didn't exist, even before they removed her body from her car.
I was hurting so badly from this. I'd lost count of all the deep breaths I took today, how many times I came close to bursting into tears, screaming and crying. It took everything in me to power through the chores I still had to do before I leave tomorrow morning. I was in a fugue state for much of the day, caught between feverishly checking and doomscrolling every app I use for the latest updates, and picking away at the tasks I still needed to complete. Deep clean my room. Deep clean my bathroom. Pack remaining essentials. Download necessary apps.
The vigil for the victim drew thousands of people to the city. Many of my friends went. It was a flashback of the vigil and memorial for George Floyd, nearly 6 years ago now. It's been estimated that over 10,000 people showed up. There were so many people, the community accounts I follow couldn't livestream or even upload anything in the moment because the cellular data network was reaching critical constraints. It comforts me knowing that so many people showed up and out, even in other states. The solidarity was seen and felt.
I felt the weight of the murder's ramifications settle on me like a blanket, heavy on my shoulders. The sense of nothing getting better. Things getting worse, more people getting hurt or killed. I looked back at a previous update I made in September, after Kirk was assassinated. How I had a foreboding feeling that things would get worse afterwards. It felt ominous, reading my words from 3 months ago, not knowing what was to come. But then I listened to some of my favorite music, and I spent an hour in a Discord call with close friends, and I felt immensely better afterwards. It felt so good knowing I wasn't alone in what I was feeling. I got the rest of my things done, and I'm all set for tomorrow. Which, speaking of...
I'm flying to Richmond, VA tomorrow for a music festival. It will coincide with a milestone birthday, as I turn 30 this coming Saturday while the festival is happening. My friends really want to celebrate with me, both of them are going and at first tickets were sold out. Then 50 more were released for the individual days, and I snagged the ones I wanted for Friday and Saturday. I almost didn't. I thought it was too last minute of a plan to work out. But then I realized I would be spending yet another birthday at home with no one surrounding me but family, a milestone birthday no less. And I didn't want to live that reality anymore. Once I locked in, my friend rearranged everything to fit me into her plans, and managed to snag a new Airbnb that was cheaper than the one she got that had room for us both.
She even gave me birthday gifts last Friday. A book, an intricate turtle made out of what looks like brass or maybe pyrite, and a triangular chainmail necklace she later revealed that she made herself. And something else that had yet to be delivered to her house. I was floored. I hadn't received birthday gifts from friends in... close to a decade now. College was the last time. And I cut ties with the people from those memories. I haven't seen or heard from them in years. I hope it stays that way. My heart still feels heavy, and I feel a little anxious about this weekend, but I'm hoping it's full of healing and love and laughter and friendship.
As far as other updates go, nothing drastic or new has happened. I got a new phone, with the best camera quality I've seen in years. It debuted in 2024 but it was brand new when I bought it, it's so sleek and sharp. I took an insane number of selfies with it the other day that I hope to debut on my birthday. Also hoping to send the rest to crush at some point. That's also still a thing, although I feel the intensity of it has been dimming somewhat. I probably won't hear from him until maybe later next week, or later in the month. He's currently touring the West coast, he left almost a week ago now. He's touring on both of his music projects, and it's insane how he has the energy to perform double duty every night, especially since he's been on tour almost every day since last week.
He apparently only checks his messages once a month. I miss the days when we were talking every day or every few days. I hope to return to that, but with how busy and popular he's becoming, that likely won't be happening again, at least not anytime soon. He has a live lineup with him that performs the songs for both of his bands, people he met in his city. I see him tagged in their pictures and IG stories every so often, I see them include him in activities. I intend to ask him this myself when I see him in person next month, but I hope they're good to him. I hope they keep him safe, they care about him, they have his best interests at heart. I hope the people he's surrounded by people who are good to him, people who genuinely want him around and aren't taking advantage of him.
We were both lonely kids on the internet for a really long time. He's come such a long way, it's been incredibly heartwarming to witness the love he receives for all of his music, all over the world. I want to tell him that, especially in person. I left him a Facebook message, in our old Facebook chat. But this was new year's day and he hasn't seen it yet. He wasn't lying about not checking his messages LMAO but sooner or later he's going to find out I'm coming to his city next month to see him perform live. I can't wait.
Until then, it's really late. I needed to go to bed an hour ago, I need to be up by 7 AM and leave the house by 8:20 AM. Thankfully I have everything else packed. It'll just be light work once I do wake up. I'll post another update maybe later in the month, or next month. Until then.
-T.L.S.
January 15th, 2026
Another update.
I left for Richmond, VA a week ago today and came back a year older. I had the best birthday of my life so far, and I was so beyond glad I decided to go. Unfortunately, I came back home to find my state a warzone, much worse than when I left last week.
ICE has invaded every part of the capital cities. They're abducting anyone and everyone, regardless of ethnicity. People are being taken at the gas station, cars abandoned at the pump, nozzle still in the gas tank. One man was unconscious when he was taken earlier yesterday, many believed he was dead from how lifeless his body was when they carted him away. Another woman was seen being escorted into a port-a-potty by an ICE agent, a scenario every woman knows uncomfortably well. They have now shot two more people, non-fatally. Another night of protests, clashes, confrontations. This time they managed to run ICE agents off, forcing them to abandon their vehicles. Important documents and belongings were retrieved and seized. Yet again I am reminded of what I posted back in September, about the violence we're experiencing in this country getting worse. How it felt like an omen, a foreshadowing. I couldn't have seen this coming, but then again, none of us could. I remember when ICE were spotted here and there in the cities and suburbs. It was nothing like the invasion we're witnessing now. They will be done with us at some point, eventually. But that means they will move on to another city next. An outcome none of us are looking forward to, especially considering we will have to heal from the damage being done to us now.
Businesses, restaurants, schools and other places have been closing indefinitely left and right. Families are sheltering in place, refusing to leave out of fear of never returning. Community organizations are running fundraisers and grocery delivery services for them, efforts I want to help in. ICE is facing resistance in every corner of the cities. Loud, pervasive reminders that we hate them and they are not welcome here. It reminded me that for all of the perceived support of them on social media, no one has come out publicly to defend or support them. It shows that the people who do support them are either bots, or don't live in the state. A leaked email from two days ago reports that they will even be infiltrating the airport for the next 3 weeks. Both terminals, and the jet bridges. Checking documents of people flying in and flying out. Two of my best friends flew out to Vietnam, a few days ago. They're due back some time this month, and I've been tweaking with anxiety over their return. I immediately told them about the invasion spreading to the airport, offered to pick them up if need be. I don't remember when exactly they get back, but I'm worried they won't see my message until they've already landed. Both are children of immigrants. Both have been terrified of what's been happening in the state. One of them told me they wouldn't be messaging much while they're traveling.
It almost feels remiss to talk about the weekend I had in Richmond. But this is the best way I can document my life outside of Meta and the AI bullshit they insist on forcing onto the rest of us, a separation from which I need to make happen sooner rather than later. My birthday weekend was amazing. I met so many cool people, made new friends. My friend Raine managed to befriend one of the organizers who gave me a festival pass. When I got there, she and her boyfriend were planning on going to one of the days that I didn't buy a ticket for. The pass was supposed to be valid for that Thursday, but it ended up being valid for the entire weekend. So even though I bought tickets for the days I wanted, I was de facto guest-listed for the entire festival! My friends were so happy to see me and celebrate with me, I'm so happy my best friend convinced me to go with her and her boyfriend. And I was fed so much alcohol that I was wired the whole weekend. I probably could have stayed up all Saturday night, but needed to catch my flight home first thing in the morning. I also got free merch and a signed setlist from a band I'm really starting to like, Evoken. I paid for one shirt that I was told was rare, was given another shirt for free maybe an hour later, and at the end of their set (which was around 1:30 AM), was given more merch they had on their table. They might have been eager to get rid of some stuff so they could leave sooner, but I snagged two magnets of their logo, what appeared to be the last iron-on patch of their logo, two of their guitar picks, and some stickers.
I remember the days I spent my birthday alone, surrounded by family who wondered why I wasn't with friends I didn't have. That's been every birthday I've had since moving up to the midwest, honestly. I went through high school in both states as a ghost, barely made any friends. I'm sure most people from my time in the south have forgotten about me. The last friend I reconnected with from high school here ended up blocking me everywhere for no reason. She was kind and sweet, caring. I thought she was a good friend, despite her having frequent moments of flakiness. But almost two years ago, when she invited me to do lunch the following week and left me on read when I asked if she had a place in mind, I never messaged her again to remind her. It wasn't the first time this had happened, and I realized in that moment that she was likely always waiting for me to remind her of our plans so she would have an excuse to bail ready. After a year passed where we hadn't seen or spoken to each other, I decided to unfollow/unfriend her everywhere we were connected. It didn't feel like we were friends anymore. She clearly noticed at some point, because she took it a step further and blocked me everywhere. I wasn't hurt, but confused. I didn't do anything, but it was a stark reminder of how difficult friendships have been for me for so long. Maybe there was behavior there that I shouldn't have let slide, maybe I should have set firmer boundaries.
