July 12th, 2025
I made this website six days ago, and I still don't know what to add here. It be like that I guess. I'm thinking this can be used for updates whenever I have any, and whatever those might look like.
August 3rd, 2025
Wow, it's been a minute.
Last Wednesday, I came back in the wee hours of the morning from an amazing music festival held in one of the remotest parts of the United States, the very northwestern corner of Montana. That was my first time in that state (let alone region), my first time recreationally roadtripping for multiple days and hours, my first time camping outdoors and my first time seeing mountains in person. I haven't even been back for a full week, and my friends and I are already plotting to return next year. Although, without camping outdoors. The festival was an absolute blast and I'm glad I went, but camping was an extremely miserable experience that I really don't want to repeat. The people I roadtripped with, whom I met at another music festival on the opposite side of the country, are now my best buddies. I didn't know them very well prior to this. We've spoken dozens of times, but only over chat. But this roadtrip went extremely well, with only a few minor hiccups here and there. An otherwise fantastic experience that couldn't have gone any better.
But less than a week later, I still feel tired. I don't think I've cleared my sleep deficit completely just yet, and I'm lucky I didn't come back with pneumonia or some other sickness. I supposed there's something to be said about where our love for music takes us and what it makes us go through. I know I said I was going to use this website for a music collection catalogue, but for over the past month I've been doing something else this entire time: writing.
I used to write a lot when I was younger and still in grade school, and for the life of me I can't remember why I stopped. I've found so much joy in writing now that I've been given a brand new outlook on life. I have something to look forward to when I turn my laptop on, and for once it isn't social media. Maybe it's because I haven't shared what I've been writing, and I'm still building the website as well as the structure for how I want the webpages for the chapters to look. But fok, this shit is awesome. I wish I had done this sooner! I am somewhat hesitant to start sharing what I've written with the broader public (read: the Internet as a whole), but I figured I would cross that bridge when I get to it. I've been a huge fan of fanfictions for well over a decade, and one of my absolute favorites from the Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom is being re-written as we speak(!!!!!). You can imagine how stoked I was when I got the email about the rewrite from AO3, loooong after I had forgotten about my account. Now I stop whatever I'm doing to read the new chapter once I get the email that it's been posted.
But as if I wasn't busy enough with this particular creative pursuit, some of my close friends have been subtly nudging me in a different direction: learning how to play music. Music has always been a MASSIVE part of my life, and I consider it my first love. My one and only foray into learning an instrument was the flute when I was in elementary school, 20 years ago at this point. I've quite literally forgotten that period of my life; I can't remember what I learned back then and I absolutely do not remember the vast majority of the people I went to school with. So it goes without saying that I don't remember what grade I was in when I attempted to learn the flute (but I want to say 3rd grade), nor do I remember why I even tried to learn this particular instrument in the first place. But I do remember participating in a parade that went around the entire school building, and I was part of the marching band. I was with the other flute players who were playing their instruments flawlessly, while I blew into mine tunelessly. I didn't even know how or where to press my fingers into the flute's openings. One kid even tried to get me to play something on the spot before the parade started, which of course I didn't do.
So I marched wordlessly with the others, hoping no one would hear or notice that I wasn't really playing this flute to the song (I can still hear in my head) that we were supposed to be playing. VERY much less call attention to my lack of skill. This happened lifetimes ago, I'm confident that at some point in my life, I will forget this completely. I've already forgotten most of my childhood memories from that state. Including who my classmates were, which makes for a jarring experience whenever someone from my hometown sends me a friend request on Facebook and starts messaging me. Even worse when it becomes clear that they know me and remember me from a time that no longer exists in my memories, and I have to make things awkward by telling them that I don't know or remember who they are. But enough with that tangent, all of that to say this will be my first time in two decades learning how to play an instrument, which sounds insane to say out loud, much less type. I've always loved how string instruments sound, and I still remember the pink guitar necklace I got from Claire's that I wore religiously. Looking back, perhaps that had been a foreshadowing.
