The Lugubrious Spirit

I made this website six days ago, and I still don't know what to add here. It be like that I guess. I'm thinking this can be used for updates whenever I have any, and whatever those might look like.

Wow, it's been a minute.

Last Wednesday, I came back in the wee hours of the morning from an amazing music festival held in one of the remotest parts of the United States, the very northwestern corner of Montana. That was my first time in that state (let alone region), my first time recreationally roadtripping for multiple days and hours, my first time camping outdoors and my first time seeing mountains in person. I haven't even been back for a full week, and my friends and I are already plotting to return next year. Although, without camping outdoors. The festival was an absolute blast and I'm glad I went, but camping was an extremely miserable experience that I really don't want to repeat. The people I roadtripped with, whom I met at another music festival on the opposite side of the country, are now my best buddies. I didn't know them very well prior to this. We've spoken dozens of times, but only over chat. But this roadtrip went extremely well, with only a few minor hiccups here and there. An otherwise fantastic experience that couldn't have gone any better.

But less than a week later, I still feel tired. I don't think I've cleared my sleep deficit completely just yet, and I'm lucky I didn't come back with pneumonia or some other sickness. I supposed there's something to be said about where our love for music takes us and what it makes us go through. I know I said I was going to use this website for a music collection catalogue, but for over the past month I've been doing something else this entire time: writing.

I used to write a lot when I was younger and still in grade school, and for the life of me I can't remember why I stopped. I've found so much joy in writing now that I've been given a brand new outlook on life. I have something to look forward to when I turn my laptop on, and for once it isn't social media. Maybe it's because I haven't shared what I've been writing, and I'm still building the website as well as the structure for how I want the webpages for the chapters to look. But fok, this shit is awesome. I wish I had done this sooner! I am somewhat hesitant to start sharing what I've written with the broader public (read: the Internet as a whole), but I figured I would cross that bridge when I get to it. I've been a huge fan of fanfictions for well over a decade, and one of my absolute favorites from the Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom is being re-written as we speak(!!!!!). You can imagine how stoked I was when I got the email about the rewrite from AO3, loooong after I had forgotten about my account. Now I stop whatever I'm doing to read the new chapter once I get the email that it's been posted.

But as if I wasn't busy enough with this particular creative pursuit, some of my close friends have been subtly nudging me in a different direction: learning how to play music. Music has always been a MASSIVE part of my life, and I consider it my first love. My one and only foray into learning an instrument was the flute when I was in elementary school, 20 years ago at this point. I've quite literally forgotten that period of my life; I can't remember what I learned back then and I absolutely do not remember the vast majority of the people I went to school with. So it goes without saying that I don't remember what grade I was in when I attempted to learn the flute (but I want to say 3rd grade), nor do I remember why I even tried to learn this particular instrument in the first place. But I do remember participating in a parade that went around the entire school building, and I was part of the marching band. I was with the other flute players who were playing their instruments flawlessly, while I blew into mine tunelessly. I didn't even know how or where to press my fingers into the flute's openings. One kid even tried to get me to play something on the spot before the parade started, which of course I didn't do.

So I marched wordlessly with the others, hoping no one would hear or notice that I wasn't really playing this flute to the song (I can still hear in my head) that we were supposed to be playing. VERY much less call attention to my lack of skill. This happened lifetimes ago, I'm confident that at some point in my life, I will forget this completely. I've already forgotten most of my childhood memories from that state. Including who my classmates were, which makes for a jarring experience whenever someone from my hometown sends me a friend request on Facebook and starts messaging me. Even worse when it becomes clear that they know me and remember me from a time that no longer exists in my memories, and I have to make things awkward by telling them that I don't know or remember who they are. But enough with that tangent, all of that to say this will be my first time in two decades learning how to play an instrument, which sounds insane to say out loud, much less type. I've always loved how string instruments sound, and I still remember the pink guitar necklace I got from Claire's that I wore religiously. Looking back, perhaps that had been a foreshadowing.