In any case, it feels like this has become the start of a new tradition, where I travel somewhere to spend my birthday with friends. The festival we went to was on a hiatus, likely due to winter being unpredictable even on the southeast coast. This was a comeback several years in the making. One of the cofounders and organizers of the fest shook my hand and was really stoked to hear I flew all the way from the midwest to attend. And I've since learned that it's being held in the same city again next year, although a few days after my birthday. The main organizer was telling my best friend and I that he already had a handful of bands ready to announce for next year. One of my best friends who was there last weekend, Frank, lives a 30 minute drive from the area. We've loosely decided that for my birthday next year, I'll fly to his city and spend it there, then we'll carpool to Richmond for the festival. He's 100% down, provided he's still living in his city next year. Provided this country hasn't burnt itself to the ground or imploded next year. But thinking of next year is reminding me that I need to make arrangements for upcoming travel this year. I just realized that I'll be traveling every month for the first three months of this year!!! I never thought something like this would happen 10 years ago, being a permanent shut-in and terminally online with little to no in-person friends.
I don't think I mentioned this previously, but the crush I mentioned in previous updates is performing the east coast next month, with one of his bands that's more up my alley. Not to say I don't like all of his music, I just have favorites and this project is one of them haha. It was something of an impulse buy, after one of my best friends convinced me to come. Crush performed this band last summer in three places and my city wasn't among them. This is my chance to see him, at least before May. I'm hoping to get there a few days before, the show I'm attending is the second to last of this tour but he has a nearly two week gap between the previous show and this one, maybe we'll have time to spend together. I've been leaving messages that I'll be there next month, but he is AWFUL at checking his DMs so he might not see until later this month. He opened my messages twice while he was on tour, but with how busy he was I wouldn't be surprised if he forgot or just didn't see them at all. He doesn't just check his DMs once a month either, he's just not online a whole lot period. I don't even know if he's back home from touring the west coast either, as the last show he had there was on the 11th. I had a chat with Frank about how I've been feeling for him and his lack of response, I felt much better afterwards. I felt normal. I'm also glad he happens to live in the same city as the show, so I'll have someone to hang out with in case crush ends up being unavailable.
Then in March, I will be returning to Greece. This time for my first international music festival. My best friend convinced me to go and I booked the tickets for the fest that were still available. She and I have tentatively planned to go to Greece a week before the festival starts to explore the country and do touristy things. I thought about visiting my ex while there, but we might not have time. Part of me is also worried about what my mom would think of all the traveling I'll been doing. After being forced out of her position for no reason last summer by terrible leadership, she's been unemployed since last summer. I feel that I have to live my life while I still can, before this society and this country completely collapses in on itself. She hasn't nagged me about what I want to do with my life in a while, and I feel that being unemployed for so long despite countless applications and a few interivews, along with this country going into the ground has left her extremely dejected. She mildly told me to "pace myself" when I told her I would be traveling again next month, but she doesn't know about the Greece trip yet. Maybe now she's a bit more lax about things since I've turned 30, although there's still a lot she worries about and for good reason. I think if she took the advice she gave me about positive thoughts, she would feel better.
Our world is in such a chaotic state. Many in my age group/generation are adopting a lifestyle of what headlines call "unwise financial decisions" (read: expensive purchases of varying kinds), and they say this is due to us having no hopes or prospects for a future in the country. So in a way, we're enjoying the moment while we can. They conveniently neglect to mention how the country's society in question is crumbling before our eyes, and has never cared about us at any point of our lives. Astronomically high housing prices none of us will ever be able to afford. Unattainable post-secondary education, much of which collaborates with a genocidal apartheid entity that has infected west Asia. For profit healthcare that has forced people to ration life-saving medicine, a number of whom have died. Viscerally horrific racism, homophobia, sexism, misogyny, and all sorts of hatred deeply dividing people around us. It's hard to have hope, given the surroundings. I almost want to do the same thing, but having money saved up and continuing to save up makes me feel cushioned and secure. It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would that I'm 30 and still living with family, knowing how mindblowingly expensive housing has become. Supporting my family makes me feel good. It's going to suck living through the fall of the American empire, but it will be for the greater good in the end.
Wow, I ranted a lot in this entry. I started working on this a few days ago and have been editing it all week. But now I'm finally done. Lots of craziness happening here has me preoccupied, but I'll keep myself safe as best I can. Until next time,
-T.L.S.
January 25th, 2026
Another murder took place, early yesterday morning in the capital city.
A day after the largest general strike in our state's history, where estimates of at least 50,000 people - my friends included - withheld their labor and demonstrated in the streets of the downtown district, in -20F weather. A man later revealed to be an ICU nurse in service to the VA was helping a woman who was shoved by an ICE agent. His last words were to ask if she was okay. He was recording them on his phone, something they deeply dislike the public doing. They never want witnesses to the crimes they commit. They escalated by pushing him to the ground, several agents surrounding him and dogpiling him. The videos show his gun was physically removed from his waistband and carried away, and another agent begins pistol-whipping him moments before another agent shoots and kills him execution-style. Several more shots are fired into him, after his body goes lifeless and limp. One video shows an ICE agent down the street openly applauding when hearing the shots. Another has a woman sobbing uncontrollably. One agent - perhaps the same one who was applauding - verbally says "boo hoo", as if mocking the crying woman. Reports are now circulating that one of the witnesses filming is being hunted by the government and is afraid to go back to her house in fear of retaliation. The city erupted immediately. People have been gathering in the single-digit weather since yesterday afternoon. My friend and I were among them in the evening. I was scared out of my mind the entire drive to her house on the northeast side of town, but we carpooled together and I felt so much better once we got to the meeting place of the rally and were surrounded by so many like-minded people. I may not live directly in the city itself, but I consider it my home all the same.
We were freezing our asses off; our feet had long gone numb, and our fingers and faces would have followed suit had we not brought hand warmers and face masks. Both of us are fortunate to not know what the first signs of frostbite are, but the numbness had been in our feet for so long that it was getting painful to walk and we were getting concerned. The murder took place right in front of a business that we were both very familiar with, and they've been keeping their doors open for people to come inside and warm up. They provided snacks, water, places to sit and plenty of hand and toe warmers. Respite at no cost to us, as they were happy to see all of us. It's a miracle I didn't wake up sick today, but I've felt terrible ever since I got out of bed this morning. My state has turned into ground zero for a second civil war literally overnight. I know this is the imperial boomerang coming back to hit us square in the forehead, duly rewarding a society that couldn't draw a red line at genocide. I'm terrified regardless. I don't know what will happen next. None of us do. None of my local friends and I are okay or doing well in the face of everything happening. We have all started collectively lying to people who ask us if we're okay. It's taken everything in me to go through the motions of all I did today. I had to force myself to do my hair several hours ago, a process that took about half an hour. It's been a dry, itchy mess for the past two weeks and I probably should have washed it, but I genuinely had no energy for it. It would have taken a few hours that I didn't want to spend. Honestly I didn't feel like doing anything today outside of the necessary laundry. I barely remember eating dinner an hour ago. Even my family noticed I was quieter than usual. They know I'm passionate about these things. They know it affects me differently.
It feels surreal. Two white people murdered in broad daylight by the federal government. Local and national media has been taking this very seriously, likely due to the victims being white. I suppose it's not helping that the federal government is blatantly lying on national tv about the murders too. But this has been happening to black and brown and indigenous people across the country for decades. Centuries, even. But now that white people are on the receiving end of state violence, it's suddenly worth talking about. I'm seeing bands, musicians, actors and personal friends who barely (or never) said a word about Palestine speak up about what ICE is doing in my state. This occupation will end. I know it will. They cannot stay here forever, my city will heal from the damage done, but the tipping point has already been crossed and the violence is escalating. And I'm feeling really helpless not just on this front, but another. Over the past few weeks, I've been increasingly frustrated with my crush. I haven't heard from him in over a month. At this point, I'm honestly not sure if I will hear from him before I get to his city on the east coast in 3 weeks. The last sign I ever saw of him online was the weekend of my birthday, almost 3 weeks ago now. He saw the IG stories where I announced my birthday in spite of how heavy my heart was over what's been happening in my city. He didn't say anything. He was almost done with his west coast tour at that time; he was performing two sets per show every night for over a week straight. I had no doubt he was falling clean off every night. I figured I would message him again a few days after he (presumably) came back from the last show of his tour and had some rest. He saw my messages twice while he was on tour but I still haven't heard from him. I messaged him again a few hours ago and there's been nothing. It's like he goes offline for weeks. I regret not getting his number sooner. Granted, there's no guarantee he's responsive there either, but it wouldn't hurt to try. Provided he gets back to me at some point in the next 3 weeks.
I genuinely feel like an insane and obsessive fan-girl. I'm now getting video recommendations for interviews he did years ago and the full set of one of his live shows on YouTube. I've all but memorized what his voice sounds like. Despite how long we've known each other, I only just heard it isolated for the first time last year. I guess it's enough to know he's safe and nothing has happened to him. But what's happened to me? When did I get like this? I've always been attracted to him and I've fantasized about him before. That might have been kicked into overdrive upon finding out he feels the same, but he's so beyond unavailable that I don't even know if this is worth pursuing, especially in the long run. I've vented to a few friends about this already. I think the timing of this has just been awful. He's always wanted to perform his music live with a band, but he didn't know anyone to help him make that happen and didn't know how to approach anyone for that help either. He also was very socially isolated growing up - something I relate to as I was the same way. Our adolescences were so similar, it was how we connected early on. Autistic or otherwise extremely neurodivergent, little to no social skills as a kid, very few (if any) in-person friends, and no social lives or serious friendships until our early to late adulthood. I don't think he knows how to navigate social settings period, even with me despite our shared history. I've suspected for a while that he's shy and/or nervous around me, but I barely know how to read people with how neurodivergent I am. But now that he has a full live line-up for all three of his more popular music projects, he's signed to a DIY label that I'm pretty sure he helps run, and he's working with booking agencies for this continent and the rest of the world, there's so many things he says he has lined up for this year, including world tours.