One of the few things I remember in school was being accused of copying the people around me. I guess this is why I'm hesitant to share whatever it is I'm doing, because I don't want people to accuse me of the same thing and I don't know what my reaction would be if that ended up happening. This might also be why I stopped writing, because I started around the same time someone else did and they threw a bitch fit. (Another thing I remember from my grade school years, being surrounded by god-awful kids and not knowing why everyone was acting like an asshole or a bitch). But I've been listening to music for so long, I'm terrified of ripping off a melody I heard somewhere without even knowing or realizing it. This past weekend I shared this concern with a friend, who told me that everything has basically already been done and everyone else is just copying off each other at this point. Which reminded me of the popular saying that every metal riff in existence is just a Black Sabbath riff played slower (RIP OZZY). I don't feel so worried about this now, but I'm still going to spend the next two weeks looking for guitar and bass guitar kits online in my spare time. I don't want to buy anything just yet, because I'm leaving for Greece on the 16th of this month and won't be back until the 29th.
OK I typed out WAY more than I thought I would, I don't know why I rambled that much. But if you read up to here, thanks a ton! See you next time.
-T.L.S.
August 15th, 2025
Update time.
This coming Sunday is the start of a nearly two week-long vacation in Greece. I leave tomorrow morning and I'll get there Sunday afternoon. It'll be my second time in Greece, but the first time I'll be spending more than 10 days there. I'm excited to be back, excited to eat healthier food and spend a few days on the beach (which I didn't get to do last year), along with more sight-seeing than I was able to do last year. But I'm starting to get nervous. And I'm realizing this nervousness is normal. I felt this way before I went to Montana last month, and I'm pretty sure I felt this way before I went to Baltimore earlier this year and last year as well. I still feel this way before I drive to a concert in the city, even if it's a venue I've been to dozens of times. Apparently it has a name too, "pre-travel anxiety". I'll have moments the day before I leave where I think to myself, "maybe I should cancel the trip", or "I don't think I want to go anymore." I vividly remember thinking this last month just before I left for Montana. But I ended up having a blast there, and I'm so ready to go back. I'm sure this trip, albeit much longer, will be no different. Aside from that, I learned yesterday (technically Wednesday, but the email was sitting in my spam folder until I saw it a day after it was sent) that I'm gonna be getting a pretty nice work bonus within the next month. The company I work for applied to be a part of this bonus initiative led by the Department of Human Services, but this was back in December of last year, and they said they'd keep us in the know along with us not needing to apply for anything ourselves. I think we all forgot about it haha. It's a one-time payment, but it'll be a lot (most of what my paycheck usually looks like). Which means those guitar and bass guitar kits I was looking at a few weeks ago will be in my hands sooner than I realize. I have one kit of each sitting in my wishlist on Shein, along with some pedals, and so far everything is still available. Plus they have really good prices and reviews for starting equipment. I probably could have ordered them after I got back from Montana, but I want time to spend opening and using them before leaving again. All things considered, I'm very excited to see what comes from this!
But wow, the past two weeks really flew by. I still remember when I typed out that post on August 3rd, four days after I came back from Montana. I'm still reliving moments from that trip, and my friends and I are still serious about going back next year. But when I went to Greece last year, things were a bit of a mess. I didn't sleep at all on the flight over the ocean on the way there, and my partner (whom I was there to see and visit for the first time) lived in an apartment building built in the 1940s with no air conditioning. Climbing four flights of stairs with a heavy suitcase and carry-on backpack, just to get to an apartment that was warmer inside than it was outside on no sleep at all, did a severe number on me. My mind was beyond fried. I started crying and didn't stop for several hours, until it was time for bed. (My partner, a loving puppy dog of a man, was also all over me as soon as we saw each other. And as someone who had been celibate their entire life, and completely unaccustomed to sustained affectionate physical contact, that added to the overwhelm I was feeling. Worse was when we tried to be intimate, as sex has always been painful for me. Not to mention I'm deathly afraid of getting pregnant despite having been on birth control for over 6 years now). My partner lived on the 4th floor, which was the very top, and although there was an elevator, only one person had access to it and whoever it was didn't share that access with the other tenants. I still remember lugging my suitcase down four flights of stairs by myself when it was time to go, and my arm was sore for the remainder of that week after I came back to the U.S. My partner was at work when it was time for me to leave, and his roommate at the time, a mutual friend I had been Facebook friends with for a decade at that point, had come home from work just before I left and almost immediately went to bed. I was still getting ready when they got back, and when I told them I was going to be leaving soon, they apologized and said they would be sleeping during that time. They didn't offer to help me with my luggage (which was only one suitcase), nor did they see me off. I don't remember them saying anything else after that before going to their room. They didn't even say goodbye. That was the last time I saw them, and honestly, I still don't know how I feel about this.