One of the few things I remember in school was being accused of copying the people around me. I guess this is why I'm hesitant to share whatever it is I'm doing, because I don't want people to accuse me of the same thing and I don't know what my reaction would be if that ended up happening. This might also be why I stopped writing, because I started around the same time someone else did and they threw a bitch fit. (Another thing I remember from my grade school years, being surrounded by god-awful kids and not knowing why everyone was acting like an asshole or a bitch). But I've been listening to music for so long, I'm terrified of ripping off a melody I heard somewhere without even knowing or realizing it. This past weekend I shared this concern with a friend, who told me that everything has basically already been done and everyone else is just copying off each other at this point. Which reminded me of the popular saying that every metal riff in existence is just a Black Sabbath riff played slower (RIP OZZY). I don't feel so worried about this now, but I'm still going to spend the next two weeks looking for guitar and bass guitar kits online in my spare time. I don't want to buy anything just yet, because I'm leaving for Greece on the 16th of this month and won't be back until the 29th.

OK I typed out WAY more than I thought I would, I don't know why I rambled that much. But if you read up to here, thanks a ton! See you next time.

-T.L.S.

Update time.

This coming Sunday is the start of a nearly two week-long vacation in Greece. I leave tomorrow morning and I'll get there Sunday afternoon. It'll be my second time in Greece, but the first time I'll be spending more than 10 days there. I'm excited to be back, excited to eat healthier food and spend a few days on the beach (which I didn't get to do last year), along with more sight-seeing than I was able to do last year. But I'm starting to get nervous. And I'm realizing this nervousness is normal. I felt this way before I went to Montana last month, and I'm pretty sure I felt this way before I went to Baltimore earlier this year and last year as well. I still feel this way before I drive to a concert in the city, even if it's a venue I've been to dozens of times. Apparently it has a name too, "pre-travel anxiety". I'll have moments the day before I leave where I think to myself, "maybe I should cancel the trip", or "I don't think I want to go anymore." I vividly remember thinking this last month just before I left for Montana. But I ended up having a blast there, and I'm so ready to go back. I'm sure this trip, albeit much longer, will be no different. Aside from that, I learned yesterday (technically Wednesday, but the email was sitting in my spam folder until I saw it a day after it was sent) that I'm gonna be getting a pretty nice work bonus within the next month. The company I work for applied to be a part of this bonus initiative led by the Department of Human Services, but this was back in December of last year, and they said they'd keep us in the know along with us not needing to apply for anything ourselves. I think we all forgot about it haha. It's a one-time payment, but it'll be a lot (most of what my paycheck usually looks like). Which means those guitar and bass guitar kits I was looking at a few weeks ago will be in my hands sooner than I realize. I have one kit of each sitting in my wishlist on Shein, along with some pedals, and so far everything is still available. Plus they have really good prices and reviews for starting equipment. I probably could have ordered them after I got back from Montana, but I want time to spend opening and using them before leaving again. All things considered, I'm very excited to see what comes from this!