He mentioned this in one of the interviews he did late last year. He said he gets caught up with so many music-related things he has to do that things get "very disorganized" on his end, to where he doesn't even have hobbies outside of making music and nature walks. Like, once he started recording music, that became his life's work and he lost track of everything else, including keeping in touch with people he knew. He once told me that he "finally has a social life" at some point after we reconnected. I remember in a previous update gushing about how hard-working he was. Now I'm thinking it was a workaholic symptom. And I'm worried he might not realize what's happening, that he'll miss something important if this consumes him. Not that making music is a bad thing, and even he agrees that seeing anything outside of making music as unproductive or a waste of time isn't the right way to see things. When he was telling me that he often gets too hammered over the weekends, he said I should be there. But where would I even fit into his world? It seems like his live line-up people, the folks who toured with him and play in his bands, are his friends. But I never see him with anyone outside of that. I believe he has some interest in me, but I don't know to what extent, because it clearly isn't a priority compared to his music. I don't even know what he thinks of me, other than I'm attractive and I have taste. I think he wants to get to know me more like I want to with him, but his life outside of music is crazy busy and he doesn't have a ton of room for a more fleshed out social life. When I say he goes offline for weeks, it isn't just me he doesn't respond to. He's admitted publicly to being bad at checking messages. He must have hundreds of people, avid fans of all his music, vying for his attention online. Dozens of unread messages from those hoping to be blessed by his attention. Will a 13 year friendship and a lingering attraction 9 years in the making be enough to get through all of that? I guess time will tell.
I'm about ready to give up on letting him know I'll be there, I have maybe one or two attempts left in me before I decide to leave it to fate. I've already considered the worst case scenario. That he won't see any of my messages for the next 3 weeks and he won't know I'll be in the city until way later. Maybe the day of the show later. I've been bracing for what to do if that does happen and he sees me there. Would he even recognize me? I would probably feel really awkward, torn between the frustration I'm feeling now and the excitement of seeing him in person again. I don't know what I'll say to him. Maybe that if he had checked his messages sooner, he would have known I was coming months in advance. I remember sending him a message after a long stretch of not hearing from him last year, the night he was playing a show, and the wording I used made him think I was at the venue. He said he got excited, and it made me think I should go to one of his shows to see him. I was hoping to build up hype for my visit next month, but his absence has really dampened my spirits and taken the wind out of my sails. Maybe this was a mistake. I thought after his fourth show, he'd have those nearly two weeks as down time in the city to spend time with me or do something, even for a little bit. But if this lack of activity on his end extends any further, I might as well start planning an itinerary of things to do in the city with my friends. Thankfully my best friend Frank lives in the city and is down to do whatever after he's done with work. Frank even invited me to a Chinese New Year party on the night I fly in. I've never been to one, and I'm excited to try the food. My other best friend Dan, who is more like a little brother to me, lives in a city 45 minutes away and would love to hang out too. So I won't be completely alone in the city or the state. I'm glad my visit won't be a burden on either of them.
Also, I should explain for the record that my crush has never once made me feel annoying, nor has he called me annoying for messaging him too much. He actually seems to likes when I message him, even if he doesn't respond he takes the time to look at it sometimes. But that might be me setting the bare minimum bar too high. But my anxiety and my need for approval from peers internalized the times I was called annoying by people I liked for excessive messaging in the past, or just being me. And it has prevented me, all these years later, from repeating that behavior with anyone. I have a traumatic experience with my ex that still haunts me and has policed what I say to people ever since. My family asked if I was alright, and I told them I was. I couldn't tell them that I spent most of today fantasizing about and yearning after someone I haven't heard from in weeks, someone who probably doesn't think of me as often as I think of him. It makes this feel so one-sided on my end, I don't even think he knows I like him like that. One friend said he doesn't sound interested. Another told me he's likely busy doing things I appreciate about him, which helped me feel better. I still spend every night and every waking moment fantasizing about us having sex. What he would sound like moaning with me and what it would feel like to ride him. Maybe if I curtail any potential feelings and just focus on a sexual relationship, I'll be okay. The attraction definitely remains, but the fire is dying out. We've gotten into a routine of sharing explicit content more often, but last month I recorded a POV clip of me touching myself while in bed and sent it in our chat, so it's there without disappearing after replaying it once or twice. He saw it pretty quick, and I'm a little worried that now that he's seen it, he has it saved and he has no reason to talk to me anymore. I hope that isn't the case. I mentioned missing him in the last two messages I sent him, and I would feel extremely clingy if I sent any more.
In any case, today sucked mentally. It was hard. The situation in my state isn't getting better, and the one person I want to talk to is unavailable to high Hell. So far he doesn't know I'll be at his east coast show and I'm worried I might be making a fool of myself showing up there. He probably thinks I'm just as busy as him, but that isn't true. I miss him. I wish I could talk to him more. I'm hoping the trip 3 weeks from now goes smoothly. I hope ICE has gotten the FUCK out of our state by then. I'm hoping I get to talk to crush at least a little bit before and after the show, spending time with him would be amazing but it sounds so far-fetched now. This is making me sound like I'm scraping for crumbs. I bet I sound no different than the dozens of voices flooding his inbox. I miss the days where we talked a lot. I miss the days where I didn't feel this hung up over someone I wasn't thinking about seriously this time last year. I miss the days where I wasn't scared out of my mind driving into the capital city. But I think what I miss most is the distraction my crush provides. I don't need to think about all the awful shit happening in my state or in the world when I talk to him. He never posts anything political (except condemning AI) but I suspect he feels the same way I do. I just hope I hear from him soon, preferably before I leave. Usually whenever I do hear from him it's only for a few minutes at best, maybe 10 if I'm lucky.
Things shouldn't be like this, with my crush or my state. I shouldn't be like this, and I know realistically keeping myself preoccupied with music and hobbies and whatever else will get me through this. But in the meantime, I will be hoping for the best on both fronts.
-T.L.S.
(P.S.: I've started the next chapter! It's still in its infancy and very barebones, but I'm hoping to add to it over this week.)
January 26th, 2026
Normally I never post updates back to back, but I feel this update is deserved. For the first time I went to bed last night without fantasizing about my crush.
It was something of a ritual to help me sleep better. I'd think about being held in his arms and him carrying me around with my legs wrapped around him. Covering his face with kisses while his hands wander and explore my body. It helped get me going and it helped me sleep fast. But last night, instead of thinking of what I want to happen, I shed quiet tears and reminisced on how much of an idiot I felt like. I had this idea in my head that once he found out I was coming to the show, he'd introduce me to his band mates and we'd all chill and hang out backstage or somewhere else. It seems beyond far-fetched now, and I feel so stupid for even entertaining those thoughts. I should probably unpack where they're coming from. My need for companionship on a large scale, to be surrounded by people who think I'm awesome and cool and fun to be around. I already have that, lots of people local and abroad who care about me and have my best interests at heart. But I still feel so lonely. I still feel lame and weird.
I don't know how I fell asleep, I didn't feel tired at first. But I fell off anyway. I woke up early enough to get a few things done, went back to sleep and woke up after 12:30 this afternoon. I specifically remember having a dream where me and a group of people who felt like community members went somewhere, maybe a huge church. It was like we were having a meeting but instead of meeting we just... sat around, chilled, lounged, worked on crafts and things. I remember seeing wires plugged into a device, like I was listening to music with wired earbuds. It felt so safe and relaxed. I think it was telling me something, that the only way I'll heal internally is with community. Surrounding myself with people who care about me and will keep me safe and protect me.
I woke up feeling a lot more at peace than I did over the past week. I think I've made peace with not hearing from my crush; although I may still send him things here and there, I don't think I'll force any sort of interaction. It's so hard to get his attention outside of voice messages and I honestly don't have the energy for that now. It's clear he's way too busy doing other things and can't keep in touch with me, or anyone else online for that matter. And it isn't because of me. Last night I tried to remember the times I saw my crush online before we reconnected, and had very little recollection of when that happened. There's no way of telling when he's online either, because his IG profile never shows him online like it does other users. Not sure if that's because he uses IG Lite or some other reason. But I think he's always been this way, and that knowledge is neither comforting nor upsetting to me. If anything, I'm more determined to see him in person next month. His reaction to seeing me will tell me everything I need to know. Provided he doesn't see any of the messages I sent and finds out for himself the day of the show. Maybe we can have a good conversation out of it. Maybe I can get his number.
I went through the scenario so many times over last night. Wondering what I would say to him or how I would react to him if he sees and recognizes me. I'm not entirely sure he would recognize me anyway, considering how many shows he plays and how many people he must be in contact with. And not to mention I'm getting my hair braided the week before I leave, my family has told me before that I look different with braided hair (in a good way). But he's told me before and in an interview that he has exceptionally good memory, and that's proven true so far. I pictured myself leaning against a support beam near the center, or on the wall by the sides. Our eyes would meet while he's on stage, and he'd instantly have a spark of recognition. I would give him a small smile and wave. We'd probably talk at some point after the show, and he would ask me why I didn't tell him I was coming. And I'd just tell him to check his messages.