All in all, there were certain aspects of my first trip last year that were deeply miserable, all of which were related to the brutal summer heat. A couple of days after I got there, my partner was telling one of his best friends who was visiting from the UK that his apartment got so hot in the summer that when he leaves the building and goes outside, he genuinely feels cold. He even told me that one year it was so hot, they had mosquitoes up until November. Since I'm someone who learns from mistakes and lack of knowledge, this time I booked an Airbnb for us two months in advance. A nice studio apartment in a good part of the city with AIR CONDITIONING!!!! Among other amenities that are clutch for a long stay, like a washing machine and a dryer in unit! Even my partner was surprised that the place we booked still had availability. He'd been working a contract position since February of this year, and his last day was a few days ago. Which means this will be a vacation for him as well. He video called me last week to show me the listings he had found for a bunch of beach house apartments in Halkidiki, and he wanted me to pick the one I liked the most. And after I did, he booked it for us for around three days next week. I remember we were so bummed about not being able to go to the beach last year, so this is sure to be a relaxing and rewarding experience for us both. He told me the other day that with the time we'll have, we can literally do anything we want. I for one am looking forward to chilling indoors for a few days, watching movies and YouTube videos, ordering or cooking food and just relaxing in general. With how hard we work, we both deserve it.
Lately, I've been reflecting on the last things I do before a long trip - my last shower in my bathroom, my last night sleeping in my bedroom in almost total silence, the last meal I'll have at the kitchen counter. It gets me emotional sometimes and it almost feels morbid, but I think it makes me appreciate what I have a lot more. In the meantime, I have everything packed. All the clothing I want to wear, the shoes, the gifts, the toiletries and beach necessities. It doesn't feel like I've packed enough, especially clothing. But having a washing machine and dryer in our Airbnb means I won't need to worry about running out of clean clothes to wear. My partner has a Brita filtered water pitcher in his apartment, and yesterday I asked if we should bring it with us since I didn't think our Airbnb had one. He said we'd take inventory once we get to the Airbnb on Sunday and he will get whatever we need himself, while I stay in the apartment and rest if I need to. Works for me! Now all that's left for me to do is free my room of clutter and garbage to the best of my ability, get my airport outfit and carry-on bags ready for tomorrow, and hope for the best. My nervousness grows the closer it gets to tomorrow, but I keep telling myself that just as the time passed quickly after I came back from Montana, so too will the time pass before it's time for me to come back to the U.S. As much as I deeply resent this country, everything it's done and everything it stands for, it's the only home I have and I'll miss parts of it while I'm gone. Although right now, the only thing I can tell I'll miss outside of my family and friends will be writing (which is still going well!). Besides, spending two weeks with my lovely partner will be memories I cherish for as long as I live. I just hope I'm not a crying mess at the airport again when it's time for me to leave, like I was last year.
Posting updates here is really nice and honestly refreshing, I'll be sure to post another once I've returned! Catch you later.
-T.L.S.
August 29th, 2025
I came back last night just before midnight, from the longest vacation I've ever taken. My partner and I spent a few days in a beach village called Afitos, in what is considered the third peninsula of Greece, Halkidiki. The weather was perfect, the beach was gorgeous, the water was so crystal clear and the food was outstanding. The bra and shirt I wore this afternoon were unusually snug, so I know I gained at least some weight. I had the time of my life there, and as I foreshadowed in my last update, these are memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. (Also as I foreshadowed, I was once again a crying mess at the airport)
But the vacation had its downsides, one of which left me newly single. My partner and I decided to split, for a couple of reasons. This may be TMI, but he's a very sexual person and I, for lack of better phrasing, feel sexually dead most of the time. I think this is mostly chalked up to my birth control killing my sex drive most of the year, but another part of it happened 15 years ago, when I was 14. I briefly dated someone my freshman year of high school, who wanted to finger me so that I could know what sex was like. I didn't know what foreplay was back then, and he didn't either. It turned out to be a painfully traumatic experience that I'm 100% sure ruined penetration for me forever. I can still remember going back home extremely sore down there, and the stinging sensation every time I peed. My partner and I tried having sex when I first visited last year and it never happened, because I tensed up and started crying whenever I was touched down there. We tried again this year with lube and a lidocaine gel I bought beforehand, and it still didn't happen. But this time, he was really frustrated.