But wow, the past two weeks really flew by. I still remember when I typed out that post on August 3rd, four days after I came back from Montana. I'm still reliving moments from that trip, and my friends and I are still serious about going back next year. But when I went to Greece last year, things were a bit of a mess. I didn't sleep at all on the flight over the ocean on the way there, and my partner (whom I was there to see and visit for the first time) lived in an apartment building built in the 1940s with no air conditioning. Climbing four flights of stairs with a heavy suitcase and carry-on backpack, just to get to an apartment that was warmer inside than it was outside on no sleep at all, did a severe number on me. My mind was beyond fried. I started crying and didn't stop for several hours, until it was time for bed. (My partner, a loving puppy dog of a man, was also all over me as soon as we saw each other. And as someone who had been celibate their entire life, and completely unaccustomed to sustained affectionate physical contact, that added to the overwhelm I was feeling. Worse was when we tried to be intimate, as sex has always been painful for me. Not to mention I'm deathly afraid of getting pregnant despite having been on birth control for over 6 years now). My partner lived on the 4th floor, which was the very top, and although there was an elevator, only one person had access to it and whoever it was didn't share that access with the other tenants. I still remember lugging my suitcase down four flights of stairs by myself when it was time to go, and my arm was sore for the remainder of that week after I came back to the U.S. My partner was at work when it was time for me to leave, and his roommate at the time, a mutual friend I had been Facebook friends with for a decade at that point, had come home from work just before I left and almost immediately went to bed. I was still getting ready when they got back, and when I told them I was going to be leaving soon, they apologized and said they would be sleeping during that time. They didn't offer to help me with my luggage (which was only one suitcase), nor did they see me off. I don't remember them saying anything else after that before going to their room. They didn't even say goodbye. That was the last time I saw them, and honestly, I still don't know how I feel about this.

All in all, there were certain aspects of my first trip last year that were deeply miserable, all of which were related to the brutal summer heat. A couple of days after I got there, my partner was telling one of his best friends who was visiting from the UK that his apartment got so hot in the summer that when he leaves the building and goes outside, he genuinely feels cold. He even told me that one year it was so hot, they had mosquitoes up until November. Since I'm someone who learns from mistakes and lack of knowledge, this time I booked an Airbnb for us two months in advance. A nice studio apartment in a good part of the city with AIR CONDITIONING!!!! Among other amenities that are clutch for a long stay, like a washing machine and a dryer in unit! Even my partner was surprised that the place we booked still had availability. He'd been working a contract position since February of this year, and his last day was a few days ago. Which means this will be a vacation for him as well. He video called me last week to show me the listings he had found for a bunch of beach house apartments in Halkidiki, and he wanted me to pick the one I liked the most. And after I did, he booked it for us for around three days next week. I remember we were so bummed about not being able to go to the beach last year, so this is sure to be a relaxing and rewarding experience for us both. He told me the other day that with the time we'll have, we can literally do anything we want. I for one am looking forward to chilling indoors for a few days, watching movies and YouTube videos, ordering or cooking food and just relaxing in general. With how hard we work, we both deserve it.

Lately, I've been reflecting on the last things I do before a long trip - my last shower in my bathroom, my last night sleeping in my bedroom in almost total silence, the last meal I'll have at the kitchen counter. It gets me emotional sometimes and it almost feels morbid, but I think it makes me appreciate what I have a lot more. In the meantime, I have everything packed. All the clothing I want to wear, the shoes, the gifts, the toiletries and beach necessities. It doesn't feel like I've packed enough, especially clothing. But having a washing machine and dryer in our Airbnb means I won't need to worry about running out of clean clothes to wear. My partner has a Brita filtered water pitcher in his apartment, and yesterday I asked if we should bring it with us since I didn't think our Airbnb had one. He said we'd take inventory once we get to the Airbnb on Sunday and he will get whatever we need himself, while I stay in the apartment and rest if I need to. Works for me! Now all that's left for me to do is free my room of clutter and garbage to the best of my ability, get my airport outfit and carry-on bags ready for tomorrow, and hope for the best. My nervousness grows the closer it gets to tomorrow, but I keep telling myself that just as the time passed quickly after I came back from Montana, so too will the time pass before it's time for me to come back to the U.S. As much as I deeply resent this country, everything it's done and everything it stands for, it's the only home I have and I'll miss parts of it while I'm gone. Although right now, the only thing I can tell I'll miss outside of my family and friends will be writing (which is still going well!). Besides, spending two weeks with my lovely partner will be memories I cherish for as long as I live. I just hope I'm not a crying mess at the airport again when it's time for me to leave, like I was last year.

Posting updates here is really nice and honestly refreshing, I'll be sure to post another once I've returned! Catch you later.

-T.L.S.