It sounds insanely cringe looking back, a scenario that likely won't even play out in real life. At the moment, I don't know anyone personally who will be at the show besides him. I have a friend who lives two hours outside of the city, I asked him a few weeks ago and he said if he could find a ride to the venue he'd be there. I don't think Frank is planning on going, and I don't know if he'd be willing to buy a ticket and come with me so I'm not alone. Actually, unless he has something going on, I'm sure he will. I met him in August and he quickly became one of my best friends, especially after my birthday weekend in Richmond. Safety is not a huge concern for me, I don't bring attention to myself at shows and security is always present at venues big and small. No one messes with me regardless. I would just need to find a spot to chill during the show, preferably tucked away in the corner with a good view of the stage. It's so incredibly difficult getting his attention, and I usually respond right away when he's there because I want to talk to him as much as I can before he disappears again. It feels almost degrading, the desperation I feel. To cherish what little spare time he has for me and whoever else is in his DMs. I would feel worse if he wasn't so bad at checking messages period. I'm still attracted to him, and I hope he still feels the same.
But in other news, today the siege on our city is shifting in our favor. Widespread civil disobedience is going to get us through this, and this time a nationwide strike has been called for this Friday. The border czar in charge of the siege, Greg Bovino, has not only been kicked out of the state but also effectively fired. Word is that DHS secretary, Kristi Noem, is up next. The administration has realized ICE's monstrous activities in our state have effectively cost them the midterm elections, and they won't win even by a margin. Many are saying we won't even have midterm elections with how bad things have gotten here, and I'm wondering how long until the full scale riots begin. It also occurred to me, some time last night, that my father hasn't reached out to see if I'm okay. The same thing happened when Floyd was murdered, I didn't know the precinct was burning to the ground until a college friend asked me if I was alright. My father also didn't wish me a happy birthday a few weeks ago. I was in the Chicago airport during my layover when my mom called and asked if I had heard from him.
When I told her no, she said he told her he was gonna call me. He never did. I unfriended him on Facebook last summer, I don't think he noticed. I don't think he will ever. I did check his Facebook the other day to see if he posted anything related to my birthday or what's been happening in my state. Nothing on both fronts. It doesn't bother me honestly, I genuinely feel nothing about this. As I've grown older, I've looked back at the memories I have with him and realized he was dealt a shit card in life and didn't have a good role model to be a good father. His own father was absent and not involved in his life, a cycle he repeated with me. My mom must feel like it's pulling teeth just to get me to keep in touch with him. But I just don't care to. As awful as this sounds, it feels like I never had a father. My mom pulled double duty after the divorce and took on both roles while he was out free, dating various women I was inevitably introduced to.
I'm nice and cordial with him whenever he does message me, but I'm not putting in effort that he isn't matching. I once sent him a link to the trailer for the new Superman movie and he didn't seem all to talk much afterwards. I realize he must not know how to talk to me, but I don't see that as my fault. I don't know how to talk to him either, largely because I've seen him differently now. I'm not sure it matters now. If things change for the better, great. If not, it is what it is. In other news, I'm hoping to aid in community efforts in the capital this coming weekend with friends. Screen-printing, supporting local businesses, whatever can be done. There are growing calls for a general strike this coming Friday. Theres a screen-printing event happening that same day in the afternoon, and I'm hoping my local friends will be willing to come with me. I was scared out of my mind going to the last one, but after seeing the turnout and how everything was safe, I feel marginally better about going to this one. I guess my next update will be next month, maybe after I come back from the east coast. We'll see. Until then.
-T.L.S.
February 6th, 2026
Am I making a mistake?
That's all I've been able to ask myself today.
I've spent the past month stressed, overwhelmed and lonely. And today it has only been worse. I've genuinely had chest pain since I got out of bed this afternoon, I feel it with every breath I take, every flex of my lungs. I still haven't heard from my crush, and at this point I should just give up messaging him and catch him at his show after next week. I think paranoia from having discovered internet friends had passed away after noticing they hadn't been active in a while has made me obsessively check his IG and his bands' IG pages for any updates from him. It's become almost ritualistic, I'll wake up and look through the IG pages where I know he's involved. His bands, the collective DIY record label that I'm suspecting he helps run out of his city, even the pages of his live line-up members. His last story update was late last week, a selfie. He has a new tattoo, a line of text in the language he created going horizontally across one of his cheekbones. The record label is where I saw the story update. It was a picture of him with his live line-up. A young woman was with them, and she was pretty.
It wasn't until hours later that I saw that she was part of the live line-up as well, when they shared a video of what looked like a rehearsal they did somewhere, and I could just make her out holding and playing an instrument. It looks like she's playing bass. And the body language in the photo between everyone pictured was neutral. I'm starting to think he doesn't know how to pose for pictures since he typically has two poses he cycles through. He either has both his hands behind his back like he's been hand-cuffed, or he has his hands in the front pocket of whatever hoodie he's wearing. She was standing to the far left, body posture a little awkward. Only one person between them. Out of six members, she's the only woman, and she looked really shy in the picture. But knowing she's a live member, she'll be at every live show they play for this tour (which is only 5 dates).
It's one of those situations where your mind assumes the worst, runs rampant, and your imagination does the rest of the work. I've been thinking that my crush and her became a thing at some point over the past couple months, and that's the real reason why I haven't heard from him. He's no longer interested in me, and he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. The worst part is, he doesn't even know how I feel about him. He hasn't been around long enough for me to tell him that I like talking to him and want to hear from him more. I have this image of him in my head as being suave and smooth, and that's likely not the case if he's as neurodivergent as I'm suspecting he is. He's said before in interviews that he isn't one to approach people for anything at all, and he never "developed socially". It's possible he might act differently if he sees me in person, since we have established history and mutual attraction. I told Frank that I saw something this afternoon that "made me sick", but didn't elaborate on what it was (he blessedly did not ask for elaboration) and said I would "likely be a nervous wreck for much of the day". It's nighttime now. The nervousness has all but gone away, but the chest pain is persistent and I'm starting to feel like I'm entirely too autistic/neurodivergent for any of this. Hence my repeated question to myself, am I making a mistake?
I now don't know what to expect during my trip, let alone the show. I've since learned Frank wants us to have dinner before the show, and he implied he'll be there too. I'll ask him for confirmation later, but him being there with me would be a huge relief and make me feel secure. But my mind is betraying me by making me think the worst. What if my plan to catch him by surprise backfires, and I'm the one caught by surprise? What if I see something or find something out that hurts me? What if he isn't excited or even happy to see me like he implied he would be a few months ago? Have I overestimated my importance, whatever role I have in his life? Have I overestimated his interest? Has something changed? Has he forgotten about me? Does he even care? Did he ever? Does he still like hearing from me? Did I ever have a chance? He probably won't even recognize me or know who I am if he sees me there. I've been going over happier scenarios, where he's surprised in the best way possible and really happy that I'm there. He gives me a big hug, maybe even picks me up and twirls me around. I probably won't know how he feels until I get there, I've given up hearing from him at all beforehand. There's a chance I'll hear from him in the nearly two week gap between the third and fourth show on his tour, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't know what (if anything) he'll be doing during that time and I'll be traveling toward the end of that time frame. I have yet to pack a single item, something I'm reserving for either tomorrow or next week. My travel bag has been sitting on the floor of my closet for a month, and I only just moved it to my room next to my bookshelf.
I've been having lucid moments here and there where I realize I'm overthinking to Hell and back, that I would sound insane for it if I shared this with anyone. That I shouldn't let this determine my self-worth or dictate how I move in certain spaces. That none of this is my fault because I did nothing wrong. I remember my therapist telling me years ago not to trust or believe everything or anything I see on social media. But they don't last. It's gotten so bad, I noticed that sometime today or yesterday, he deleted one of his IG posts. With over 2,000 of them, I have no way of knowing which one it was. While I may be curious about what compelled him to go through his posts and delete (or archive) something, I'm not obsessive to the point where I'm going through his posts and memorizing each one. I'm autistic, traumatized and insane, but not that far gone. I've already started planning what I call "exit strategies", what I'm going to do if things with my crush go south and I end up being devastated by it. I've already bought all the albums for the band he's currently touring with. I'll have to hide them, potentially erase the reviews I wrote for them since Bandcamp doesn't issue refunds. I may never listen to them again. I may never listen to any of his music again, for that matter. Which means scrubbing my Last.fm history of all traces of him. Any reminder of him would hurt too much. I already feel a swell of emotion listening to his music. Not only is it that good, but knowing I've known him for so long makes it incredibly special. Two of the albums he's released in recent years have a woman on the cover, facing away from the camera. Another has a blurry photo of what looks to be the same person at night, facing forward this time. A bright light behind them obscures their features. I believe this is his ex. I haven't brought myself to listen to either of the albums, despite the accolades people shower them with. It feels weird, knowing this is someone he cared about enough to make music in inspiration of and probably doesn't speak to anymore. I dare not ask him about it either, in case it brings back bad memories for him. Would he ever do something like that for me?