He wanted to cum in my mouth at our Airbnb, a few days before we went to Afitos. And I made the mistake of being too blunt and telling him it would be gross for me. I made the additional mistake of suggesting that he relieve himself in the bathroom. After some back and forth, he eventually agreed. But he stormed off and took his phone with him. He came back a few minutes later, looked at me, didn't say anything, and scrolled on his phone with his back facing me before falling asleep. He wasn't completely cold to me for the rest of the day, but he limited his physical interactions with me. He wouldn't hug me or kiss me whereas he was all over me as soon as I got there. A couple of the days I was there he left to help friends with things and to get his beach supplies from his apartment, leaving me alone in the Airbnb. And it was honestly nice having the apartment to myself for a while. It gave me time to think about things I will admit to later here. It also gave me time to reflect, and I've realized certain aspects of this trip will stay with me for as long as I live. But it all came to a breaking point when we got to Afitos.
I remember the bus ride there, he had been somewhat distant like he had been before we left. I remember asking him what he wanted to do when we got to the beach apartment we rented, and he bluntly said "ehh mainly sex" without hesitation. I tried to brace myself for what was going to happen later, but I wasn't prepared for his reaction. He lubed me up and tried to finger me but I was way too tense and squirmy, I was panicking every time he touched me there. He said "it's literally my little finger" and I replied "it doesn't feel good", and he immediately withdrew his finger. I heard him take two deep, heavy breaths and I knew he was upset. I squeezed my eyes shut as more tears came out, knowing that if I opened them to look at him, the look was on his face was going to haunt me forever. I managed a very small, broken "I'm sorry", and I heard him storm off to the bathroom to furiously wash his hands. He came back and said "whatever, I give up", put his shorts back on and flopped on the bed next to me, grabbing his phone in the process. My partner was never abusive to me in any capacity, and I knew he would never hurt me. But I didn't even want to move when this happened. I kept thinking "this is all my fault" over and over again, and wanting to disappear into the ceiling above me. Even now, a part of me feels that I helped ruin things between us.
Lying naked and exposed while your partner is upset is a profoundly uncomfortable experience that I never want to repeat or revisit again. After a while he got up to look at me and said "wear something" with no emotion in his voice. So I made the awkward walk to the bathroom where I left my clean clothes. I'm pretty sure I dissociated in the process, since I barely remember walking across the bed to where the bathroom was. My getting dressed started a hard conversation, where, among other things, he admitted that when I told him to go to the bathroom to relieve himself a few days ago, he was able to finish by thinking about his ex. And he said "it made me think, 'damn, I miss my ex'". His ex broke up with him very abruptly last year, and he still hasn't recovered from it. He also said I made him feel humiliated when I said it was going to be gross when he came in my mouth. I spent a considerable amount of time thinking I was an abject sexual failure. It didn't help that my partner was insistent that the amount of sexual trauma I have can only be found in people who had been sexually assaulted at a young age, which I never was. Neither was his insistence that women in general have no problem touching themselves to masturbate even at a young age, something I also have not done.
Despite the difficulty of the conversation, it turned out really well in the end. So well that I was able to confess something to him that I've been in denial of for many, many, many years - my sexual attraction to men is weaker than my sexual attraction to women. I'm almost immediately sexually attracted to women as opposed to men, despite my never having been in a romantic relationship with a woman. I'm terrified of the ramifications of what this means for me in the long run in terms of my sexuality, something I've struggled with all my life. I do have some attraction to men, but I think the trauma I experienced when I was 14 prevents my body from fully reacting to said attraction. At least with women, there doesn't have to be penetration. But belonging to an immigrant family with members who are opposed to anything LGBTQ+, and living in a country that is becoming increasingly anti-LGBTQ+ means I will never be in a safe place to explore this side of myself. But my partner, wonderful that he is, understood this completely. And we made the decision there and then that we were going to enjoy the time we have left and end our relationship once I leave. I agreed, though I was heartbroken to do so.
I realize I wasn't the only one who made mistakes. On my last night in Greece, he apologized for how he acted in Afitos. He had this projection in his mind that when I came, "we were going to have the best sex of our lives" and it not happening really disappointed him. He hadn't been sexually active with anyone else since my visit last year, and I distinctly remember him telling me he was "thirsty" when he mentioned this to me the morning I left. But I ended up unintentionally making him feel humiliated, and he made me feel like a freak of nature. When I tried to apologize for how I reacted, he told me I had nothing to be sorry for. Part of me still feels like a failure, but another part of me recognizes the boon for what it is. With some men having sex as a dealbreaker in relationships, this significantly increases the likelihood that I will remain single for as long as I live. I wasn't planning on telling him, but I eventually did when he prompted me to say whatever was on my mind. I don't want to date anyone else again. I've heard enough horror stories from my friends about the dating scene to never set foot there ever.
I was a mess that night, and I was sad when I left the morning of the 28th, but a day after coming back I feel much better. I was sure he hated me on some level for sexually frustrating him, but now I'm convinced that's not the case. I know he loves me on some level still, but he doesn't have major romantic feelings for me like he did for his ex. But it doesn't feel like we've broken up because we're still so close. I didn't tell him this, but I snooped in one of the notebooks he brought with him to our Airbnb and found an entry he wrote with a handful of names. Some were crossed out, like the name of his ex, but others were written in English, like mine. The entry read "the people who had the biggest impact on my life". I didn't think I had that much of an impact at all, but when I pressed him, he told me I was there for him when his ex of five years broke up with him. I still remember how he cried and how devastated he was, and I didn't want to make him hurt like that again.
We couldn't stop talking about how nice our vacation was, how much fun we had, how relaxing it was, and how we both want to do it again next year if things work out. No prior commitments, no work, lots of free time to explore and do things around the city. I think he still loves me enough to want to see me as often as he can, and he even wants me to bring my mom at some point. I'm not opposed to going back either. I didn't feel unsafe or afraid while I was in the city, I saw so many black and brown faces that it made me feel welcome even, and everyone we encountered was nice and friendly. All things considered, I'm glad everything worked out the way it did. I do miss my ex partner, and I would love to see him again. But I'm going to hold out until things work out. I also still feel like a failure, and I feel like I ruined things between us. But I'm hoping it's a feeling that comes and goes.
Okay, all done yapping for now. I'll catch y'all in another update.
-T.L.S.
September 1st, 2025
This is getting harder.
I spent all of today feeling like a massive failure and that I ruined things between my ex and I.
It started last night, when I saw a reel on Facebook. It was one of those POV videos that has a hyper-specific scenario that a niche group of people have experienced. This one happened to be someone neurodivergent/on the autism spectrum accidentally offending people with their bluntness. And I immediately thought of what happened when my ex wanted to cum in my mouth. I remembered when I told him it would be gross. And I remembered his reaction when he finally agreed to finish in the bathroom. I sent him that reel, with the message "I did this to you :(" afterwards. There's an 8 hour time difference between the US and Greece, so he saw the message this morning. And he heart-reacted both the reel and the message I sent.
It's times like these that I realize what a colossal mistake social media was. Making those of us with severe social anxiety overanalyze signals and images and fucking colors of all things, it's insanity. Not to mention the unfiltered access to shitty people on a near-daily basis. I don't blame those I knew who left early on and never returned. I also don't blame those who are leaving now, announcing that they're getting rid of all their socials and never coming back. I really shouldn't have spent so much of my life on it, it rewired my mind in the worst way possible. But making friends in person was astronomically difficult for me growing up. I wouldn't have met many of the amazing friends I have today without it. I wouldn't have met the ex I'm talking about now without it.
He didn't respond with anything else, other than a couple of funny videos a few hours later. But that one interaction ruined my day. He agreed with what I said and with the video. The damage had been done, on both sides. And I felt terrible. I started re-living the moments I'll never forget from my time in Greece. The bad ones, at least. The part where he told me he finished in the bathroom by thinking of his ex. And how it made him realize how much he missed his ex. And I felt like a moron. What was wrong with me? Why did I do that? I haven't shared with my ex how this has affected me yet, but I probably will at some point. And then he'll ask me why I didn't tell him sooner. He was always encouraging me to speak my mind and share how I feel verbally whenever we video called, instead of sending him walls of text hours later while he was asleep. He wasn't complaining, but I think he thought speaking would be easier for me. Since I trust him and can be open with him about anything. But it wasn't. It still isn't.