I would also have to erase the previous entries I made here, where I talked about him. No one is reading this besides me anyway, so it would be of little consequence. Protecting myself would be a top priority in this scenario. Some of my friends know I'm crushing on someone, but most don't know who he is. My best friend Raine is the only person I've shown his IG to, and Frank knows his name. I told my ex about him (without sharing his name), and I even showed him his music. My ex really liked both of the projects I showed him, but he's been distant lately and we haven't been speaking as much as we did before. I'm assuming he's been caught up with life and other personal things. In hindsight, maybe having a partner that was almost always available and in touch with me spoiled me, and I expect that level of availability from whoever I talk to as well. But people make time for the things they want, and I must not be that important to my crush, especially since I'm not there with him. I think, more than anything, I want to see if there's something there aside from the attraction we both have. I have to imagine that he likes something about me besides my physical appearance to want to be in contact with me in the first place. I find myself awkward, weird, hard to read and relate to... but he clearly likes something about me to have stuck around for this long, to have remembered me after all this time. It would be a simultaneous relief and embarrassment to learn I've been hallucinating all the worst case scenarios I've been thinking. I'm hopeful that's the case, anyway. These are all the rambling hallucinations of someone too traumatized to see things clearly.
In the meantime, I'm bracing for a potentially long upcoming week. The one week span after Alex Pretti was murdered in the capital city feels like a lifetime passed. Now, at the two week mark, it feels like an eternity has gone by. It doesn't feel real, time going this fast. But it will pass anyway, regardless of what happens. As such, I'm getting my hair braided this coming Tuesday and I want to try different colors than the black and natural dark I typically go for. I also want a shorter style this time, I look great with long braids but they're such a hassle. Long hair in general can be a hassle no matter the texture or style, and I don't blame my crush for chopping his off a long time ago. It might be worth sending him pictures of my new hair style to see if he sees them. Then he might recognize me when he sees me in person. Perhaps that's wishful thinking, since he seems to have forgotten about me completely. I don't know how long I can keep messaging him because every time I do and get no response, I feel even more annoying and desperate. I also feel awkward, like I'm talking to a wall that chooses when it wants to respond. At least there's no maliciousness attached to the silence. I just wish the silence wasn't there at all. I try to think of what all goes into planning a tour. Arranging transit, lodging, logistical work that I could do in my sleep. Add to that performing double duty for five days across five cities. This might be the first time he's able to tour at all, and considering this is all his music, he must be pulled into multiple directions at the same time. I also try to think of what my other touring musician friends do with their spare time, some have gotten back to me when I message them and others took a while. Perhaps this is normal. If it is, I don't like it haha.
I have no frame of reference for any of this. I don't know what's normal and what isn't. My only frame of reference for anything social has always been social media. And we all know it doesn't represent real, in person human interaction. That the way people present themselves on social media can be totally different to how they are in real life. And we all know how detrimental it's been for people's mental health. Especially lonely people like me. So where does that leave me? Alone with my thoughts, day and night, thinking myself into awful moods and wishing things were different. Lately, my thoughts have been even worse. What if something happened to me? Would he ever find out? Would he care? Would he regret not having spent more time talking to me when he could have? It's heartbreaking that I've spent so much time thinking of him when he's probably only done the same of me when he's in the mood, or during his monthly DM check. I see comments on his IG posts from people begging him to respond to them, and it relieves me somewhat to know I'm not the only one he doesn't respond to. It means he isn't purposely ignoring me for whatever reason. I can't imagine what or how much he's missed from being so absent on social media, but the absence is a good thing sometimes. I think my chest hurts from how long it's been since I've been this nervous and anxious for an extended period of time. I'm in a position in life where anxiety attacks have largely become a thing of the past, although I still get nervous about various things. This situation, combined with everything else in my state and family issues, has had my anxiety/nervousness at a 10. I have no doubt I'll be a nervous wreck when I get there, and while I'm at the show too. Maybe Frank will be down for some pre-gaming before the show.
Am I making a mistake? I hope not. I really, really, really hope not. The embarrassment I would feel would probably destroy me on a fundamental level, especially surrounded by people I don't know. In the event that happens, I try to find a silver lining. I can already plan on what to do, but I feel that going over exit strategies would only work myself up more. For now, it's enough to know he's alive and he's okay. And despite how long it's been since we spoke, and my feelings taking a turn for the worse, I still find myself fantasizing about him every night. I don't want to think about him being involved with anyone, which doesn't sound likely the more I think of it anyway. With how busy he is and how much he's involved in, he likely doesn't have time to fool around with anyone. I remember him joking with me months ago about "what no pussy does to a mf", and looking back, I imagine it's been a while since he's been with anyone, especially since he became more involved in his local scene. Maybe that's where I come in. He's been attracted to me for a while, and since we reconnected I've given him fuel for his fantasies. It isn't something I can fault him for, since he's done the same for me. But I want what we had before, the conversations and dialogue. I want to get to know him, the new him, now that we've matured from our wild child days of 2017. Now I'm even more curious about how he'll react when he sees me in person. Maybe telling him in advance will be giving him too much of a heads up, although it would be helpful since he's active in his city's scene, and many of his friends and bandmates will likely be there.
These ramblings sound insane in hindsight. I'm gonna look back at these and either laugh or delete them out of shame. I am banking on the former. For now, I have albums to listen to and review, and things to pack. I'll update again once I've returned from the east coast in about two weeks' time.
-T.L.S.
February 21st, 2026
I came back from my trip this afternoon, relieved beyond belief that I did NOT make a mistake. I feel so at ease now, I feel free. And I have a new perspective on things with my crush.
Tuesday started out as a clusterfuck. I had a connecting flight out west before heading east, departing at 10:20 AM, and my first departing flight was delayed by over 2 hours. I didn't find out about the delay until my Uber driver was pulling up to my house. I also found out through the Uber app of all places, my airline didn't text me until hours later. The delay initially set my arrival to the east coast at just after 10:30 PM. Right around when the Chinese new year party Frank invited me to would be ending. I texted him the bad news on my way to the airport, after finding out from him exactly when the party would be winding down. He was sympathetic for me, knowing how much I had been anticipating and looking forward to the party, and wanted to make it up to me at some point. I'll admit I was feeling somewhat disappointed, but what mattered the most was making it to the east coast within the same day and not being stranded on the other side of the country.
I'd just walked into my city's airport when I pull out my phone to get my flight's confirmation code. I see an Instagram notification, and to my surprise it's multiple notifications from my crush. Of all times for him to check his messages... it happened to be the morning I fly out to see him perform live. He saw them all, and finally found out I was coming, after I spent the past month and a half worrying he wouldn't and that I was making a mistake, that I would embarass myself trying to surprise him at the show. I was so elated to have been wrong about that, over the moon even. The delayed flight was quickly forgotten. It didn't matter that I was about to spend 4 hours at my city's airport, due to poor weather conditions in the west delaying my connecting flight. My spirits were immediately lifted. The decision to fly out was worth it in a matter of seconds. I didn't know I was about to have mini heart attacks because of my airline's app constantly changing and updating the departure time of my connecting flight. And I didn't know that I would actually make it to the city by 9 PM, with enough time to spend two hours at Frank's friend's place. All I knew was I was finally going to see him, and hopefully spend time with him.
It was cold when I landed. Not as cold as up north, where I had just come from, but cold enough that I could see my breath. I left the house that morning in only a t-shirt underneath a pullover hoodie. I figured that would be enough, and that the place I rented would compensate for the cold. I was partially incorrect. I booked a "basement apartment" on Vrbo, a two-person unit that was a 10 minute walk from the venue where my crush was performing. The bedroom - along with having a larger than normal spider in the corner as soon as I walked in - had a personal A/C unit attached to a vent that was hooked up to one of the only two windows in the unit. And because of how it was set up, the window was partially open and let in a considerable draft. I didn't see a way to remove the vent, and I didn't ask, despite the host reaching out to me and urging me to let him know if there were any questions or concerns I had. It rained for two days during my stay and none of it got inside, but the rest of the unit was substantially cold, and it was the worst in the bedroom. And it was the paralyzing kind of cold, where you don't want to move too much. I was in a blessedly quiet area of the city, traffic in the downtown area isn't for the weak. But the places I wanted to check out didn't open until the late afternoon, when it started to get colder. And with how cold I already felt inside, I was more comfortable staying indoors and bundling up for warmth.
At first I thought it was weird spending so much time inside when I could have been exploring the city, even though I'd been here twice before now. But I realized in that moment that I booked this place months in advance and paid for it in full, and because of that, I could use the space however I saw fit AND as long as it was within the host's rules. I spent hours curled up on the couch in a thick throw that I found across the bed, watching the videos that had been sitting in my YouTube watch list for months. I caught up on a lot of content I couldn't bring myself to watch alone in my room back home. I remember jokingly telling my friends that even if I don't end up seeing my crush, I could larp as a homeowner for a few days and enjoy the peace and quiet way from my family. I think traveling independently has told me I can only handle being around them in small doses. And truthfully, it was really nice having a space to myself for almost a whole week. Especially in a quieter part of the city. I was also worried that I would be a burden on my buddies whom I was hanging out with. They both work full time and were exhausted at the end of the day, but they were more than happy to hang out with me. I only see them once a year for the annual music festival in their city, and they saw my visit as a special occasion.