We haven't video called since before I flew there. We met one of his friends and his new boyfriend for dinner one night, at a taverna called The Red Bicycle. And my ex was telling them, as he pointed to me, that I single-handedly saved his career by video calling him every morning as his wake up call to get ready for work. I wonder if we'll ever do that again, especially now that he'll be starting a new job soon. I have a sinking suspicion that it won't happen. What would we even talk about? He only video called me to see me and hear my voice, but there's no telling how he feels about that now. Especially since he doesn't video call any of his other friends as much as he video calls me.
I've begun telling close friends about the breakup, which is making this even harder. Having to relive the things that were said, the uncomfortable experiences, is very triggering. But they've been offering insightful advice and opinions, and it's been helping me feel better. I'm hoping this feeling is temporary and I don't spend the rest of the week feeling this way. One of the friends I told is opening for a band this Friday that went on hiatus following one of their members' diagnosis with cancer. This will be their first show in five years, and this comeback was made possible by said member beating cancer.
Navigating the end of the best and longest relationship I've ever been in (3 years) is proving to have its ups and downs. That's to be expected, I guess. I just need to keep up appearances with my mother. She doesn't know our relationship is over, and I don't want her to know. We had been dating long enough that she kept asking when he was coming to the US to visit them, and even joking about marriage. My ex and his ex didn't talk about marriage themselves, so I don't think he was interested in that. But my mother is naive to the mass deportations, detainments, and arrests of foreign nationals in this shithole country. Even people visiting with valid visas are getting disappeared by ICE. My ex didn't want to visit on that principle (among other things, like not being able to afford a ticket and pride refusing him to accept one bought for him), and I didn't want him to either. I won't risk his life or well-being over it. There are much better places to go. Yet another reminder of why I don't share things with her. They make for awkward and uncomfortable conversations later, and more often than not I feel stupid when I talk to her.
(P.S. Writing has been very slow lately, I've been stalling big time. I'll try and pick up the pace this week.)
-T.L.S.
September 13th, 2025
Good Lord, what a year it's been.
Only, it hasn't been a year. It's been a few days at best.
A conservative political commentator in the US was assassinated quite literally in broad daylight three days ago, and the vibes in the country have been INSANE ever since. My friends and many others are calling this the "American years of lead", referencing the time period in Italy where political assassinations and terrorism were widespread throughout the countryside. Now because I long since purged my socials of people who knew me from grade school, and people naturally saw themselves out when I started posting things they didn't like, I fared better than my other friends. Over the past few days, I've seen them tally and point out precisely how many people unfriended them over their reactions to the assassination.
The discourse surrounding the public murder have made me remember what I mentioned a couple of updates ago, how social media gives us unfiltered access to shitty people. And there's no way to prevent it without exposing ourselves to that shittiness in the first place. I feel for my friends who lost people they were close with other this, the death of someone who didn't know them and wouldn't have cared if they had died to the gun violence he justified. One such friend lives in rural Wisconsin, and because she mocked Kirk's death, she no longer has contact with either of her parents.
I used to feel scared living in this country, where the violence we imported overseas became normalized through microtransactions of it. Mass homelessness, police brutality, lack of healthcare, mass shootings in all places. Now I feel a rift in my consciousness, a void telling me that this violence is not only going to get worse, it'll be part of our daily lives. That we need to get used to it as the price we pay for material conditions deteriorating to the point where this type of violence is happening in the first place. And I couldn't help but imagine how much worse this is going to be if this happens to someone else more powerful than Kirk.
I had an outing with friends that I felt was far too short. But when I got there, we talked about the assassination and the discourse that happened in the aftermath. It was a good conversation, it lifted the heaviness I had been feeling over the past couple days. But as a general update, I had a therapy session the day before the murder and it went great! I've been feeling much better since I came back from Europe last month, and I've begun looking into sex therapists in my area. I'm not sure what will come of it, but it wouldn't hurt to try.
Writing is going slow, and I've barely looked at the guitar and bass guitar I got. I'm starting to feel slightly overwhelmed, like I've begun too many side projects and hobbies at the same time and I'm being pulled in too many directions. I think it would be better for me to focus on one thing for a while, and then take a break from it by starting another. I don't have a bass amp for my bass but I have one for my guitar, and my ex told me not to use the guitar amp for the bass as it won't be able to handle the input (or something to that effect).
Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to a concert out of town. I bought the ticket back in March, and nearly forgot about the show altogether until I found it while cleaning my room. Then on Monday I'm getting my covid-19 and flu shots on the same day, and I'm not looking forward to my arm being dead weight after a few hours. But it's a small price to pay for being protected by covid, which would be much more painful than the temporary arm pain.
It's getting late, and I may add to this later, but for now take care and see you in the next update!
-T.L.S.
October 12th, 2025
It's been a month since my last update, and everything has been going good so far. I'm enjoying life as much as I can for someone living in the Imperial core, a dying empire and not in a country experiencing an active genocide or war.
But I had an outing with friends yesterday, and for the first time, I lied to them in person.
My friends are awesome, don't get me wrong. I was invited to this horror book author event at a brewery in a city outside the capital, and when I got there I saw that another friend of ours was also there. After we walked around at the event, we got a table at the brewery and had a drink. One of my friends brought three decks of Magic The Gathering cards, and him trying to teach us how to play with one of the decks when we already had drinks in us was a fun experience.
The friend who invited us to the brewery saw another event that she wanted to check out in the northern part of the capital, and we decided to go since we had time before the event ended. But after we played a round of Magic we were getting hungry, so we went to a fast-food place across the street to sit down and have a bite to eat. When we all got our food and we started eating, my friend looked to me and asked how my partner and I were doing. I hadn't told her we broke up, and I didn't want to make things awkward, so I told her we were still doing fine. I tried to deflect and ask about her and her partner, but I don't remember what she said. I just remember what happened next - she asked if we had "done it".
I knew what she was referring to, but I thought I would be playful and ask her what she was talking about. She specified "sex", and that was when I lied and told her that we had. She cheered for me and our other friend sarcastically congratulated me. She asked me if it was fun and I said yes, and thankfully the conversation went to her and her partner afterwards. But I felt weird. Lying isn't something I do to my friends, but I felt put on the spot and didn't want to make things awkward. I just hope nothing comes out of it, and I'm thinking too much about something they probably no longer remember at this point.
For what it's worth, the rest of the night was great. We ate, went to the event (which had all but ended by the time we got there), had some more drinks, chilled for an hour and we all left for home. I spent today washing the clothes I wore last night, because the last event we went to had fire pits outside that we sat in front of. We all reeked of bonfire smoke by the time we were leaving. The event had free caramel apples and s'mores, but by the time we got there at 8 PM the s'mores were gone and the ingredients for caramel apples were gone too. All that was left was a crate full of small apples. My friends took one each and ate them, and I stuffed a bunch in my bag since they were free, something they laughed at.
Things between my ex partner and I have been amazing, sometimes it feels like we're still together even though I know we're not. But it's really nice knowing he still cares about me to keep in touch with me.
There haven't been many other developments. Other than I'm now strongly considering visiting Ireland sometime next year, and I'm meeting up with someone I've known on Facebook since 2012 for the first time in person. He's been living in Baltimore for the past year and I had no idea until I mentioned see a band there at the music festival I attend every year, and he was like "wait you were in Baltimore and I missed that??" The messages we've been exchanging have been friendly but it feels like there's a flirty undercurrent to them. He told me earlier today that there was no way we haven't hung out in person despite the crazy messaging we did back in 2016 and earlier. I didn't know what he was talking about until I looked through my old messages with him on Facebook and uhhh.... this dude was was really into me LMAO. We were also cooking each other with roasts, I have no idea where that came from, I spent about 20 minutes in my room cackling to myself like a madwoman, I completely forgot about these messages. I don't know where this will go but I guess I'll find out next May!
As for Ireland, I've always wanted to visit. But I've seen lots of videos from people of all walks of life, including African Americans, saying it was the friendliest place they had ever visited. And considering they've been staunchly pro-Palestine from the very beginning, it feels like a place I would feel safe visiting while wearing one of my kuffiyehs. I've since watched travel vlogs of Ireland of every city from Dublin to Cork to Galway and Killarney. I'm avoiding northern Ireland as its British controlled, and being a brown person anywhere affiliated with Britain isn't a good idea right now. Vehement anti-immigration sentiments have been sweeping through the country since I was visiting my ex in Greece back in August. Thankfully, it hasn't reached Ireland and likely will never take root.
Anyway, fall is here. I've always slept better in colder weather. And I'm turning 30 in less than three months now. But time means literally nothing when you stopped aging after 2014 LMAO. Catch you later.
-T.L.S.