Crush was also stoked that I flew out to see him and the show. He wanted to spend the night on Wednesday, but was caught up with his friends and never got back to me. Then he tells me he thinks he might have time Thursday, but I wasn't holding my breath. He still wasn't checking his messages as often, and I was starting to lose out hope of us hanging out before the show and resolved to just see him at the show. Then after midnight on Friday he messaged me and asked me what time I've been waking up since I got here, because he was looking for a window of time for us to hang out. As it turns out, he would be busy doing a bunch of things before the show and said that we wouldn't have time to hang out any other time before OR afterwards, but he was free the night he was messaging me. Looking back on it now, it feels like fate. He managed to catch me when I was still awake. I had given up hearing from him before Friday's show, already showered and was in bed trying (and failing) to sleep, tossing and turning in a mercilessly cold room. The prospect of seeing him even for a little bit and even this late at night was too strong to resist. And wasn't this the reason I flew out here anyway, especially days before the show? I didn't want the chance to slip away from me. So I gave him my address. He had a car, my place was 10 minutes away from where he lived, it had free street parking, and I couldn't sleep. I had newfound energy as I got out of bed, turned on the lamp next to me and dressed into a warmer bra and shirt, my hoodie going over it. The cockroach on the bathroom mat in front of the sink hardly registered to me, as did its hiding place underneath the sink.
Given how I've been feeling about him these past few months, I thought I would be a nervous wreck. It was nearly 2 AM, and I was going to be seeing him in person again for the first time in nearly 2 years. I was insanely attracted to him and I wanted to get to know him better. But standing outside and looking for him when he told me he was here, I was so calm. Giddy, even, but in a controlled way. It felt like I was meeting an old friend I hadn't seen in years... because that's exactly what it was. My stomach may have fluttered a little, but I felt at ease. I felt that things were alright. And maybe it was because his excitement to knowing I was coming reassured me that he still liked me on some level. Enough to be that excited and happy to see me. I remember barely even feeling cold, despite the lingering drizzles in the air and how late it was. And when I turned around and saw him down the sidewalk wearing his distinct red beanie, I felt so comfortable in that moment. I wasn't a shaky mess, I didn't stutter my words when I spoke to him. It felt... natural. It didn't occur to me until later that the part of the city I was in was so safe, I had no problem walking up and down a sidewalk by myself at 2 AM. No one else was around by the time I saw him. In that moment, it was just us two on the sidewalk. In the whole city.
I led him to my place, led him inside, and he told me he would have to leave by 9 or 9:30 AM, depending on when someone he worked with woke up. After we settled inside, we gave each other a big hug around the shoulders. And the conversations began. He complimented my braids, the hoodie I wore. We talked about music, the one thing that brought us together all those years ago. We talked about ourselves. I asked him about the gorgeous tattoos he has all over his body, the meaning of some of them, and he was so comfortable he had no problem stripping down to his boxers right then and there to show me all of them. Most of them didn't have meaning, they were random things and aesthetics he enjoyed. Others were written in the languages he created, he told me what some of them meant but kept others a secret. "Classifieds", he liked to call them. I showed him my tattoos, on my arm and thigh. I showed him music on my phone, the pictures I took of the CD I bought of his latest album, from the label he works for. He was excited when he saw the CD picture, even more excited when he saw I had several of his songs saved on my phone. He almost immediately had his hands on me. It was gradual at first. He would lean his forearm on my leg when I sat next to him and he wanted to show me something on his phone. He put his phone away and swapped his forearm with both of his hands, which I was immediately drawn to. The pronounced veins and the strength of them radiating through my clothes. I could physically feel the skill and talent that ran through them. Those same hands treated my thigh like a drum set and rubbed it up and down, stroking me like I was a cat. He loved the sweatpants I was wearing, how soft and cozy they were. Earlier, a friend put a small white bowtie clip in his hair that he forgot about, which looked adorable on him. His dark hair was so soft, and growing out nicely as it framed his face and touched his shoulders. In turn I stroked his back and bicep, apologizing for how cold my hands were. He felt like he had a furnace underneath his skin, and I was reminded of when he told me he was always warm. He said there was nothing to be sorry for, and the cold contrast to his hot skin actually felt nice.
I warned him about how cold the bedroom was before he got here, and may have made a passing mention about it, because he wanted to see for himself why it was so cold. After showing him the window, he made himself comfortable in the bed, settling under the covers. I knew what this meant. We were likely going to spend the night cuddling, maybe even doing other things. But still, I wasn't uncomfortable. I wasn't even nervous. He laid down first. I brought him the shirt, pants and phone he left in the living room, I turned off the lights in the main room, came back and closed the bedroom door, locking it behind me. I laid down next to him, his hands immediately back on me. He continued rubbing me until I offered to show him my underwear, which he then eagerly helped me out of my sweatpants. I was so grateful I chose to pack and wear my sole pair of Victoria's Secret boyshorts that night, a pair I've had since my undergrad in college. He loved how they looked on me, couldn't stop gushing about how soft and silky smooth my skin was, knew for a fact I had a whole post-shower skincare routine. At some point, he positioned himself sideways and placed his groin against my ass, and I draped my legs over his hip. He took my right leg, bent at the knee, and quite literally hugged it to his chest as he rubbed it and my other leg, every so often playfully pretending he was going to bite it. I absent-mindedly played with his growing hair and rubbed his face affectionately. I remember staring at his lips more than once, hoping we would kiss. We still talked the whole time, about whatever came up. I even mentioned his lack of enthusiasm when he found out I was going to be at his show in my city the last time we saw each other, which he admitted was due to going through a bad break up at the time. That post he archived on IG? It was a selfie he took last summer, I tried looking for it and couldn't find it and he confirmed he archived it. It didn't fit his aesthetic anymore, he said. He asked me about being a vocalist for singing, and I told him I've always thought about it but never tried it. He said he could see me as a vocalist for a hardcore band, that heavier genres sound better with a woman singing. Things I'm still thinking about hours later.
I could physically feel his erection as we were laying together. He gradually moved his hand from my legs to what was between them, and started rubbing me through my panties with his thumb. It felt amazing, and I would tell him every time he moved that what he was doing to me felt really nice. I took his right hand and studied his fingertips, wondering aloud if they had calloused over long ago, which he immediately confirmed. He showed me the wounds he got on his hands and fingers from playing instruments day in and day out, drums and guitar specifically. I intertwined my fingers with his, a motion he returned instantly. It took me a while to realize he had been rubbing me consistently for several minutes without pause. I asked him if his hand was sore and he said "girl, I play guitar all day". I was wet before I knew it. Every now and then he would pull my panties to the side and feel how wet I was inside of them. I loved every moment of it. As it turns out, I underestimated how good his memory actually was. Months before, I told him about a dream I had where we were having sex and he grabbed my jaw. He asked me immediately if I liked the jaw grabbing and if it turned me on, and I said it would turn me on if he did it. His hand wandered away from between my legs to rub my chest, it came to rest near my neck, and then he gently grabbed my jaw and held it. My heart skipped a beat. Of course he would remember that. He would mention every so often how insanely turned on he was, like just exploring my body and grinding against me while we're both partially clothed was enough to get him going.
The night only got better after that. He ate me out after asking me if I wanted it, and I learned he was never lying about how good he was at it when he told me all those years ago. He said he loved giving head, and it turns out I love receiving it from him. He didn't care about my pubes, and I was glad I made a point to trim them almost completely down before I left. He kissed my inner thigh twice when he was done, my legs shaking with exertion. He also asked if he could penetrate me, but I was still a little nervous. Not scared, but I wasn't completely wet and neither of us had protection. I've been on a daily birth control pill for 7 years now, so pregnancy should be significantly difficult. I didn't want to take any chances and I still don't, but it was insanely hot to me that he wanted to put it in raw. It's what I've been thinking of too. He didn't pressure me or make me feel uncomfortable when I declined, and was content to keep grinding against me and exploring my body. Then he started kissing my neck, first on the right side, then switching to the left. For some odd reason, the left side of my neck is INSANELY sensitive. He had stubble on his face and a lip ring, so when he kissed me there my body immediately reacted. I was arching my back, clinging to his arms and shoulders, gasping and moaning quietly so the people upstairs didn't hear me. I would have been grinding against him had our bodies been flush against each other. He loved my reactions, loved how I sounded.
We changed positions when he wanted to spoon, me lying on my left side with him behind me. Seeing my ass from the back did something to him, he became obsessed. He couldn't stop telling me how nice it was, and even made a point to pull the rest of my boyshorts up between my cheeks to get a better view of the rest of it. It felt like he was giving me a gentle wedgie. I looked back at him once, and I won't forget the look on his face. His mouth was hanging open as he was touching me, admiring me in real time. He kept gasping and moaning and saying "oh my god" under his breath over and over again. I wasn't even touching him. He said my ass was way better in person, and I SWORE I felt him kiss the back of my shoulder through my shirt. He reached around to rub my clit, and found a rhythm that made me grip the mattress and grind backwards against him. It was hard to stay quiet. I remember lifting my right leg to give him better access, and after a moment he said "okay this position is like, too sexy", which made me giggle. Afterwards, he laid flat on his back and I laid next to him. I don't know how I managed this, but I was able to initiate sex for the very first time willingly. He doesn't know he's the first and only person I've ever been able to do this to and with. I can't even remember how it started. It might have been a playful gesture near his staining boxers - he had been showing me how much he had been leaking precum - and before I knew it, my hand was sliding underneath them and he pulled them down further to expose his dick.
I felt his pubes first, realizing from what his more recent dick pics looked like that he sent me that he hadn't shaved them. He mentioned not having kept up with hair trimming due to how busy he'd been. At my insistence, he took my hand and guided me to his dick, wrapping my fingers around it and starting a rhythm for me. It took no effort for me to start stroking him, squeezing hard as I rubbed up and down. I was even dirty talking him, seductively asking if that was how he liked it. He gave me a small, breathy "yeah" as a response. Prior to this, he said he hadn't jacked off since Tuesday, which happened to be the day he finally saw my messages. I kissed his jawline and his neck all the way down to his shoulder, his moaning and gasping filling my ear the whole way. Then he did something that's been replaying in my head ever since I got back home. I don't remember where I was looking, maybe down at his dick that I was massaging in my hand. Out of nowhere he takes my jaw in his right hand, guides my face to his, and kisses me once. I could have burst right then and there. I expected him to kiss me more and I wanted more, but I think he was so lost in the pleasure I was giving him, he couldn't focus. It took him less than a minute to cum, and I remember telling him what a good job he did as he was finishing. Some of it got on my hand, which I had no problem licking off, looking at him as I did so. He checked his phone - it was close to 5 AM at this point - and suggested we both take a nap. I went to lay down on top of him, despite the semen on his belly that my shirt soaked up immediately, his arms immediately going around me.
We both fell into a peaceful sleep afterwards, although mine wasn't as peaceful as his. The people who lived upstairs, a group of young women, got up a couple hours later and started making a racket I was surprised didn't wake him up. I had needed to pee for several hours before this all happened, but didn't want the moment to end by leaving even temporarily, so by the time we were falling asleep my bladder was sore. And he coughed somewhat violently a few times while he slept, I wasn't sure if he was okay but he settled eventually. I fell asleep somehow, because I woke up to him stirring and rising. He sat up on his knees and checked his phone, groggily saying he needed to get his day started. I rubbed his knee, which felt hot to the touch. He got out of bed, put his clothes back on, and leaned over to hug me before he left. He told me to 'sleep a little more' since I was still tired, and I told him I would see him at the show later. I heard him leave, and immediately lamented the loss of his extremely warm body in my bed. I stayed in bed and managed to sleep a few more hours before my swollen and sore bladder forced me to get up.
The rest of the day was a blur up until the show, but I felt so lighthearted, so fulfilled, so good. Frank ended up running late, but I didn't mind. We weren't going to miss the headlining bands at least. I booked the apartment because of how close it was to the venue, with the intent of walking there by myself. But it was so cold and wet and rainy by the time the doors opened for the show, that I was more than okay waiting for Frank inside what little warmth was in the apartment. Frank had no problem picking me up from the place either, which worked out really well. Frank even said it was a shame I couldn't explore the area more, until I pointed out that I was going to be back in May for a full week. We got in by the end of the second opener's set, my ears immediately assaulted by how oppresively loud it was, and my crush was the first person I saw. He was standing maybe 10 feet away from the door on the edge of the crowd, watching the band perform. He hadn't seen me come in. It took me a moment to show my ticket, my ID, rush to put everything back in my bag and get my ear plugs into my ears, regretting not doing so when Frank did while we were still outside. Frank walked off to a spot behind him to get a better view, and before I joined him, I tapped my crush on the shoulder and waved at him. He immediately pulled me in for a hug, and through the loud music I heard him say "finally!" with a huge grin, like he had been waiting for me all night. I once again felt validated in being there.
Right before his band performed, which was the last one of the night, I had the insane luck of getting a spot right up front. Frank and another friend I met at the show, Roan, joined me there. Another moment I've been replaying in my head was the moment he saw me from the stage. He was on my left, tuning his guitar, when I happened to look over and catch him staring at me. I think he had just recognized me, because after our eyes meet he smiled and waved at me. I returned the gesture, giving him the devil horns which he enthusiastically returned. The show ended, I managed to get a coveted photo with him, we talked for an additional ten minutes. He then lets me go join Frank for dinner at a late-night Korean spot down the block, I give him one last hug, he follows me out the door to join the rest of his crew. I tell him I'll message him on IG later, he says he'll try and be more on top of checking his messages. I find Frank standing by the wall on his phone, tell him I'm ready, and right before we round the corner out of sight, I look over my shoulder one last time. My crush is with his band mates, standing in front of and talking to the bassist I worried about in a previous update. He told me inside her name was Marla, that she was a friend, that he had been complaining to her so much about the songs they performed. As I'm turning back around, I swear I see him start to turn my way. But I didn't look back again. Frank and I leave to have dinner at a place just down the street that's open late, he brings me back to the apartment afterwards, seeing me off and giving me a big hug. Once inside, I shower, pack half of what I need to and catch a few hours sleep. I wake up this morning, pack the remainder of my belongings, get an Uber to the airport, and I'm home in the blink of an eye.
This honestly went way better than I could have expected. I've been retroactively psychoanalyzing how he reacted to certain things I said and did. He was certainly as touchy as he claimed to be, but he wasn't as romantic as I thought he would be. And there were some things he barely or didn't react to, like when I rubbed his knee after he woke up and stroked his face while we cuddled. Even when I showed him the message I sent him on Facebook, he seemed to skim through it and didn't acknowledge how heartfelt it was. I mentioned where I was for my birthday last month and there was no belated happy birthday from him. I mentioned the same thing to one of my best friends, he told me happy birthday immediately. I wondered if he was being impersonal or didn't think to say anything in that moment, until I remembered how socially isolated he was growing up (and still claims to be, although now on a much smaller scale). How he never learned how to approach and talk to people in social settings. As we were sitting on the couch of the apartment, he told me that living in the city has been the first time in his life where he feels like he finally has friends. He playfully told me last year that he was finally having a social life after I asked why he was getting hammered as often as he said he was. No matter how comfortable he may be with me, it seems he's still learning how to socialize on some level. Or... he might not have any interest in me like that, in something more between us. He's being as realistic as I should be, and doesn't see this as anything other than having fun. And for all I know, he doesn't want a relationship, not just for the practical reasons of being insanely busy, but for personal reasons too. Maybe the bad break up he had a few years ago was traumatic for him, and he wants to stay single. Much like what happened with me when I came back from Greece. I asked him the things I had wanted to know for a while now. Does it feel like we're getting to know each other all over again? "Yeah, 2017 me was a completely different person and I would never talk that way again, I'd honestly be so embarassed if those messages got leaked." Are your friends and band mates here good to you? "Yeah they're great, it feels like I finally have friends here and I can have a social life." So I don't need to have a talk with anyone here? "Haha no, I'll let you know though." He reassured me in the beginning that even though he doesn't want to look at his phone a lot and check messages, he was there with me now, and that he was quite responsive in person. He even said he was glad I kept messaging him, because I "keep it [our chat and conversations] alive", and reassured me that I wasn't being annoying when I sent him a lot of stuff.
I also learned he's somewhat reckless, and impatient. His impatience might explain why he skimmed through my Facebook message, but he only seems impatient in certain scenarios. He isn't impatient with his live line-up when teaching them his songs to play, as he told me himself. And he wasn't impatient with me last night either. I didn't feel rushed, pressured, uncomfortable. But he told me he speeds a lot when he drives, as in "if the speed limit is 50, I'm doing 80" (an actual quote from him, I honestly couldn't tell if he was joking or if this is something he's actually done before). When I asked why he was flying down the road, all he told me was that he didn't have time (presumably to spend driving safely?!) and that traffic cameras have caught him and sent him tickets in the mail as opposed to getting pulled over. I'm not entirely sure where my feelings are for him now. I do still like him, but it's nowhere near as intense as it had been the past two months. Knowing he feels that we're getting to know each other all over again, and that this is something he seems to want as much as I do makes me feel a lot better. But he's clearly not committed to keeping in touch through messaging consistently, so the only way for us to get to do so would be in person. He lives on the east coast, and is starting to tour all over the country. I'm in the midwest, living my own life. How often would we see each other? Music is his passion, his life's work. Performing live is something he's always wanted to do and it's finally come together for him. He won't give that up for anything and I don't expect him to. But he doesn't seem to want to make time for anything or anyone else aside from that. I shouldn't be upset about this, but it stings a lot seeing him like posts from his in person friends on IG whenever they tag him. In those moments, he's clearly choosing who to respond to, but at the same time, people act different on social media than they do in person. Realistically I knew nothing would work, but I would love to keep in touch with him more often. If anything, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all the people who live near and around him, who get to see him in person, talk to him, spend time with him doing anything. I wish that could be me. I wish I could be one of them. Granted, he barely had time for me while I was there, and likely doesn't feel intensely about me, but still.
I told him I would be back in May, the 17th to be specific. I ended up being off on the date by one day, but I'll be there for a whole week nonetheless. He said he didn't know what May would look like for him yet, but there should be at least one day for us to hang out during that time. I then find out later that he's going on tour again starting May 22nd, which would be while I was there for the music festival happening in his city. Which... works out, honestly. While I'm glad I decided to get there days before the festival started, I'm hoping he stays put in the city before he has to leave for his tour, which starts in NYC. In the meantime, I'm keeping my eye out for any shows he has coming up local to his area where I can potentially see him. I was right about him being tireless. He has an unlimited supply of energy... as evidenced by how long we stayed up last night, and how energetic he was after his show on little sleep. If we can repeat that in May... I've already started looking at panties and toys to buy and bring with me for next time. One of my good friends told me not to take what's going on seriously, to just have fun. But I've never had fun like this. I've never had what people call a "hoe phase" before. I've never been in a friends with benefits situation, nor have I ever just fucked around with someone with no feelings attached. This is all new to me, how to navigate these feelings and how to process things. Being neurodivergent and more than likely autistic isn't helping either. I still don't know what he thinks of me or even how he feels about me, but it felt so good to see him smiling down at me from the stage when he noticed me, hearing him say "finally!" when I got to the venue like he had been waiting for me to get there all night. All the questions he asked me about my thoughts on his music, himself, the show. He wouldn't ask if he didn't care. Maybe he's figuring out how he feels about me too. Maybe we'll have more meaningful conversations in the coming months. I won't hold my breath, but we'll see. I'm still under the impression that I intimidate him somewhat, or make him nervous. Maybe who I am now is new to him too, and he's learning how to talk to me all over again.
Once again, I sound insane. Typing out all these paragraphs about someone who likely doesn't give me a passing thought unless I'm in front of him, or when he wakes up in the middle of the night in the mood. But my overthinking needs to go somewhere, it will destroy me otherwise. I don't have anywhere or anyone else to share these thoughts with. The friends I've confided in know enough... and it feels nice knowing no one is reading this except me. I don't know how to get over this without distracting myself with something. Anything. But I'm not sure what. In the meantime, I have some packing and preparations to do. Time really slipped away from me this month. It wasn't until a few hours ago that I realized I was going back to Greece NEXT THURSDAY!!! I haven't packed a single thing either, aside from putting a few clothes aside. Blessedly, I have the rest of this week and a bit of next week to do so. This update was much longer than any of the others, so I anticipate my next update will be when I've come back from Greece. Hopefully then, I'll start to feel normal about things. Maybe the vacation will give me some much needed respite from all of this. Myabe revamping the look of this site for when I finally share it with close friends will help too. Or maybe in the meantime I should continue writing chapter 9....
Until next time,
-T.L.S.
March 20th, 2026
I've been tired ever since I woke up this morning. It's been nearly a month since my last update. This month has gone by surprisingly fast, which is funny considering I never went to the Greece trip I talked about last month.
Yeah I know, it's surprising. I had been looking forward to it somewhat, and it ended up not happening. My best friend has a cat approaching 13 years old who had been showing signs of illness back in January, but it progressed rapidly last month shortly after I came back from seeing my crush. Her cat was now completely blind and needed help finding her food and litter box around the house. She took her to the vet and she was diagnosed with Lymphoma cancer, and given a six month prognosis. Treatment plans were available, which my friend readily agreed to. But they were far from cheap. And as painful as it was for her, her cat's health was more important. She messaged me with the news and told me she would be canceling everything to focus her finances on her cat. I understood immediately and did the same thing. I wasn't upset in the slightest. We were going for a music festival with a lineup that didn't excite me. I've been to Greece twice before and wouldn't have seen anything I hadn't before, aside from the Acropolis and Pantheon ruins. But in that moment, it wasn't about me.
My best friend was super apologetic. She kept telling me how sorry she was and how aware she was that this was her idea for a girl's trip, how she convinced me to come along and that now we were both taking a significant financial hit. She had already booked the rental car, the hotel rooms, the flights and boat rides to the islands, all of that was nonrefundable. I myself only got a fraction of what I paid for my flight after I canceled. But she's more than willing to pay me back, something I have no intention of harassing her over. She already gave me what I paid for the island flights. I told her she can give me what was left whenever she had it, which she said would be the the 26th. I also reassured her multiple times that I wasn't upset, none of this was her fault and she didn't ask for this to happen.
We have another opportunity to travel to Europe this coming May, although it will depend on what her cat's condition will be by then. And since we haven't talked about those plans in particular, I consider them up in the air at this point. I've been planning trips of my own in the meantime. Solo trips and group trips. Going back to the east coast in May for a music festival. Proposed European trip would be the weekend after that. I'll be returning to Montana for the same festival I went to last summer. And if Europe doesn't happen in May, I'll be planning a solo trip to Ireland in October, right after I get back from another show on the east coast the same month. The same city my crush lives in. It's been a month since we spent that night together, and it's lived rent free in my head ever since.
It's also been a month since I heard from him. He's posted stories here and there, and every time I see a new picture of him my stomach dips and my heart rate spikes. He's still playing shows locally and within driving distance of where he lives on the east coast. It still stings seeing him hang out with his friends, knowing I'm not among them. I felt like such a creep earlier watching one of their stories to see if there were any updates on him. This one person is a vocalist for one of his bands that's touring and playing shows, and it nearly took the wind out of me seeing a screenshot of their chat with him where they sent him a picture and referenced one of his songs, the icon for an audio call that happened before the picture was sent barely visible above the message. The next slide was a picture of them posing next to a road sign for the state of Delaware. They're playing a show tonight not in Delaware, but on the way to the gig.
There was nothing bad about any of it, but I may have made a mistake letting myself get too attached too quickly. It tanked my mood. I'm sure the call was work related, but having that access to him... I need to get a grip and be realistic. I'm sure he doesn't talk about me to anyone at all, no matter how much I would love it. And I shouldn't be doing the same for him. It just sucks seeing other people get to talk to and spend time with him, even if it's for work. I try to remind myself to be realistic. When and how often would we see each other? He barely had time for me when I was there last month, and when I told him I was coming back in May he said we should be able to hang for at least one day, but he "didn't know what May looked like [for him] yet". It's obvious he doesn't have time for me and doesn't want to make time. At least, that's what it seems. Would that he would check his messages more often than once a month, we could get to know one another more. We may have history, but we're different people now. And I want to know the new him. As crazy as this sounds, I still think I intimidate him on some level. That whoever I am now makes him nervous. He seemed really hesitant to ask me certain things, like he didn't know how to word them and wasn't sure how I would respond.
Meanwhile, he doesn't mind all the stuff I send him. He saw my messages last Thursday. I've been ovulating this whole week, so almost everything I've sent him since then has been insanely horny. He definitely won't mind that. In a way, it's fun to tease him. I can just say whatever I want just to see how he'll respond. But I don't know how long we can keep this up until something changes. Will he even tell me if something changes? If he doesn't have time for me, does he have time for anyone outside of his music? It didn't seem likely then, and it doesn't seem likely now. Back in January, he and his live line up played live for a popular music station called KEXP. The footage was just uploaded yesterday to their social media pages, and their YouTube channel of over 3 million subscribers. The response was explosive. I saw more than one person I follow sharing the footage on IG, there were hundreds of comments on it. Saying how great it was that he was finally getting the recognition he deserved, how his band was about to "blow up" in popularity after all these years making so much amazing music.
The recognition and success is well-deserved. I told him as much, back at the end of 2022 before things really started to take off for him. But seeing it happen in real time honestly worries me. If he gets exceedingly famous, what will happen with us? How will this impact our friendship, our dynamic? Does he enjoy being single? I don't mind it... but I also like what we did last month. I want us to do it again and more, hopefully in May. Ugh, this is what happens when we don't talk. My malfunctioning, neurodivergent mind runs rampant with every thought and scenario under the sun, and ruins an otherwise good day. I've been trying to train it to take things as they come, not to worry about things that likely aren't even happening and to trust what he says. He doesn't seem to have a reason to lie to me. He even said he didn't like lying. Last month he said he was glad I messaged him a lot, because I kept our chat alive. Maybe he means our history as well. At least it's a sign he wants to hear from me. But it seems up to me and me alone to do that, he doesn't have the capacity nor the time for it and doesn't want to make time for it. It isn't that much effort either. Maybe I can start things slow... tell him about my day, if he wants to hear that at least.
I'm so confused. I don't know how to feel about any of this. My period is starting to go away, and I'm pretty sure I got just over 5 hours of sleep last night. My sleep schedule has been so cooked lately. My mom and I went to breakfast this morning, so once I was out of bed at 8 AM I had to stay awake for the rest of the day. I did however manage to secure my ticket to the Montana festival, especially since I got paid today. I booked my flight to Baltimore the other day, and I need to book the place I'm going to rent in October sooner rather than later. I had a few places saved and one of them has been booked for the dates I plan on staying. It isn't something I want to wait on, but a chunk of my paycheck went to the Montana festival ticket which was expensive enough. But I'm beyond fortunate to be in a position to be able to travel and do these things on a somewhat regular basis. And I want to enjoy doing it for as long as I can. As long as the world is still standing.
Anyhow. Typing this out has made me feel much better. I should have hope more often, at least in this. I can still look forward to hearing from him every so often, if his popularity is gonna continue to grow it might be even longer before he gets back to me. That's... daunting to think of. It doesn't escape my mind that there would be other men vying for my attention and would be more attentive than he currently is. Would that even matter to him? He seems more preoccupied with his music and touring. I doubt he'll regret not talking to me more. As far as I'm concerned, he only has time for what's in front of him and around him. Maybe if I were there more often it might be different, but since he's starting to tour outside of his city and across the country, there's no telling that would change things either. But I don't think I should be focusing on this so much. I need to focus on myself, the plans I have, the here and now. I'm sure that's what he's doing anyway, but that doesn't mean I can't admire him from afar. The rainy days will come, but they are temporary.
I'll be seeing my other best friends this coming Sunday. It'll be the first time I've seen any of them in person since the invasion of our city began. It's still happening, quietly, on the sidelines. The news coverage has all but stopped, but none of us have forgotten. We will never forget, this truama will remain for the rest of our lives. But now that things have calmed significantly since the invasion has been scaled back a month ago, it feels safer to go to the city without worrying that we're going to hear a chorus of high-pitched whistles at any given moment. We're getting ice cream at a popular ice cream bar in the southern part of town. It's a place they've wanted to check out for a while and extended the invite to me. It'll be great to see them again. We might even get dinner afterwards, depending on how we feel and the time.
I know deep down, things will be okay. With me, my family, my friends, even him. I can still see where this goes. Until then,
-T.L.S.